Because I practically sequestered myself for the first couple of weeks after Zach died, I was shielded from almost all insensitive comments. Foolishly, I thought I wasn’t going to have to worry about other people inadvertently hurting me.
Oh, how naïve I was.
I have learned that I have become a horror story. As in, I’m the scary monster who walks down the village street, leering at the frightened villagers who run for cover in their homes. As they run, they pull their loved ones close to them, desperate to shield them from the Dead Baby Disease.
Case in point: I saw my hairstylist last week for a cut and highlights. Even before I arrived, I knew she would say something inappropriate because she’s just that kind of person. I had told her about Zach when I scheduled the appointment. Midway through my appointment, she told me that after she hung up with me, she called her pregnant daughter (who was a few weeks ahead of me) “just because I wanted to make sure Junior was doing OK.” Then, she started telling her daughter my story. Her daughter was in tears and stopped her in the middle.
Let me ask you this: If someone had just told you her husband had died, would you tell her that after you heard the news, you ran home to your own husband and told him how much you love him and how you hope nothing happens to him?
I, however, said nothing to the hairstylist. After all, I had to spend the next hour with this woman. Really, what was I going to say? “Please don’t tell me about how relieved you were that your daughter doesn’t have to go through what I have gone through.”
Even a close friend felt the need to tell me that she and her mother are purposely keeping my story from her pregnant sister-in-law because they don’t want to scare her.
I have asked my mother to stop telling me about the latest person she has shared my story with. Inevitably, those stories involve the person being shocked and in tears. At one point, I was happy to hear those stories. Now it just reminds me how unusual and tragic my situation is, which makes me feel even more sorry for myself. Even my RE’s office said they only hear about a second- or third-trimester loss maybe once every other month.
What’s worse—having your loss minimized by other people, or having the world constantly remind you that it really, really sucks to be you right now? I’m not sure I know.
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13 comments:
People always say the most inappropraite things, especially when they don't know what to say. It seems like the less the know what to say, the more they talk and out comes things that are so hurtful.
I can't even imagine how hard it must have been to sit there and have your hair dresser continue to rattle on. Have you though about coming up with a comment that will let people know that you don't really want to hear what they are saying? Then if you don't like the path the conversation is taking, you could say the line to stop it. Maybe something like, "Could we not talk about this right now? It is really very painful." It doesn't really matter what you say, just that you have it ready to stop the next person who is hurting you.
Hugs.
Stacie is right that people say inappropriate things because they don't know what to say. Can I make a request for a post. Call this a learning moment for those of us out here who've never been in your shoes. Can you write what people have said, and what they should have said. Educate us. Did that come out right? I hope it did.
Thinking about you. How did the hair turn out?
Sigh are people covering up their discomfort by blurting out crap?!
I thought idiotic questions were limited to the ttc phase. I wish I had the guts to say "Could we not talk about this right now?" for everytime I felt like squirming..
You are a strong woman. I would have flipped out on the bitch. Let me introduce you to my favorite name for people like her: CAB - the long version: Cunt Ass Bitch. She is a number one CAB. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
It is bad enough when I have to go through a hard time, I really don't need everyone talking about it too...
I hope they grow a heart and stop saying hurtful things.
Sorry that you're getting innapropriate responses. It sucks, but it's kind of par for the course.
Most people just don't run it via their frontal lobes first. My personal favourite is the hiardresser who felt compelled to tell you about a healthy preg. Like you needed to hear that. Now.
J
Oh, I am so very sorry. You do not need this kind of insensitivity. I hope that all the lousy comments you're going to be hit with are over and done, and all you get from here on out are supportive and kind ones.
I like Stacie's idea of having a line ready. I find it much easier to be assertive, in general, if I am prepared in advance. How about, "Why don't we talk about something less painful, instead of this?" You might find it easier to say something out loud if it's in the form of a more constructively critical remark-- instead of "stop saying what you're saying" you suggest "let's talk about X instead."
I am so sorry. :( When I read your line, "I have become a horror story," I knew exactly what you meant. I hated being the focus of everyone's stares & pity after I lost my daughter. And it bugs the heck out of me when they say stuff like, "Oh, I can't imagine what you've been through." What they really mean is they don't want to even try to imagine. Not that they ever could imagine (no one can). It's just something convenient they can say & then move on to another topic they're more comfortable with. Ugh.
I wish I had the power to make it stop! Ugh. Like you need the added awful commentary. This is too, too much...sorry you've had to deal with the added weird behaviors.
This reminds me very much of how people treated my family after my older brother committed suicide. People were freaked out about it, so rather than being support, some of them treated us like we were contagious. Many people, her therapist included, told my mother, "that could never happen to my child."
I think that's what your hairdresser was doing. Rather than being supportive, she decided that the most important thing was to convince herself that such a thing could never happen to her. It's horrible and isolating and I'm so sorry you have to deal with it.
Ugh, being the 'example' of what nobody can imagine, jesus. Just what you need - them calling their loved ones confirming they're not suffering like you? Seriously, I'll come out there and kick some ass if you want. I'll do it, really...
i'm sorry...people are so stupid. thanks for sharing...i agree with teamwinks- one can learn a lot from your post.
Ugh, what crap people can say. Talk about diarrhea of the mouth.
Welcome to the club, unfortunately you are now a charter member. I'm so sorry.
I think this kind of reaction is the most shocking part of grief. No one is kind, no one is understanding, I just don't get it.
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