At Becky’s request, I have compiled a list of the “wrong” things people have said to us following the stillbirth of our son, and what they should have said. Keep in mind that all of these people meant well; mostly, they just said these things because they were uncomfortable. I have even included a comment I made a year and a half ago to a friend who had just miscarried. Yes, I screwed up too. Also, keep in mind that most of these comments were said to us as part of a rather short conversation. As in: “It’s been a hard month for us because we found out our fetus had a deadly birth defect.” “Oh. Well, I’m sure it’s for the best.” Now, if a similar comment had been part of a longer conversation on, say, spirituality and how we as Christians have to believe that God somehow works everything for good, then it would have been more appropriate. It’s all about context, baby.
With that said, I proudly bring you…
The Pocket Primer on What to Say Following a Stillbirth, Miscarriage or Other Infant Loss
What they said: Absolutely nothing (my 91-year-old grandfather)
What they should have said: “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
What they said: “Well, at least you’re still young.” (M’s uncle)
What they should have said: “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
What they said: “We have had so many miscarriages in the family. I firmly believe that is due to environmental factors.” (M’s second cousin, who apparently has no idea of the difference between a miscarriage and a stillbirth/medical termination)
What they should have said: “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
What they said: “All I can say is, everyone I’ve known who has had a miscarriage has gone on to deliver to term shortly afterwards.” (This was my comment, said to a friend who had miscarried at 8 weeks.)
What they should have said: “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
What they said: “You know, naming a fetus can actually make the grief process harder. It might not be the best idea.” (M’s therapist apparently didn’t realize I had actually given birth to a baby, and not had a miscarriage. Do the math, asshole! Once he realized his mistake, he apologized profusely, but we’re both still pretty pissed off.)
What they should have said: “Hmmm, I see. Go on.”
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18 comments:
I have had two losses and I don't know what I found worse, people not saying anything - (just to acknowledge your pain, even tho they haven't felt it) - or that they would say dumb things, thinking it was putting a 'rational' spin on things (for who? them or me?) A simple "i'm sorry for your loss" when genuine went a looonnnggg way at times.
I am sorry for your loss and I am thinking of you and your husband.
This is a great post. I've had two losses, also, and if I get PG again there's no way I'm telling anyone until I can't hide it anymore, because I can't bear to hear any of the BS comments ever again.
I had a friend whom also lost her child around the same time period. It amazes me these people said these things to you and yet they said these same things to her too.
What I did was I talked to her almost everyday through email. If she was feeling up to it, she responded. If not, she just got another email from me the next day. The emails weren't about anything important - just about the funny outfit I saw my boss wearing that day. Or how I loved my lunch. Or a joke or a story. Nothing she HAD to respond to, but just normalities of everyday life.
Later, she told me that when they first lost their child, she got much support, from family, friends, everyone. And then they vanished. I was one of her only outside ~constants~ in her life. Someone who made her feel like any other person when she needed it. But also, someone who had gone through a terrible loss, as I didn't ignore the subject either. She said I brought her much comfort in a world she wasn't too comfortable in.
The reason I bring this up is because I think about you and read your blog almost daily looking for updates. And I hope that you have someone like this in your life. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to be one of these people for you, but I stopped each time because I didn't really know you at all. I've read your blog, yes, but I don't think we've ever engaged one another. And then I think about how all the times I stopped from at least trying to be one of these people and I kick myself for it. And I'm sorry. I did want you to know that I can be someone like this. If you have an opening, I'm a good talker while you only have to listen. And it works really well vice versa too.
((BIGS HUGS))
My heart goes out to you and your hubby.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss AND I'm so sorry you've had to deal with such insensitivity. I'm sure you're right that it's just a case of people not knowing what to say, but that must've been tough to hear nonetheless. Hugs.
Very good responses, I'd amend the last one to say that any good Doc knows that perinatal grief is a legitimate issue, and naming your lost child/pregnancy/fetus is basic.
Which makes me concerned that he is not a very good doc and may do you both more harm than good in the long run.
Take care, and consider switching.
It is so hard for people to know what to say, sometimes they say the first thing that pops into their mouth. I hope you have some other people who are saying the right thing too.
I cannot imagine the grief you experience plus the downright insensitive comments. It makes me sad that people are SO ill-equipt with knowing how to handle a miscarriage. I try to handle it like you would someone's family member dieing of cancer: show sorrow, tell them the loss seems senseless, and ask them how they're doing and just listen. Unfortunately, a lot of people look at it more like a Pregnancy that was lost rather than a baby (erego, if you get pregnant again, you'll have what you lost and not be sad anymore!).
I am sorry for your loss of your precious little son.
I cringe every time I read a post like this because I know, just KNOW, that somewhere along the lines (before IF) I said something completely hurtful to someone either because I was uncomfortable or because I was just ignorant to how hurtful it could be by using a cliche to try to make someone feel better.
I'm sorry people are saying hurtful things to both of you.
Yeah I think people want to comfort you and they don't realize that what's being said isn't comforting at all. All anyone really needs to say is "I'm sorry for your loss" and that's that.
And yes what happened is far different than miscarrying but perhaps people don't know the details?
I had a misscarriage my first pregnancy but I hadn't told anyone but my family about the pregnancy so I never had to deal with stupid comments. Ever since then I've been a firm believer of not telling anyone about pregnancy until at least 3 months, even longer if possible. It just keeps you safe.
This primer is very useful. I will always keep it in mind should I encounter anyone who goes through any sort of loss with babies.
Yep, I can tick all of those answers. I got the same stuff.
My RE was the only one who said 'I am so sorry for your loss' and gave me a hug. Is it that hard to work out?
I also got 'well, um, err, I'm *sure* it will be better next time' or 'It's so unlikely that your next baby will be affected', prompting me to demand the freaking crystal ball they were using.
Oh, and I got 'PCO gets better for a while after pregnancy from my RE, but that one was TRUE.
xx
J
(in response to your comment)
good good good. I'm glad you have someone like that. And if you ever need another someone like that - you just start talkin' to me through comments, k? ~hugs~
Thank you, thank you, thank you for doing this. I don't ever want to be *that person* who says something utterly stupid.
This post must have been tough to write, but I truly appreciate your candor.
Delurking to say I'm so sorry about Zach's fatal medical condition and that you had to make the decision you did. Your list hits the nail squarely on the head. People should always say they're sorry and never ignore the tragedy. But they should not presume to be able to solve your grief with some pat platitude, either. ("It's nature's way," "It's for the best," etc.)
I know others have mentioned A Heart Breaking Choice website before, but I wanted to second the recommendation for it. It can seem like a pain to go through the registration process when you first come upon the public site, but it's well worth it to jump through those initial hoops so you can access the private boards.
I'll be thinking of you and your husband.
It's interesting what the therapist said, my midwife advised us that naming the baby would help with the grieving process. We took her advice and I am so glad we did.
Thanks for your input on my blog - you are right, there is a difference between terminating a baby that could live - even if not happily and terminating when the child will die sooner or later. The latter seems like an obvious choice to someone (like me) who hasn't really been faced with it.
I think what you did was the most compassionate choice for you, your husband and your baby.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Well, I have never had a stillbirth (and I am so sorry you had to), but I heartily agree with your advice based on my experiences after 2 miscarriages. I just wanted people to acknowledge the pain. No advice, no anger...who would that help? Just validate the intense pain.
I agree I wanted people to acknowledge that My baby had existed without being ignorant and giving assvice about next time. My friend said it best. she told me that she was sorry but didn't have words to express what she felt for us. That is about right because I didn't have words for what happened either. So here I am, I am so sad for you that you and your husband had to go through anything like that. I am sorry that you had to make difficult decisions and I am sorry that people said ignorant things to you. It certainly doesn't make the death of your son any easier to handle.
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