First of all, I'd like to thank all who gave suggestions for medical termination books and Web sites; I'm planning on taking a look at them and probably getting myself a few Christmas presents in next couple of weeks.
Many of you have probably noticed that while I've been posting here, I haven't been commenting on your blogs. I have been staying away from most blogs recently, and when I do visit I rarely comment. To be perfectly honest, pregnancy and baby blogs make me feel my loss even more acutely, and even infertility blogs make me feel bad. Don't worry--it's not you, it's me! I just need to take things very slowly right now and be, well, rather self-centered for the time being. I'm still thinking about all of you a lot and will return eventually.
I have lots of thoughts swirling around in my head, so rather than turn them all into separate posts, I thought I'd address them all at once:
--I saw my doctor today for my post-D&C check-up. She says everything looks good, but I have to admit that given recent events I don't feel good about anything unless I've had an ultrasound. But alas, that is not to be. I was very disappointed when she told me I couldn't start the Met just yet. See, here was my plan: Because Dr. Hot (my RE, for those of you who weren't around pre-baby) likely wants me to start Met before even attempting Letrozole, I thought I'd start it now so I'd be ready to begin treatment in January. But my OB wants me to wait three weeks to do anything at all. By that time, she says, we will have gotten the autopsy results back and we can decide whether PGD is in order. That depressed me, because it just reminded me that there's a possibility our baby's problem was genetic and our only chance of having a healthy baby is IVF with PGD. So we wait. Again.
--I go back to work on Monday. I'm a little bit nervous about seeing everybody again, but mostly I'm nervous that work is going to be as boring as it was before I went on leave. That means, of course, that I will have way too much time to think about the most recent depressing turn of events. The last time I was at work I was eagerly anticipating leaving it all behind in March. Now, I'm just working. I guess I should just be grateful I have a job in the first place.
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14 comments:
True True! *On your last thoughts*
It's tough to figure out what to do next. The waiting sucks, but I hope you'll get some positive answers.
Having never been in such a situation, I don't know how I would feel about being pregnant with a child who would be severely disabled. No matter what, it's a difficult situation with difficult decisions.
I think I understand a little your need to retreat a bit from the blogosphere just now. We'll miss you. And I'm sorry for the delay on the Met.
Oh, Ann. My heart breaks for you. Take all of the time that you need.
Don't worry about reading or commenting on my blog if you don't feel like it.
Look after yourself...
xx
J
Hang in there...I know what you mean about staying away from the IF blogs sometimes. They don't help on some days.
You comment whenever you want ro don't want. We are all still going to be here for you.
Do take care of yourself and focus on what helps you through this difficult and confusing time.
I completely relate to the posting but not commenting. I myself am just coming out of a kind of commenting strike. It really was just too hard to read about people trying to get or being pregnant. I could only relate to those who had just had a loss, and sometimes I even resented them if they didn't have many complications.
People seem pretty understanding when you become a little one-sided after a loss. I hope you get to move forward with trying again soon. This limbo sure stinks!
I totally get what you mean about not commenting on some blogs. Sometimes when I am reading someone's post it is just too painful or emotional and I have to stop reading. After I just lost my last pg I had a hard time reading any good news - so it makes sense to me that you aren't commenting.
I hope that getting back to work will be a good distraction for you. Try to keep the chin up...as hard as that may be.
:)
The position you're in is just so shitty. If it helps, on the work thing, when my dad died everyone wanted to console me and say they were sorry. I know this is much much worse, but for dealing with the comfort people want to give you that you don't want to be given - just tell people "I appreciate it but don't want to talk yet." or "I appreciate it but no hugging allowed."
I can't imagine what you're going through, but I found telling people where I was at in a vague way like above made them back off and let me go through the motions how I wanted.
I know you may have to go back to work right now, but if it's too hard, then do ask for more time off. I tried to go back to work very early and it was too much.
After only 4 days, I had to leave again for a few months to rest and recover.
Take care, your body has been through a lot of physical disruptions, you need to take the best possible care of it. Lots of vitamins, lots of sleep, exercise, good food; those are your job. If you are bored at your job, and waiting for your tests then focus on recovery.
I'll be thinking of you.
This is my first time here and I have just read your story. I am in tears over the loss of your sweet little boy.
I haven't experienced the same degree of loss as you have, but I have lost pregnancies. I well remember how hard it is to return to your "prepregnancy/baby" life.
I will be keeping you in my prayers and hoping that this was just a horrible, awful fluke and not a genetic condition.
Oh Honey, you are still in my thoughts everyday. Here's hoping the next few months fly by and you can figure out what to do next with the least amount of stress! Good luck...
I had a coworker last year who lost twins at 24 weeks because they were conjoined. She couldn't come back to work for 6 months.
If you were planning on leaving it all behind in March, what's stopping you now? Writing counts as work too. Working on my book is sometimes harder than the hospital...
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