As anyone who reads this blog regularly already knows, I’m a planner—not only with long-term goals (like baby-making) and work, but also with my social life. Here’s an example of what my weekly life was like pre-Zach:
Sunday pm: Community handbell choir rehearsal, 2.5 hrs
Tuesday pm: Small group Bible study, 2 hrs
Wednesday pm: Direct children’s handbell choir, 1 hr
Thursday pm: Church handbell and vocal choirs, 2.5 hrs
In addition, I was very active in trying to plan social engagements for M and me to fill up each weekend. If we didn’t have plans with anyone else for the weekend, I was a bit disconcerted. Although friends did call us, we were more likely to have called them first (and more often) to arrange dinner plans a few weeks in advance. Yes, I am that anal-retentive. Because of my social anxiety issues, I was also always concerned that other people were much more socially active than we were.
Then we lost Zach, and our lives became completely different.
For the first few days after we returned from the hospital (the first time), I was a hermit. I didn’t even want to talk to family members and close friends on the phone. Then, gradually, we started seeing more people over the next few weeks—always in small groups. I discovered at Thanksgiving that large (social) groups now make me skittish, as does planning too much for one weekend. I am most comfortable being around M; for anyone else, I have to be “on,” and I just don’t have the energy for that. I can enjoy being around friends, but only a few at a time, and for a short amount of time. (Boy, this makes me sound like I have some sort of disease, doesn’t it??!!) I did go back to work last week, but that’s completely different. At my office job, I don’t have to pretend I’m happy about life; I just have to get the work done.
Now, suddenly, the tables are turning. We aren’t calling people; they’re calling us. Sometimes it’s to check up on us, sometimes it’s to invite us to do something or issue an open invitation. It’s not because they feel sorry for us; it’s because they genuinely like spending time with us and, apparently, as we retreat, they pick up the slack. I actually told M last night that I’m concerned about how busy the weekend is shaping up to be. Yes, we have time for everything, but I really don’t want to overdo it. I need to have some quality time in front of the TV, dammit! Yet I find it difficult to reject all these people coming at us when it’s what I’ve always wanted.
I’m not complaining about this turn of events at all. I’m incredibly grateful—just a bit bewildered. Since I was a teenager, I’ve always had this theory that there are four aspects of life—Family, Love, Work and Friends (although Family and Love have pretty much merged since I got married, so I should probably create subcategories under Family to separate my marriage from our efforts to have a child—guess which of those two is at rock bottom right now?). You can never be completely happy with all four of those aspects at the same time. To quote from the musical “Avenue Q:” “Everyone’s a little bit unsatisfied/Everyone goes ‘round a little empty inside.” (Though it sounds depressing, it’s actually a very funny musical and very, very true.) Apparently, as my efforts to build a family have gone to crap, my happiness with my potential social life has skyrocketed. The only problem is that I’m not quite ready to be the social butterfly that I once was. I simply don’t enjoy spending time with friends as much as I used to—yet. I have to find that delicate balance between gratefully accepting the efforts of friends and family and taking enough time for myself.
And yes, I’ve dropped all the mid-week activities for the time being. I may resume a few of them again, but very, very slowly.
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11 comments:
Of course people like you! I'm glad to hear you are getting out and enjoying your friends.
You are a very strong women.
Take your own sweet time Ann - its nice to hang out with friends. But its perfectly fine to pace your socializing at your comfort level.
I'm glad you're friends are being supportive and thinking of you. That is a very reassuring feeling.
Thank you for reading my blog. I've enjoyed reading yours as well. Consider yourself officially tagged!
I'm glad that people are taking the initiative to contact you, it's not an easy ask since many find it difficult to know what to say or do. You must have some lovely friends,
J
Isn't it nice to have good friends?
I'm not at all surprised that people like you, but I'm glad they're making the effort at a time when you need them to do so. They sound wonderful, and I suspect that they understand it's nothing personal when you turn down an occasional invitation because you need time to yourself.
It's so true that all 4 cannot be complete at the same time. One has got to give in order for another to thrive. True, true. Anyway, I think all that work you put into making plans with friends was done so that they could show you support and encouragement now. It's hard to find friends like that.
A lot of the current commotion may be brought on by the holidays as well...maybe the craziness will slow down in January or maybe people just really love you and want to be around you always!
I should finally say hello. I have been checking in on your story and wanted to say hello....lord knows through which blog I originally found your site through.... but hello all the same.
Do what makes you feel comfortable right now. Truly. It is not the time to step up to a role. If you need time alone then take it, if friends help you feel more at ease then that's great but you have to look out for yourself. People won't understanding exactly but they will undersatnd enough.
Look after yourself xx
I wanted to say hello - I have read your site a few times and wanted to let you know what a comfort it is to see someone going through a similar situation as me.
6 weeks ago we had twin boys who were stillborn at 21 weeks - 3 weeks of specialists about complications beforehand gave lots of half answers which meant we were so emotionally drained by the time I showed signs of preterm labour that we went ahead with induced labour.
It was special to give birth and hold our boys, and it is still heartbreaking not to have them with us. I admire your strength in getting back into life - I only started back at work last week for an hour a day, I can barely talk to anyone and feel so isolated. I definitely have the Dead Baby Disease.
Life is cruel and unfair but we comfort ourselves that we were lucky to hold our boys. Good luck with TTC and with Christmas without your little boy - I know how hard it is!
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