It has occurred to me that while I post here from time to time, I haven't really given you a full update on my day-to-day life in a long time. And I think there are still a few of you out there (my die-hard readers!) checking back occasionally. So here goes:
I have managed to build quite a successful freelancing business. I got a rocky, panic-filled start last winter, but at this point I mostly have as much writing work (mostly healthcare copywriting) as I want. At least, I have enough that I don't see the need to actively look for more work. I love what I do, and it's hard for me to believe that I'm able to meet my financial goals while still staying at home with Tyler.
When I'm not working or playing with Tyler, my husband and I are also youth group leaders at our church and I'm a board member with our local Mothers & More group. I am careful not to turn into one of those Stepford Wives mothers, but I do like to stay active. A year ago, I was quite bored with the stay-at-home mom life, but now I feel like I've built a nice little life for us.
That's not to say that there aren't bad days--or weeks. There are frustrations, jealousies, hurt feelings, feelings of inadequacy--you name it.
But mostly, I'm happy.
On the baby front, we don't plan on even trying for at least a year. But I already have a plan: Next spring, I will go on the Pill. Late next fall or early next winter, I will stop taking the Pill and hope my body gives me one or two semi-normal cycles (if the past is any indication of the future, I'll probably get at least one cycle that's less than 2 months long). If that doesn't work, then I'll go back on Femara. I'm not looking forward to it, and part of me wants to do it now just to see if we can conceive. But 2 kids under 2 is not my idea of a good time, so I just need to patiently wait.
I think that's about it for now. For a writer, this post wasn't very eloquent, I admit. But it's functional, right?
If you want to follow along in a bit more detail, e-mail me at bearnest at wi dot rr dot com and I'll add you as a Facebook friend. Then you'll get the bonus of seeing my gorgeous picture!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Random poll
OK, I need your help to understand something.
My friend, who is 26 and from a small town in Tennessee, has no knowledge of children's books and rhymes that I have known about for years. I'm trying to figure out if a)it's a regional thing; b)it's an age thing, or c)she and her family are just "out of it."
Since you all are different ages and from different parts of the country, you can help me!
Have you ever heard of the rhyme, "Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" or the book, "The Monster at the End of This Book?" Because she hasn't, and it's hard for me to believe.
My friend, who is 26 and from a small town in Tennessee, has no knowledge of children's books and rhymes that I have known about for years. I'm trying to figure out if a)it's a regional thing; b)it's an age thing, or c)she and her family are just "out of it."
Since you all are different ages and from different parts of the country, you can help me!
Have you ever heard of the rhyme, "Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" or the book, "The Monster at the End of This Book?" Because she hasn't, and it's hard for me to believe.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Get behind me, pregnant woman
I hate pregnant women.
This is a strange statement for me to make, because I was one myself just a year ago. But I just can't shake the resentment I feel whenever a woman with a bump starts talking with other people about her pregnancy. In particular, I seethe with anger when a friend who is 12 weeks pregnant talks about the bet she and her husband have about the gender of their baby. As she writes in her blog, "In just 8 weeks we will find out."
Don't you mean, in 8 weeks you will find out if your baby is healthy?
Logically, I know that it is impossible to expect that everyone should be as freaked out about the 20-week ultrasound as I am. Every person has that one "thing" that strikes fear in her heart. For some women, it's the well-baby check-up at the pediatrician's office, because that's where they found out their baby has a life-limiting condition. Whereas I am approaching the 12-month checkup with mostly indifference.
But.
I just can't shake those bad feelings. Part of me wonders if I'll ever be able to see a pregnant woman without feeling extraordinarily uncharitable toward her.
This is a strange statement for me to make, because I was one myself just a year ago. But I just can't shake the resentment I feel whenever a woman with a bump starts talking with other people about her pregnancy. In particular, I seethe with anger when a friend who is 12 weeks pregnant talks about the bet she and her husband have about the gender of their baby. As she writes in her blog, "In just 8 weeks we will find out."
Don't you mean, in 8 weeks you will find out if your baby is healthy?
Logically, I know that it is impossible to expect that everyone should be as freaked out about the 20-week ultrasound as I am. Every person has that one "thing" that strikes fear in her heart. For some women, it's the well-baby check-up at the pediatrician's office, because that's where they found out their baby has a life-limiting condition. Whereas I am approaching the 12-month checkup with mostly indifference.
But.
I just can't shake those bad feelings. Part of me wonders if I'll ever be able to see a pregnant woman without feeling extraordinarily uncharitable toward her.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Gossip
I've never been good at being part of a "group." By that I mean that most of my friends are not friends with each other. Rather than getting together with "the gang," instead I hang out with friends individually. The last group I was part of was my office, and there were lots of growing pains there. Finally, I decided to retreat from the office folks and not try to be friends with them.
Two and a half months ago, we moved to a new neighborhood. We happen to be just down the street from good friends. Let's see if you can follow this story: My friend A recommended our babysitter, AM, to us. She watched Tyler maybe a month ago and she was great. However, she hung out with us about an hour after we came home and talked, talked, talked. Among the things she talked about were how she's working so many hours this summer and how her mom really wants her to work hard. She and her family live across the street from A, and A and the mom, L, are good friends.
Are you lost yet?
Well, I made a mistake and mentioned to A some of the things Am had said to us. I had never talked to L, but I certainly didn't get the best impression of her from what her daughter said. A must have shared what I said with L, because when L dropped A's baby daughter off with me today (we're sharing babysitting while A is on vacation), L told me Am has been ordered to apologize to us this afternoon. L and her husband are absolutely FURIOUS with their daughter for spreading all this stuff about their family . Apparently, we only got part of the story.
So here I am, feeling partly guilty for ratting on Am to my friend A, and partly mad at A for going to Am's mom L. What a tangled web we weave! This just makes me more sure than ever that while the idea of having a whole group of friends in your neighborhood is nice on the surface, I'm not sure if it's for me. My problem is that if I had tons of friends with young kids in our neighborhood, I'd always get jealous when they'd hang out together and not include me.
Two and a half months ago, we moved to a new neighborhood. We happen to be just down the street from good friends. Let's see if you can follow this story: My friend A recommended our babysitter, AM, to us. She watched Tyler maybe a month ago and she was great. However, she hung out with us about an hour after we came home and talked, talked, talked. Among the things she talked about were how she's working so many hours this summer and how her mom really wants her to work hard. She and her family live across the street from A, and A and the mom, L, are good friends.
Are you lost yet?
Well, I made a mistake and mentioned to A some of the things Am had said to us. I had never talked to L, but I certainly didn't get the best impression of her from what her daughter said. A must have shared what I said with L, because when L dropped A's baby daughter off with me today (we're sharing babysitting while A is on vacation), L told me Am has been ordered to apologize to us this afternoon. L and her husband are absolutely FURIOUS with their daughter for spreading all this stuff about their family . Apparently, we only got part of the story.
So here I am, feeling partly guilty for ratting on Am to my friend A, and partly mad at A for going to Am's mom L. What a tangled web we weave! This just makes me more sure than ever that while the idea of having a whole group of friends in your neighborhood is nice on the surface, I'm not sure if it's for me. My problem is that if I had tons of friends with young kids in our neighborhood, I'd always get jealous when they'd hang out together and not include me.
Monday, July 27, 2009
How many tests are too many?
I walked into a conversation today I'm not sure I wanted to have.
Let me back up. Tyler's pedi, Dr. S, is what most would describe as very conservative. His philosophy is, "Better test than sorry." So when Tyler's head got bigger and bigger (it jumped 45 percentile points in about six months), he ordered a CT scan. Everything turned out fine, thank God.
At Tyler's 9-month appointment last week, Tyler had only gained a bit of weight, and hadn't grown in length at all. Acknowledging that there is a margin for error in length measurement, the doc asked him to come back in six weeks for another measure. There could be a thyroid problem, he explained. How things have changed for me. Rather than immediately panicking about my son's thyroid, my first thought was, man, now I have to pay another co-pay.
I shared this news with my friend A, whose daughter also sees Dr. S. She nodded and said she has been considering finding another pedi. They pay for their own insurance and have a high deductible, so they pay $200 for each visit. Dr. S just ordered a bunch of tests, including lead, for her daughter's 12-month and after talking to friends, she doesn't feel the tests are necessary (mother's intuition).
Though I was the one who started the conversation, I found myself bristling. The dead-baby mama in me wanted to shout, "But we did have the worst-case scenario once! How can you just assume everything is fine? I'll tell you how--because nothing bad has ever happened to you!"
Yet, another part of me just doesn't know. How do you draw the line between being responsible and being overcautious?
Let me back up. Tyler's pedi, Dr. S, is what most would describe as very conservative. His philosophy is, "Better test than sorry." So when Tyler's head got bigger and bigger (it jumped 45 percentile points in about six months), he ordered a CT scan. Everything turned out fine, thank God.
At Tyler's 9-month appointment last week, Tyler had only gained a bit of weight, and hadn't grown in length at all. Acknowledging that there is a margin for error in length measurement, the doc asked him to come back in six weeks for another measure. There could be a thyroid problem, he explained. How things have changed for me. Rather than immediately panicking about my son's thyroid, my first thought was, man, now I have to pay another co-pay.
I shared this news with my friend A, whose daughter also sees Dr. S. She nodded and said she has been considering finding another pedi. They pay for their own insurance and have a high deductible, so they pay $200 for each visit. Dr. S just ordered a bunch of tests, including lead, for her daughter's 12-month and after talking to friends, she doesn't feel the tests are necessary (mother's intuition).
Though I was the one who started the conversation, I found myself bristling. The dead-baby mama in me wanted to shout, "But we did have the worst-case scenario once! How can you just assume everything is fine? I'll tell you how--because nothing bad has ever happened to you!"
Yet, another part of me just doesn't know. How do you draw the line between being responsible and being overcautious?
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Envy
It is the way of the world that just about any person can find someone else who "has things easier than she does."
I look at women who had a smooth route to parenthood (and, presumably, will easily have second and third children) and am envious.
Women who had to use IVF or other extreme measures to conceive are envious of me, who only had to use pills for my first pregnancy and miraculously conceived for my second pregnancy.
Women who were never able to have children are envious of those who have.
It is easy to say that one should be grateful for what she has. But, unfortunately, we are all human and can't help feeling sorry for ourselves every now and then.
My friend A's daughter, who turns 1 tomorrow, had 1 hour of fussiness while she was teething. That's all. Then, poof, she had one tooth, and another the next day. This is the same child who doesn't cry when she goes down to sleep and has had a predictable schedule since she was 1 week old.
Tyler, on the other hand, has now had a week of pain. He's absolutely miserable, and while I've tried all the remedies (please don't suggest more), the only thing I can do is wait for that darned tooth to break through. While he's a good baby, he definitely is susceptible to the typical trials and tribulations of infanthood.
I try so hard to just let it go, but I find myself resentful of my friend because she's never "had it rough." She easily became pregnant, had an easy pregnancy and has never once worried about her daughter's health. Call me a terrible person, but I find myself wishing she could go through a rough couple of years so she knows what it's like for the rest of us.
I'm glad this blog is now invite-only, because I wouldn't want somebody who hasn't been following my story to stumble on this post. I know I'm whining, and I know I should be grateful, but it's hard to stop comparing myself to others. I'm worried I won't be able to stop the comparisons when Tyler gets old enough to figure it out. I just don't want to be one of those mothers.
I wish I weren't so damned competitive.
I look at women who had a smooth route to parenthood (and, presumably, will easily have second and third children) and am envious.
Women who had to use IVF or other extreme measures to conceive are envious of me, who only had to use pills for my first pregnancy and miraculously conceived for my second pregnancy.
Women who were never able to have children are envious of those who have.
It is easy to say that one should be grateful for what she has. But, unfortunately, we are all human and can't help feeling sorry for ourselves every now and then.
My friend A's daughter, who turns 1 tomorrow, had 1 hour of fussiness while she was teething. That's all. Then, poof, she had one tooth, and another the next day. This is the same child who doesn't cry when she goes down to sleep and has had a predictable schedule since she was 1 week old.
Tyler, on the other hand, has now had a week of pain. He's absolutely miserable, and while I've tried all the remedies (please don't suggest more), the only thing I can do is wait for that darned tooth to break through. While he's a good baby, he definitely is susceptible to the typical trials and tribulations of infanthood.
I try so hard to just let it go, but I find myself resentful of my friend because she's never "had it rough." She easily became pregnant, had an easy pregnancy and has never once worried about her daughter's health. Call me a terrible person, but I find myself wishing she could go through a rough couple of years so she knows what it's like for the rest of us.
I'm glad this blog is now invite-only, because I wouldn't want somebody who hasn't been following my story to stumble on this post. I know I'm whining, and I know I should be grateful, but it's hard to stop comparing myself to others. I'm worried I won't be able to stop the comparisons when Tyler gets old enough to figure it out. I just don't want to be one of those mothers.
I wish I weren't so damned competitive.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Stuck
I have a unique situation on my hands.
Though Tyler can roll over both ways, he rarely rolls from his tummy to his back and seems to forget that he can, indeed, do so. Instead, he scoots backwards until he gets tired, then cries for me to rescue him.
We have been using a sleep positioner since he was four months old to flatten out his head. Even after his head was looking better, we continued to use it because it deterred him from rolling onto his tummy when he was about to fall asleep or had just woken up. It worked well...until now.
For the past few days, Tyler has woken up in the morning howling because he's stuck on his tummy in the corner of his crib. This morning, he had a hard time going down for a nap because he kept rolling over and getting stuck.
Honestly. Out of all the issues a baby could have, this is Tyler's?
Though Tyler can roll over both ways, he rarely rolls from his tummy to his back and seems to forget that he can, indeed, do so. Instead, he scoots backwards until he gets tired, then cries for me to rescue him.
We have been using a sleep positioner since he was four months old to flatten out his head. Even after his head was looking better, we continued to use it because it deterred him from rolling onto his tummy when he was about to fall asleep or had just woken up. It worked well...until now.
For the past few days, Tyler has woken up in the morning howling because he's stuck on his tummy in the corner of his crib. This morning, he had a hard time going down for a nap because he kept rolling over and getting stuck.
Honestly. Out of all the issues a baby could have, this is Tyler's?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Good news
The CT scan this morning went more smoothly than I could ever have hoped. And, within 2 hours of returning home, Tyler's pedi called us. There is no hydrocephalus; just a larger than average (but still within accepted range) amount of fluid in his head. We'll need to have a follow-up CT scan sometime in the near future. Tyler just has a really big head (97th percentile, but then again, he's 95th percentile for height).
The big surprise was that he has fluid in his left ear. An ear infection! So that's why he's been fussier than normal over the past couple of weeks. And I thought he was teething...
The big surprise was that he has fluid in his left ear. An ear infection! So that's why he's been fussier than normal over the past couple of weeks. And I thought he was teething...
Friday, May 22, 2009
Back in the Land of Worry
On Tuesday, we will be back again at the children's hosptial where we lost Zach.
It's hard for me to keep back the tears...even though they're a bit premature.
Tyler's pedi wanted him back on Thursday for a head circumference check. It seems his head is not only big, but growing faster than the doc would like to see. Sure enough, his head had jumped a few curves, and the pedi wanted him to get a CT scan. He tried to tell me that I shouldn't be terribly concerned, but I couldn't help it--I broke down in tears in his office. I've been told once before that "it's probably nothing."
Logically, I know that it's very unlikely to hit the lottery twice--or in this case, the polar opposite of the lottery. But it's very hard to think of my little baby in the CT machine, and even worse to think about what could happen. I wish I could be one of those people who just takes things as they go, but I've had too many bad experiences to do that.
The crappy part is, he's not allowed to eat formula for six hours prior to the scan because he's going to be sedated. I scheduled it for 8 a.m.; I figure that if he's going to be really upset and hungry, I might as well do it after he's had a night of not eating. He'll get up about 6:30, and hopefully we'll only have about an hour of a very unhappy baby.
Oh, how I hate waiting.
It's hard for me to keep back the tears...even though they're a bit premature.
Tyler's pedi wanted him back on Thursday for a head circumference check. It seems his head is not only big, but growing faster than the doc would like to see. Sure enough, his head had jumped a few curves, and the pedi wanted him to get a CT scan. He tried to tell me that I shouldn't be terribly concerned, but I couldn't help it--I broke down in tears in his office. I've been told once before that "it's probably nothing."
Logically, I know that it's very unlikely to hit the lottery twice--or in this case, the polar opposite of the lottery. But it's very hard to think of my little baby in the CT machine, and even worse to think about what could happen. I wish I could be one of those people who just takes things as they go, but I've had too many bad experiences to do that.
The crappy part is, he's not allowed to eat formula for six hours prior to the scan because he's going to be sedated. I scheduled it for 8 a.m.; I figure that if he's going to be really upset and hungry, I might as well do it after he's had a night of not eating. He'll get up about 6:30, and hopefully we'll only have about an hour of a very unhappy baby.
Oh, how I hate waiting.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I am frustrated.
I had the best of intentions: I was going to make as much of Tyler's baby food as I could, because I wasn't willing to pay the high prices for Gerber food all the time. We waited until 6 months per his pediatrician's orders, then started with rice cereal. Tyler wasn't having any of it. Thinking it was the taste of the rice cereal, I pureed my own peas, then tried him on that. He still wasn't thrilled.
We took a few days off, setting him in his high chair at mealtimes so he could get used to the feel. When we tried rice cereal again a few days later, he actually opened his mouth for it! Back to peas, and he would take little bits at each meal.
Now green beans. The first time I pureed them, I didn't add enough water and little chunks were still present. Tyler choked and threw up. We bought Gerber green beans just to see how he would do. He did wonderfully.
Then, I tried pureeing a second, much more runny batch of green beans. While he'll mostly get them down, he tends to blow raspberries with his food, and today, he threw it up again. Argh. Next on the menu is more Gerber green beans. I bet he'll love them.
Could my kid be on his way to a processed food diet?
I had the best of intentions: I was going to make as much of Tyler's baby food as I could, because I wasn't willing to pay the high prices for Gerber food all the time. We waited until 6 months per his pediatrician's orders, then started with rice cereal. Tyler wasn't having any of it. Thinking it was the taste of the rice cereal, I pureed my own peas, then tried him on that. He still wasn't thrilled.
We took a few days off, setting him in his high chair at mealtimes so he could get used to the feel. When we tried rice cereal again a few days later, he actually opened his mouth for it! Back to peas, and he would take little bits at each meal.
Now green beans. The first time I pureed them, I didn't add enough water and little chunks were still present. Tyler choked and threw up. We bought Gerber green beans just to see how he would do. He did wonderfully.
Then, I tried pureeing a second, much more runny batch of green beans. While he'll mostly get them down, he tends to blow raspberries with his food, and today, he threw it up again. Argh. Next on the menu is more Gerber green beans. I bet he'll love them.
Could my kid be on his way to a processed food diet?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I had almost forgotten how different my experience was from other mothers' experiences.
Today I was at the weekly baby group I attend, and the other moms--most of whom have babies younger than Tyler--started talking about induction, and labor pains, and general labor/delivery stories. One woman said something like, "Mothers-to-be just never really understand that, no matter how much you plan, things never go exactly according to your plans." She was referring, of course, to women who have specific "birthing plans," etc.
But then I started thinking about how our family-building had taken such a detour. How can you ever possibly plan for being told that your baby will never live outside the uterus, and you have to make the impossible choice between terminating your pregnancy and carrying a doomed baby to term?
I decided I was going to tactfully share my story with the other women. But the opportunity never arose. They were all busy talking about epidurals and Pitocin, and my tale of woe would have been awkward and a conversation-killer. My closest friend in that group knows our story, but no one else does.
I really wish they knew that part of me.
Today I was at the weekly baby group I attend, and the other moms--most of whom have babies younger than Tyler--started talking about induction, and labor pains, and general labor/delivery stories. One woman said something like, "Mothers-to-be just never really understand that, no matter how much you plan, things never go exactly according to your plans." She was referring, of course, to women who have specific "birthing plans," etc.
But then I started thinking about how our family-building had taken such a detour. How can you ever possibly plan for being told that your baby will never live outside the uterus, and you have to make the impossible choice between terminating your pregnancy and carrying a doomed baby to term?
I decided I was going to tactfully share my story with the other women. But the opportunity never arose. They were all busy talking about epidurals and Pitocin, and my tale of woe would have been awkward and a conversation-killer. My closest friend in that group knows our story, but no one else does.
I really wish they knew that part of me.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Updates
Everything has been moving forward with both our home's sale and our new home. We were able to edge out the previous accepted offer, and we're moving in six weeks! I can hardly believe it. Of course, little doubts have inevitably crept into my mind, but I'm pretty happy with the situation. I think I'm just a perfectionist at heart...
Tyler has started solids, but isn't too happy about it. We moved pretty quickly from rice cereal to peas because he just could. not. stand. rice. cereal. It's still a battle to get much down him, but he must be eating something, because his poop has...changed. I'll leave it at that.
What I've been thinking about most recently is the green-eyed monster. You would have thought that envy would have gone away now that I have everything I ever wanted. Oh no. Now all the voices in my head keep on saying things like, "She's so lucky--she lives in a neighborhood where everybody has young kids. My new neighborhood isn't like that!" Or--"I wish my baby was an angel child like hers is." Or--"She has way more friends than I do. It's not fair!"
Oh, how I wish I could just be satisfied with myself the way I am. Alas, I think I am destined for a life of comparing myself to other people. I'm messed up. :)
Tyler has started solids, but isn't too happy about it. We moved pretty quickly from rice cereal to peas because he just could. not. stand. rice. cereal. It's still a battle to get much down him, but he must be eating something, because his poop has...changed. I'll leave it at that.
What I've been thinking about most recently is the green-eyed monster. You would have thought that envy would have gone away now that I have everything I ever wanted. Oh no. Now all the voices in my head keep on saying things like, "She's so lucky--she lives in a neighborhood where everybody has young kids. My new neighborhood isn't like that!" Or--"I wish my baby was an angel child like hers is." Or--"She has way more friends than I do. It's not fair!"
Oh, how I wish I could just be satisfied with myself the way I am. Alas, I think I am destined for a life of comparing myself to other people. I'm messed up. :)
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Sold!
One week after we put our home on the market, we found a buyer. One week. If you were to compare the real estate market to the world of reproduction, we would be the Uber Fertiles. I am hesitant to even tell certain friends and acqaintances who have had their homes on the market for eons. We just got really, really lucky. We feel blessed.
After one day of searching, we also think we have found the house for us. They even accepted our first offer! (The house has been on the market for two years, with several price reductions.) The catch: There already is an accepted offer on the house, but it had a home sale contingency and a bump clause. In English: The family who has dibs on the house has 48 hours to decide if they want to (and can get financing) own two houses at the same time. We really, really hope they throw in the towel.
But all we can do is sit and wait...
After one day of searching, we also think we have found the house for us. They even accepted our first offer! (The house has been on the market for two years, with several price reductions.) The catch: There already is an accepted offer on the house, but it had a home sale contingency and a bump clause. In English: The family who has dibs on the house has 48 hours to decide if they want to (and can get financing) own two houses at the same time. We really, really hope they throw in the towel.
But all we can do is sit and wait...
Monday, March 9, 2009
I guess I should have given more background before dropping the bomb that we were putting our house on the market. We're not doing it because we have to; more because we know we need a bigger place eventually, and now is as good a time as any. Of course, it's a terrible time to be selling a house, but if we could, it would be a great time to buy a house. Our targeted buyer is a first-time homeowner, and those people are getting all sorts of incentives to buy a house this year. We're very hopeful.
In the meantime, however, we just got the news that Mark's health insurance is basically only enough to cover him. So, we're going to have to pay $600-700 a month just to insure Tyler and me. Yikes. That's almost like a second mortgage. Over the past few days, I've come close to panicking, but I just have to take a deep breath and tell myself that God will provide. I've been getting some freelance gigs, but not as many as I need to for us to pay our bills without dipping into savings. The good news is, we have lots of savings (that's how we plan on buying a new house), but I would prefer to not have to use savings every month to pay our bills! That's a good financial strategy, don't you think? :)
Tyler is becoming more and more active and vocal, which makes for a good distraction while I'm looking for freelance work. He likes testing his lungs just for the heck of it, which can be rather...loud. But it makes it easier for me to tell what kind of mood he's in!
In the meantime, however, we just got the news that Mark's health insurance is basically only enough to cover him. So, we're going to have to pay $600-700 a month just to insure Tyler and me. Yikes. That's almost like a second mortgage. Over the past few days, I've come close to panicking, but I just have to take a deep breath and tell myself that God will provide. I've been getting some freelance gigs, but not as many as I need to for us to pay our bills without dipping into savings. The good news is, we have lots of savings (that's how we plan on buying a new house), but I would prefer to not have to use savings every month to pay our bills! That's a good financial strategy, don't you think? :)
Tyler is becoming more and more active and vocal, which makes for a good distraction while I'm looking for freelance work. He likes testing his lungs just for the heck of it, which can be rather...loud. But it makes it easier for me to tell what kind of mood he's in!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Grrr...
I think maybe I've been cooped up too long this winter.
I am feeling downright hostile toward my husband because he forgot to take out the garbage and recycling this morning.
Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but see, there's more. We've decided to put our house on the market, and we spent last weekend clearing out lots of our stuff into a storage unit. We ended up throwing out a lot and putting it in the garage. Now that stuff, plus bags of cans, dirty diapers, kitchen waste, etc., will sit out there for another week.
Even as I write this, I have to laugh at myself. Your biggest issue with your husband is that he didn't take out the garbage? As we've been prepping our house, though, I've started to resent more and more that most of the clutter is his. It's a control thing. I can get working on many of the things I can get done myself, but I have to wait for him for much of this stuff. It drives me nuts! If it were up to me, I would pitch the whole lot of it. His office is a disaster zone.
Oh, and Tyler has reverted from one ravenous night awakening to two. Great. I think my stock has just gone down in the competitive mommy world. Does your son sleep through the night yet? Oh, really? Too bad for you. Mine has slept through the night since the womb!
Goodness, I'm ornery.
I am feeling downright hostile toward my husband because he forgot to take out the garbage and recycling this morning.
Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but see, there's more. We've decided to put our house on the market, and we spent last weekend clearing out lots of our stuff into a storage unit. We ended up throwing out a lot and putting it in the garage. Now that stuff, plus bags of cans, dirty diapers, kitchen waste, etc., will sit out there for another week.
Even as I write this, I have to laugh at myself. Your biggest issue with your husband is that he didn't take out the garbage? As we've been prepping our house, though, I've started to resent more and more that most of the clutter is his. It's a control thing. I can get working on many of the things I can get done myself, but I have to wait for him for much of this stuff. It drives me nuts! If it were up to me, I would pitch the whole lot of it. His office is a disaster zone.
Oh, and Tyler has reverted from one ravenous night awakening to two. Great. I think my stock has just gone down in the competitive mommy world. Does your son sleep through the night yet? Oh, really? Too bad for you. Mine has slept through the night since the womb!
Goodness, I'm ornery.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Nap Boy no more
I think we may be about to transition from 5 naps to 3 naps.
I know, I know--you're crying rivers for me. But one thing people always told me before we had Tyler that I never really took to heart was this: Just when you're getting used to a routine, your baby changes.
It was a cozy little life, Tyler's and mine. He would be up for 45 minutes, then down for 1-2 hours. Rinse, repeat. Feeding usually took about 15 minutes, so I only had to entertain my son for about a half hour. Easy! Now, I'm faced with the daunting task of actually spending a couple of hours in a row playing with him--at a time when the Exersaucer is still just something to look at, not play with.
The funny thing was, I knew this was coming. I had even hoped it would come soon (after all, once the weather gets warm, I'd actually like to go out with him every once in a while!). According to a book I read, many babies settle into a 3-nap schedule between 4 and 5 months. Tyler is 4 months, one week. But I guess I had thought he would magically just be awake and active longer, and we would know. I didn't realize that our cue to change his nap schedule would start with him looking tired enough to put down, but not being tired enough to actually nap. The past few days have been a battle; he's cried and cried after we put him down for his last nap of the day (and yes, he was looking sleepy, which was why I put him down). This morning, he took about 30 minutes to settle into his first nap of the day.
Ah, I'll miss the days when he could easily sleep 18 out of 24 hours in a day (last week).
I know, I know--you're crying rivers for me. But one thing people always told me before we had Tyler that I never really took to heart was this: Just when you're getting used to a routine, your baby changes.
It was a cozy little life, Tyler's and mine. He would be up for 45 minutes, then down for 1-2 hours. Rinse, repeat. Feeding usually took about 15 minutes, so I only had to entertain my son for about a half hour. Easy! Now, I'm faced with the daunting task of actually spending a couple of hours in a row playing with him--at a time when the Exersaucer is still just something to look at, not play with.
The funny thing was, I knew this was coming. I had even hoped it would come soon (after all, once the weather gets warm, I'd actually like to go out with him every once in a while!). According to a book I read, many babies settle into a 3-nap schedule between 4 and 5 months. Tyler is 4 months, one week. But I guess I had thought he would magically just be awake and active longer, and we would know. I didn't realize that our cue to change his nap schedule would start with him looking tired enough to put down, but not being tired enough to actually nap. The past few days have been a battle; he's cried and cried after we put him down for his last nap of the day (and yes, he was looking sleepy, which was why I put him down). This morning, he took about 30 minutes to settle into his first nap of the day.
Ah, I'll miss the days when he could easily sleep 18 out of 24 hours in a day (last week).
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Survey says...
On Facebook, people often "tag" others to take little surveys (like e-mail forwards). Today, a long-lost friend (who just found out about our loss, by the way) tagged me to take this survey. I'm not going to fill it out on Facebook, because honestly, what would it accomplish? It would just shock people, and I would just be inviting judgment--or pity. (I don't know which is worse.)
I am, however, going to fill it out here. Feel free to copy it and take it yourselves!
Here you go mommies - a different kind of survey for a change - it's all about your first born! Just copy and paste it in a new note for yourself!
Let's see how much you remember!
1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? Yes
2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? Yes
3. WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION? Thrilled beyond belief
4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? No. However, it never occurred to me that I might be pregnant with a child who could never live outside the womb.
5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 29
6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? I took a pregnancy test.
7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? Mark
8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? Yes
9. DUE DATE? March 25
10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? Yes, a bit.
11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? It was more about what I didn't want to eat--pretty much everything.
12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? My sister-in-law, because she was due at the same time as us with a "surprise" baby
13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX? Boy
14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? At first I was a little disappointed. However, I was very happy he was a boy.
15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? About 10.
16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? No
17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW?
18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? At 20 weeks, we found out he had no kidneys, which meant he wouldn't live outside the womb. We made the agonizing decision to induce labor right away.
19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? Froedtert Hospital
20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? 18 hours
21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? Mark
22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? Mark, the doctor and the nurses
23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? Vaginal
24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? Yes, I had an epidural.
27. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 14 oz
28. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? Nov. 7, 2007
30. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Zachary Andrew
I am, however, going to fill it out here. Feel free to copy it and take it yourselves!
Here you go mommies - a different kind of survey for a change - it's all about your first born! Just copy and paste it in a new note for yourself!
Let's see how much you remember!
1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? Yes
2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? Yes
3. WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION? Thrilled beyond belief
4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? No. However, it never occurred to me that I might be pregnant with a child who could never live outside the womb.
5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 29
6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? I took a pregnancy test.
7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? Mark
8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? Yes
9. DUE DATE? March 25
10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? Yes, a bit.
11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? It was more about what I didn't want to eat--pretty much everything.
12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? My sister-in-law, because she was due at the same time as us with a "surprise" baby
13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX? Boy
14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? At first I was a little disappointed. However, I was very happy he was a boy.
15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? About 10.
16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? No
17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW?
18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? At 20 weeks, we found out he had no kidneys, which meant he wouldn't live outside the womb. We made the agonizing decision to induce labor right away.
19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? Froedtert Hospital
20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? 18 hours
21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? Mark
22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? Mark, the doctor and the nurses
23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? Vaginal
24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? Yes, I had an epidural.
27. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 14 oz
28. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? Nov. 7, 2007
30. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Zachary Andrew
Sunday, January 18, 2009
The Book of Faces
I have officially crossed over to the Dark Side: I just joined Facebook.
In many ways, Facebook is the exact opposite of the blogging world I have been a part of for almost 2 years (has it really been that long???).
I have met none of you in person.
I know everybody with whom I have contact on Facebook.
Here, I share my deepest, darkest thoughts.
About the most that anybody in the Facebook world knows about my struggle to build a family is that I have a 3-month-old son.
And that's the weird part. See, everyone in my daily life--both friends and most acquaintances--knows about our tragedy in November 2007. We may not talk about it much, but the knowledge is still there. Yet all these long-ago acquaintances on Facebook have no idea. They just see Tyler's smiling face; not all the hurt and devastation that came before Tyler. The loss of Zach is so much a part of me, it's difficult to communicate with people who know nothing about it. And yet, I know I can't include it on my Facebook page because a)it's way too depressing; b)people would feel obligated to give their condolences, and I don't need that; and c)I don't want to open myself up to judgment from people I barely know anymore.
Who ever thought that Facebook would elicit such deep, self-searching thoughts in me?
In many ways, Facebook is the exact opposite of the blogging world I have been a part of for almost 2 years (has it really been that long???).
I have met none of you in person.
I know everybody with whom I have contact on Facebook.
Here, I share my deepest, darkest thoughts.
About the most that anybody in the Facebook world knows about my struggle to build a family is that I have a 3-month-old son.
And that's the weird part. See, everyone in my daily life--both friends and most acquaintances--knows about our tragedy in November 2007. We may not talk about it much, but the knowledge is still there. Yet all these long-ago acquaintances on Facebook have no idea. They just see Tyler's smiling face; not all the hurt and devastation that came before Tyler. The loss of Zach is so much a part of me, it's difficult to communicate with people who know nothing about it. And yet, I know I can't include it on my Facebook page because a)it's way too depressing; b)people would feel obligated to give their condolences, and I don't need that; and c)I don't want to open myself up to judgment from people I barely know anymore.
Who ever thought that Facebook would elicit such deep, self-searching thoughts in me?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Aunt Flo
I got my period today.
On a practical note, I was completely unprepared for my period. I guess it should have occurred to me that I should be stocking up on tampons, just in case, but it didn't. I begged Mark to stop by Target on his way home from work (we still have Target gift cards from when Tyler was born; I just didn't think I'd be using them on tampons!).
On an emotional note, I'm thrilled. Now I can begin my science experiment. Let me take you back a year: Just two months after my pregnancy ended, I became miraculously pregnant a second time with Tyler. I chalked it up to pregnancy straightening out my hormones. The big question: Is my PCOS "cured?" Now, I will actually be able to see if my ovulation last January was a fluke, or a taste of things to come. This will give me a better idea of whether we will need to return to treatment when we decide to try for a second child.
On a practical note, I was completely unprepared for my period. I guess it should have occurred to me that I should be stocking up on tampons, just in case, but it didn't. I begged Mark to stop by Target on his way home from work (we still have Target gift cards from when Tyler was born; I just didn't think I'd be using them on tampons!).
On an emotional note, I'm thrilled. Now I can begin my science experiment. Let me take you back a year: Just two months after my pregnancy ended, I became miraculously pregnant a second time with Tyler. I chalked it up to pregnancy straightening out my hormones. The big question: Is my PCOS "cured?" Now, I will actually be able to see if my ovulation last January was a fluke, or a taste of things to come. This will give me a better idea of whether we will need to return to treatment when we decide to try for a second child.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Obsessed
A friend pointed out something to me tonight that I should have realized a while ago: I have OCD when it comes to caring for my son.
The reason I should have realized this is because I was obsessive when we were TTC and when I was pregnant, so why shouldn't I be the same way with raising a child?
Tyler is a sleeper. As in, he still sleeps about 18 hours a day. At nearly three months old. And for the past 5 of 7 days, he has slept through the night.
All this is absolutely wonderful and makes for lots of free time for me. I'm certainly not complaining.
Except.
Tyler still seems to need 6 feedings a day, which he takes between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. And he sleeps in between every feeding. Which means that he usually takes about 5 naps a day, some of which are only an hour long. This means that my day is full of countless wakings and putting-downs.
The simple solution to this would be to decrease his number of feedings. But he won't do it. I tried for a few days to give him 6 ounces at each feeding, but he would never finish his bottle and he always wanted a 6th feeding at night.
Can you sense the OCD yet?
I know I should just relax and go with the flow. But it's really hard to do when you have all these outside forces expressing shock at your baby's sleep habits. My in-laws are especially frustrated because he's not awake long enough for their liking. They babysat for him on Saturday and my MIL kept track of his feedings and sleeping. He was up for almost 2 hours after one feeding! I know exactly what happened: He started to fuss, and rather than put him down, my MIL decided to just hold him.
Grandparents.
I think I need to jumpstart my freelancing career so I have something to think about besides my son's sleep habits.
(And yes, I just bought Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child and am enjoying it. Please don't suggest any more books on sleeping, because I have had it with so many different opinions!)
The reason I should have realized this is because I was obsessive when we were TTC and when I was pregnant, so why shouldn't I be the same way with raising a child?
Tyler is a sleeper. As in, he still sleeps about 18 hours a day. At nearly three months old. And for the past 5 of 7 days, he has slept through the night.
All this is absolutely wonderful and makes for lots of free time for me. I'm certainly not complaining.
Except.
Tyler still seems to need 6 feedings a day, which he takes between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. And he sleeps in between every feeding. Which means that he usually takes about 5 naps a day, some of which are only an hour long. This means that my day is full of countless wakings and putting-downs.
The simple solution to this would be to decrease his number of feedings. But he won't do it. I tried for a few days to give him 6 ounces at each feeding, but he would never finish his bottle and he always wanted a 6th feeding at night.
Can you sense the OCD yet?
I know I should just relax and go with the flow. But it's really hard to do when you have all these outside forces expressing shock at your baby's sleep habits. My in-laws are especially frustrated because he's not awake long enough for their liking. They babysat for him on Saturday and my MIL kept track of his feedings and sleeping. He was up for almost 2 hours after one feeding! I know exactly what happened: He started to fuss, and rather than put him down, my MIL decided to just hold him.
Grandparents.
I think I need to jumpstart my freelancing career so I have something to think about besides my son's sleep habits.
(And yes, I just bought Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child and am enjoying it. Please don't suggest any more books on sleeping, because I have had it with so many different opinions!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)