CD1

Bleh.

I can't help myself. I already have visions of myself a year from now, still trying and wondering whether it would be better to go for infertility treatments, adoption or just let it be and be happy with one kid.

Logically, I know I'm being silly. It's only been two cycles! But frankly, I'm just not used to this cycle roller coaster. My problem is supposed to be ovulating--not conceiving in general. I think that deep down, I'm almost hoping that I start having trouble ovulating again, because then I can legitimately seek help right away, instead of waiting, waiting, waiting.

Honestly, I had forgotten how maddening trying to conceive can be.

But.

There's Tyler. And although he was teething and had a cold for Christmas, he is now just as cute as can be, happily playing in one of our storage containers with a wrapping paper roll.

And while I'm envious of other women who are pregnant right now, and I'm impatient, and just a teeny bit worried...it's not painful. It doesn't hit me in the pit of my stomach like it did three years ago.

I'm still here, waiting...

Sheesh. Even when I'm trying to conceive, I can't manage to update my blog on a regular basis.

So--the update. In short, I'm not pregnant. The long story--right around the time I last posted, I started experiencing severe insomnia problems. I've have sleep anxiety issues for about two years now, but it really reached a head. I took meds to sleep, but I knew I couldn't continue taking them during pregnancy. That in itself stressed me out. I was getting terrible sleep and had side effects from the meds, so two weeks ago, I decided to stop cold turkey. I had a really rough week, but I'm getting better, and I feel terrific being free of the meds.

What does this have to do with trying to conceive? For the most part, I've stopped taking my temperature. It stresses me out in the morning, and it simply wasn't worth it. So this cycle, I decided to play the guessing game and just let things take their course (for a woman with PCOS, this is quite the leap of faith!). I actually felt myself ovulate this cycle (on time!), so now I'm in the 2ww. It's funny--last cycle I ovulated, but didn't get pregnant. Believe it or not, that's only happened to me once before. For me, the challenge has always been to ovulate. Once that happens, I have no difficulty getting pregnant. Now, in the back of my mind, I wonder, What if my issues change, and I can't get pregnant even while ovulating? What if I use up my couple of "normal" cycles, don't get pregnant and then can't ovulate again?

Oy. For as much as I try to convince myself I'm relaxed, I think there's a part of me that's just waiting for the opportunity to panic again.

Back to the beginning

So here I am again. Back in the world of temperature taking. Back in the land of being anxious first thing in the morning because I wonder what I'll see on the thermometer.

And the funny part? It's only CD14.

Yes, we're trying for a second baby. And true to form, I've managed to get myself completely crazy over it.

The questions swirling around in my head right now?
1. Will I actually ovulate this first cycle after going off the Pill? And will it be in a relatively timely fashion? If history is any indication of the future, yes, I will. But what if things go all wonky again?
2. How long do I wait before I say "uncle" and call the infertility doc and ask for some good ol' Femara?
3. And if I do take the Femara, am I really that comfortable with it? Last time I took it, we conceived a baby with no kidneys. And do I really believe the peri who says that the two things are completely unrelated?

Goodness. I didn't anticipate I'd be a basket case even before things got interesting.

And then...there's the fantasy. That God would grant us one good cycle after the Pill, and we'd get pregnant right away. Problem is, I'm staking a lot of hope in that fantasy. The higher you reach, the harder you fall.

And this, my friends, is why I find myself, once again, in IF blogland. Because you are the only ones who truly understand all this mess of crazy.