I have now been put in a position I never expected to be in—I think I may be inadvertently acting insensitively toward a fellow infertile (I don’t think I’ve ever used that many “ins” in the same sentence before!).
Here’s the situation: I work in an office area with nine other people, most of whom have their own office. I happen to share an office with a co-worker—one whose company I really enjoy. About 15 to 20 feet down the hall sits C, the office “queen bee.” I’ve never really liked her all that much, for reasons I will outline later. One other note about C before I go on: She’s an infertile. She and her husband went through several inseminations before deciding to call it quits seven years ago. She knew about my struggles to conceive; we went out for a drink one time and talked about it.
I’ve been “out” about my pregnancy for about six weeks. During that time, the subject of my condition has frequently come up, whether it be indigestion after an after-work drink (I made a bad choice in eating so many of the appetizers we chose) or just random comments about how I’m feeling. I also tend to talk to my officemate, who has kids aged 5 and 8, about certain issues, like unexplained pains, outgrowing my clothes or when my ultrasound is. Sometimes I bring topics up, but a lot of times she asks me questions.
Today, I was talking to her about the dilemmas of picking out nursery furniture when I saw her eyes shift to the side. I turned around, and there C stood, waiting to ask my officemate a question. I felt embarrassed, as though she had caught me red-handed going on and on about my pregnancy. Although if I’m to be perfectly honest, even though I try to keep my voice down, I’m sure she can hear some of the stuff we talk about down the hall. I’ve become “that annoying pregnant woman.”
Except.
C has never been particularly nice to me. I went through a period during which I thought she couldn’t stand me. She would invite the other younger women in our office out to do stuff and rarely include me, except as an afterthought. She invited my officemate and her family to join her and her husband at their cabin in the woods over Labor Day weekend, and talked to her about the trip openly in the office. It took me a long time to realize that she simply didn’t regard me as a friend—and that was OK. We didn’t all have to be friends.
When another woman in the office (a good friend of C’s) was pregnant with twins, C was always talking about it. It was almost like she was living vicariously through her friend.
Even now, she sometimes brings up my pregnancy randomly (there were some kids screaming in our office today and she told me I had 16 years of that to look forward to).
On the one hand, I want to be sensitive to C because I know how annoying it would be to have to look forward to five months of baby talk. On the other hand, I don’t have much else to talk about. My job is getting slower and slower, and the hours drag by. When somebody asks me a question about the baby, I’m not going to give a one-word answer and then turn away. Plus, C has never taken pains to keep her personal life separate from the office. Why should I bend over backwards on the off chance that I might be hurting her feelings, even while she sends around baby pictures of her friend’s newborn twins (she didn’t come back to work)?
My pregnancy may sting more for her because she doesn’t consider me a friend. But that’s not my problem—it’s hers.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
I think all you can do it try and be as sensitive as possibile within reasonable limits. I'm going through a delicate IF situation with someone close to me. I can't help being pregnant, but I can remember what it felt like before and try and act accordingly. I try and remind myself that all I can do is my best, and that no one is perfect (I'm thinking of C walking up to you mid-conversation) but all I can do is continue to try.
Wow. I re-read that and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is not to beat yourself up for things beyond your control. Apparently my ability to write coherently is on hiatus today.
Negotiating that sort of situation tactfully is really really difficult.
I guess that you're at least aware of how she may be feeling, and that is kind.
J
Yeah, that's hard. Honestly, I think you *need* to discuss it with her. I know you're not friends and it will be totally awkward.. but so will sitting in the office watching your every word for several months to come, not to mention years if you return to work and talk about your new baby and then school and activities and such.
If she's jealous/offended now, it will only get worse! So, I say... befriend the nonfriend. Extend your hand.. invite her out to lunch or for a drink and don't mention your pregnancy unless she does. Make it a point to remind her that you struggled also and that you feel incredibly blessed now... that you hope that she isn't taking your pregnancy hard, and if she is, that it's not your intention/doing at all. Do it for you and your in-office sanity, not her.
Quite honestly, she could be a mother if she wanted to be. Maybe not the 'natural' sperm/egg way (but clearly none of us can do that easily, either!)... but there's always fostering or adoption, and even IVF. Maybe she regrets stopping at IUI's... maybe she still longs to be a mother and her husband has moved on from that 'issue'. Maybe they didn't think they could financially swing IVF or adoption and she feels like she got screwed over. In any case, if you try to reach out and she regrets you, then at least you'll know you tried and can talk freely in the office without any guilt.
I agree: how C feels is really not your responsibility, but at the same because you do know her history, you want to show some understanding. But you don't really know C very well and you don't know if the talk is bothering her that much or not.
It seems like you could take either of two tacts with C. Either just continue to try to be discreet about it, which will probably include times like C walking up behind you while you're in conversation, but you can control what you say directly to you or in front of her. Or else be frank with her and tell her you realize that your pregnancy may be difficult for her, and that you don't want to place her in a awkward situation, so have her let you know if she feels uncomfortable. Given that you're already fairly distant, you may choose to continue to go route 1, but given that you also have to work in such close proximity, you may want to go route 2.
My two cents: when in doubt I try to imagine the opposite. If things are slow and you're finding lots of time to talk and you weren't pregnant...would you be doing the same amount of chitchatting about TTC -- chapter and verse about the state of your mucus, the bloat from the hormones, the bruises on your abdomen, the discomfort from swollen over-active follicles, the wondering how you're going to plan work projects and personal commitments around the egg transfer, what you're planning to do during your 2ww, how you're going to cope if a BFN results, what you plan to do with the extra embryos, the sleeplessness associated with the anxiety of whether you can afford one more round. If the answer is yes, you like to keep people up to date on your life then keep on keepin on. If the answer is, no, it's a bit too personal and likely to be awkward or uncomfortable for those who are within earshot, then tailor your chatter and subject matter accordingly...and save it for those who like to dish on the same subjects. And, if there's one thing I've learned it's more satisfying to be the bigger person. Go ahead and reach out a hand. Maybe she's hurting inside and covers it up with big talk about the twins. Heck if everyone else is talking babies and kids what choice does she have but to put to work someone else's photos?
This has got to be very painful for her...you were on her side in that office. And, now she is on the infertile side alone. Try to imagine if she became pg and you didn't. It happened to me at work and I felt so alone - it made me feel better to know that there was another infertile like me. Then when she became pg I felt like "why her and not me?"
It must be very isolating for her...I agree on just talking to her about it. She needs to know that you are aware of it.
:)
I am sorry you r work situation isn't ideal. You have a right to enjoy your pregnancy and talk about it. I think this C person is just bitter and really doesn't have anything to do with you. Good Luck.
Post a Comment