I have officially crossed over to the Dark Side: I just joined Facebook.
In many ways, Facebook is the exact opposite of the blogging world I have been a part of for almost 2 years (has it really been that long???).
I have met none of you in person.
I know everybody with whom I have contact on Facebook.
Here, I share my deepest, darkest thoughts.
About the most that anybody in the Facebook world knows about my struggle to build a family is that I have a 3-month-old son.
And that's the weird part. See, everyone in my daily life--both friends and most acquaintances--knows about our tragedy in November 2007. We may not talk about it much, but the knowledge is still there. Yet all these long-ago acquaintances on Facebook have no idea. They just see Tyler's smiling face; not all the hurt and devastation that came before Tyler. The loss of Zach is so much a part of me, it's difficult to communicate with people who know nothing about it. And yet, I know I can't include it on my Facebook page because a)it's way too depressing; b)people would feel obligated to give their condolences, and I don't need that; and c)I don't want to open myself up to judgment from people I barely know anymore.
Who ever thought that Facebook would elicit such deep, self-searching thoughts in me?
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Aunt Flo
I got my period today.
On a practical note, I was completely unprepared for my period. I guess it should have occurred to me that I should be stocking up on tampons, just in case, but it didn't. I begged Mark to stop by Target on his way home from work (we still have Target gift cards from when Tyler was born; I just didn't think I'd be using them on tampons!).
On an emotional note, I'm thrilled. Now I can begin my science experiment. Let me take you back a year: Just two months after my pregnancy ended, I became miraculously pregnant a second time with Tyler. I chalked it up to pregnancy straightening out my hormones. The big question: Is my PCOS "cured?" Now, I will actually be able to see if my ovulation last January was a fluke, or a taste of things to come. This will give me a better idea of whether we will need to return to treatment when we decide to try for a second child.
On a practical note, I was completely unprepared for my period. I guess it should have occurred to me that I should be stocking up on tampons, just in case, but it didn't. I begged Mark to stop by Target on his way home from work (we still have Target gift cards from when Tyler was born; I just didn't think I'd be using them on tampons!).
On an emotional note, I'm thrilled. Now I can begin my science experiment. Let me take you back a year: Just two months after my pregnancy ended, I became miraculously pregnant a second time with Tyler. I chalked it up to pregnancy straightening out my hormones. The big question: Is my PCOS "cured?" Now, I will actually be able to see if my ovulation last January was a fluke, or a taste of things to come. This will give me a better idea of whether we will need to return to treatment when we decide to try for a second child.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Obsessed
A friend pointed out something to me tonight that I should have realized a while ago: I have OCD when it comes to caring for my son.
The reason I should have realized this is because I was obsessive when we were TTC and when I was pregnant, so why shouldn't I be the same way with raising a child?
Tyler is a sleeper. As in, he still sleeps about 18 hours a day. At nearly three months old. And for the past 5 of 7 days, he has slept through the night.
All this is absolutely wonderful and makes for lots of free time for me. I'm certainly not complaining.
Except.
Tyler still seems to need 6 feedings a day, which he takes between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. And he sleeps in between every feeding. Which means that he usually takes about 5 naps a day, some of which are only an hour long. This means that my day is full of countless wakings and putting-downs.
The simple solution to this would be to decrease his number of feedings. But he won't do it. I tried for a few days to give him 6 ounces at each feeding, but he would never finish his bottle and he always wanted a 6th feeding at night.
Can you sense the OCD yet?
I know I should just relax and go with the flow. But it's really hard to do when you have all these outside forces expressing shock at your baby's sleep habits. My in-laws are especially frustrated because he's not awake long enough for their liking. They babysat for him on Saturday and my MIL kept track of his feedings and sleeping. He was up for almost 2 hours after one feeding! I know exactly what happened: He started to fuss, and rather than put him down, my MIL decided to just hold him.
Grandparents.
I think I need to jumpstart my freelancing career so I have something to think about besides my son's sleep habits.
(And yes, I just bought Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child and am enjoying it. Please don't suggest any more books on sleeping, because I have had it with so many different opinions!)
The reason I should have realized this is because I was obsessive when we were TTC and when I was pregnant, so why shouldn't I be the same way with raising a child?
Tyler is a sleeper. As in, he still sleeps about 18 hours a day. At nearly three months old. And for the past 5 of 7 days, he has slept through the night.
All this is absolutely wonderful and makes for lots of free time for me. I'm certainly not complaining.
Except.
Tyler still seems to need 6 feedings a day, which he takes between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. And he sleeps in between every feeding. Which means that he usually takes about 5 naps a day, some of which are only an hour long. This means that my day is full of countless wakings and putting-downs.
The simple solution to this would be to decrease his number of feedings. But he won't do it. I tried for a few days to give him 6 ounces at each feeding, but he would never finish his bottle and he always wanted a 6th feeding at night.
Can you sense the OCD yet?
I know I should just relax and go with the flow. But it's really hard to do when you have all these outside forces expressing shock at your baby's sleep habits. My in-laws are especially frustrated because he's not awake long enough for their liking. They babysat for him on Saturday and my MIL kept track of his feedings and sleeping. He was up for almost 2 hours after one feeding! I know exactly what happened: He started to fuss, and rather than put him down, my MIL decided to just hold him.
Grandparents.
I think I need to jumpstart my freelancing career so I have something to think about besides my son's sleep habits.
(And yes, I just bought Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child and am enjoying it. Please don't suggest any more books on sleeping, because I have had it with so many different opinions!)
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