Confirmation

I should call my blog "The Unlucky .02 Percent," because that's about the chance of our child having this condition.

See, I can still joke! As many of you already know, you can't cry all day long when you're going through suffering. There are moments of deep sadness, but there are also incredibly, incredibly funny moments, too. M's mother is very emotional, and I think she's been taken aback by how loud we've laughed at times over the past few days. The thing is, both M and I are theater people, and we know how easily the line between tragedy and comedy can be blurred.

As I expected, the perinatologist's diagnosis was correct. Our baby has bilateral renal agenesis, which means he has no kidneys or bladder and cannot survive outside the womb. In addition, there may be a problem with the nuchal fold, which could indicate other major disabilities. In short, our child has lots of problems.

I am scheduled to be induced this afternoon. Unfortunately, the staff at the hospital where I work are not equipped to handle something like this (i.e., ending the life of a living fetus with a lethal condition), so I will be delivering with a different doctor at a different hospital.

The thing is, while M and I are devastated, we have not sunk into a pit of despair. We've been overwhelmed by the love and kindness shown to us--from you guys, from our family, our friends, our co-workers. My OB has been wonderful. She called and spoke to me for 20 minutes last night. She had been trying to fight to get me to deliver at my hospital, but at this point I'm ready for my scheduled induction. She told me how everyone in her office is so broken up about this. Not that they would ever want anyone to experience such a loss, but they were all rooting for me so much.

And our faith has held us up. Honestly, I don't know how we would handle even getting up in the morning without God's help. I feel so sad, but I also feel strengthened. Our path has changed from the one we originally put together. There has to be a reason for it. Some good will come out of this--even if it's not to us. Our little boy's short time in my belly will not be in vain.

Thank you so much for all your comments and offers of comfort. I can't tell you how much it means to open my e-mail and see so many people pouring out their hearts. It breaks my heart to see how many of you have experienced similar losses. That's just not right.

For the first time this morning, I didn't take my prenatal pill. It just didn't seem to matter anymore. I am very, very scared about what's going to happen in a few hours, but it's something the two of us will just have to get through. I just hope the labor won't go as long as 48 hours, as some early inductions have been known to go that long.

Hey, and look on the bright side--I only have $200 left before I reach my out-of-pocket maximum for my insurance! So this delivery will be pretty close to free. (Cut me some slack--I have to find some sort of silver lining. :) )