I’m at a loss for how I should be handling my loss in public.
More specifically, I have no idea how much “shielding myself” is too much. People like to tell grieving folk such as me that we should take as much time as we need, that everyone grieves at a different pace, and “only we know what’s right for us right now.”
Well, yes, that’s all well and good, but it’s really only a bunch of lip service. As far as I know, I am the only person who thinks about Zach and my current childless state pretty much around the clock. (M does think about him, but, being a guy, the grief comes in waves for him and isn’t as constant.) So while others offer me a hug and a “How are you doing?” when we see each other, they can quickly move on to other things, while one part of my mind is always stuck on Nov. 7.
Case in point: We stopped by my friend A’s house for a small open house/goodbye party for another friend on Saturday. I was apprehensive, because A is 13 weeks pregnant and I hadn’t seen her since we lost Zach. Most of the afternoon went surprisingly well, except when A was handing out her holiday letter to all of us. M read it first and tried his best to hide it inside his jacket, but she cornered him and insisted that I read it. Most of the letter was one long gush about how excited A and her husband are to be having a baby in June. I felt sick to my stomach and quickly put the letter down. At first, I couldn’t believe she would insist I read such a letter in public, but then I realized she simply hadn’t been thinking about how it would affect me. Well, of course not—because unlike me, not everything in her life is colored by the events of Nov. 7.
Is this the way life is going to be from now on? People tell me I should take my time with my grief, but in the next breath they instruct me not to isolate myself. OK, so I’m supposed to be out and about. But are these same people going to take personal responsibility for making sure the conversation doesn’t turn to something that makes me want to shoot myself? More likely, if I ever show any sign of being bothered by talk of babies and pregnancy, they will be thinking, My goodness, doesn’t she know the world still goes on despite her loss?
M and I are in a weekly Bible study with A and a few other people. We’ve said we will come back in January, but am I really ready to be seeing her on a weekly basis? When I was pregnant, my gestation was a prayer request (from other people in the group) pretty much every week. (To tell the truth, it got kind of old.) Will they do the same thing with her? Do I send all of them an e-mail asking them to pray for her privately, rather in front of me? Or would that look too much like I feel the sun rises and sets on my emotions?
Or, put more simply, do I:
a) withdraw completely
b) come back, but make sure they all know what topics are off-limits with me, or
c) just suck it up and hope that someday it won’t hurt so badly
For the audience who is reading this post, the answer would never, ever be “c.” However, I’m afraid that the rest of the world doesn’t see the situation quite the same way as we Infertiles and Pregnancy Loss People (IPLP) do.
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Hi Thanks for posting on my blog last week about clomid. I have read all of your entire blog as a result. I know after my miscarriage, some people were sensitive to my needs and others were not. I felt that the only way people really knew where to tread and where not to tread was when I opened my mouth to tell them. I learned this the hard way after going through several emotional outbursts though. You should probably go to things when you feel like going but know that it is okay to go home if you are just not feeling it. My sister gave birth in July. The best thing I did was to tell her that I was happy for her but some things would be difficult for me to take in. I had to do it at my pace and not when others thought I should be ready just because it is their day in the spotlight. If you leave a bible study meeting early, nothing needs to be said other than you are not emotionally ready at the moment. Don't be afraid to take care of yourself and your husband's feelings first even if it means going home early or not going at all. Giving people a show of an emotional breakdown every now and then will show them too that just because you have gone back to church, work, and bible studies, doesn't mean that you aren't still hurting. My emotional breakdowns showed that I was still grieving even after I stopped crying all the time. It reminds people that you can wear a smile on the outside and still be hurting. You will always remember but you will find one step at a time what you are comfortable with. And tell people when you need an extra emotional hug. (For your own sake, Don't go to the study around A's due date as it won't be pretty for you emotionally.) Stop by my blog and I will give you my e-mail address if you want to talk more. Hopefully all this information doesn't come across as assvice.
Yep, not everyone knows how to react to grief. I know my own friends shielded me a lot, not telling me about others' pregnancies, because they knew it was painful. But that's not always par for the course. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking more time away from your Bible Study if you find being near a heavily pregnant person painful. I actually quit my job as an L & D nurse because it was too much to bear. It can be hard to put a time-frame on when your comfort with it will return. Do you feel pressure to put a time-frame on your grief?
What I do is take little breaks. Even though I miss people, I know it is best to stay away sometimes. They don't mean to be cruel, but it certainly hurts my feelings and makes me feel like crap.
So I give myself an "out". I can go or not depending on my mood, my day, my week, etc.....
I guess mostly I stay away
People forget, and surprisingly quickly. I often find that more hurtful than the daft comments.
J
I can't really give you any good advice here, other than to think of how you would prefer someone address this situation if you were looking in from the outside.
For example, imagine you were a guy in the class... Would it seem odd to you for LadyB to request that the group not do a prayer request for Lady A's child because of her loss? Would you understand that it is because it is too painful, or would you ascribe some other reason?
I find other people can't answer these types of questions for me - it is my own case-by-case thing. Role-playing it out might help you decide how to cope.
Also, one thing is for sure... People are going to keep bumping into this painful area for a very long time. I've found no good way to avoid it happening, but the pain does really become less raw over time. I know you understand this, but maybe it helps to hear it again.
My loss was not as great as yours, so I am not trying to say I know about your particular pain, just that it does get better, if gradually.
God speed your healing.
No advice, but sending what ever amount of support you need. People are fickle, and do move on quickly...but for those of us in the trenches...well its just not that easy for us!
You've given yourself a tough set of choices: I don't think anyone here would advocate A or C, as too extreme, and B is going to be hard to make happen all the time. I think you probably need to use a combination of all three strategies: withdraw from events when you know it's in your best interest, request people refrain from discussing certain topics when feasible, and occasionally suck it up when there's nothing else to do (but I'd try to avoid this option as much as possible, especially right now).
How you feel and what you do about it is your problem to solve, but conversely, how others feel about your actions and feelings is THEIR problem. It's a heavy enough burden to have your own feelings to manage, without also feeling responsible toward others. I'm not saying be rude, but try to take care of yourself, pushing yourself when it seems appropriate, and drawing back when that seems like the right thing to do.
I say do whatever makes you comfortable and don't worry about other people. Easier said than done, I know.
Really, no one can dictate how long it takes a person to grieve. I think most people know that, but they feel bad because you feel bad. I would think that is really why they want you to "move on"--not to forget, but because they don't want to see you in pain.
Try not to let other people's discomfort make you feel that you should do anything other than what YOU want to do.
Have you read Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking?" It talks about the year after Didion's husband died. She describes wishing that formal mourning etiquette was still practiced in society today, because as it now is, you are thrown back into the world before you are ready to be there.
Maybe it's just me, but if members of a Bible study were kind enough to pray over a member's pregnancy every meeting, then I would hope that they would pray over your healing from the loss now too, even if they also opt to start praying for the other woman's pregnancy.
I have absolutely know idea about "prayer circle etiquette," though. If they didn't pray for you, could you offer yourself up for it, saying you are struggling? That alone might give others the clue on how to procede regarding the other member's pregnancy status.
Wishing you much peace.
I think you have to remove yourself at times. There are times I am sure, when you are a little more emotionally fragile - recognise those times and stay away from the hurtful reminders. The world does forget very quickly - and I think too we aren't very good at saying "actually, I'm not doing that great, I think about my loss and my emptiness all the time".
I know it hurts. I'm there with you. And I'm hoping for better outcomes for all of us who are hurting.
This is a very important topic. You are right - although people may try to say take as much time as you need, (almost) nobody acts like it. They expect you to attend baby showers, talk happily about someone else's pregnancy in their 1st month TTC, and hold the new babies all around... all the while wondering why you're teary-eyed?
That said, you're right - you will be the person who will MOST think of Zach & all you may have to go through to TTC again. Although it affected your husband, you carried the child and felt it move around, it affected you the most, since you took complete care of it while it was alive in your womb. Plus, husbands compartmentalize. It makes them great for getting things done, but not so great for being emotionally connected.
The Bible study question is tough. Afterall, they probably are a support to you guys. They seem to care about you. Plus, friendships help even in times of pain. However, this one is a decision only you can make, because only you know what you can handle and what just makes your pain worse.
Personally, I actually am doing option c. Not that I like it, it's just what I feel I need to do, and I can handle. But your loss was so much greater than mine in many ways, and yours is newer too. So figure out what You need and do that. There is NO WRONG THING YOU CAN DO. Period. You are hurting and any of those things are all considerate ways of protecting yourself. None are mean or selfish.
You can also mention this to your husband and see if he could help look out for your emotions. It took my husband over a year to finally start learning how to shield me from "grief/pain triggers". But now, having him aware what they are and looking out for me, makes me feel less of the burden.
I am so very sorry you have to even wonder about these things. I wish everyone would treat a child lost in-pregnancy as they would losing a parent to cancer or a heart attack or something. You are normal and a loving mother to be grieving your Zachary. I wish I could have seen your precious son. *hugs* to you today.
Ann, there is no way I could know how you feel but on some level I feel the same withdrawl from other pregnant couples and not having experience your loss and yet still not wanting to socialize with them makes me realize what a strong person you are. The fact that you attended this party shows your strength. I'm sorry for what happened.
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