Ever since I listed my “Eight Random Things,” I’ve been meaning to write a follow-up post. Specifically, I’d like to address No. 2: “I have a bit of a social anxiety disorder, though I don’t take medication or anything. I am constantly worried that a) everyone else has more friends, and definitely more close friends, than I do; b) I have said the wrong thing in a conversation with a friend/acquaintance; c) I’m the person at the party that you didn’t want to invite, but felt obliged to. I also typically get nervous before dinner parties/game nights/outings with anyone but my very closest friends. We usually have a great time, but I’m always nervous that we won’t, or that I’ll say the wrong thing. (I’m really not as much of a basket case as I sound like; I’m just being really, really honest here. And yes, I know that most of the time, it’s all in my head. I guess it all comes from having an extremely difficult junior high experience, when it WASN’T all in my head.)”
I was surprised to hear from so many commenters who said they, too, suffer from these same kinds of problems. It got me thinking: Are we all (women, at least) running around on this planet, scared to death of what other people think of us, convinced that we’re the only sad soul who feels this way? If so — man, if only we could all learn just not to care? To just shrug everything off?
As an adult, I’ve had a hard time making new friends. See, I expect certain things from a new friend — tit-for-tat, if you will. If I invite New Friend (hereafter known as NF) to dinner or some other social get-together, I will only make an effort a couple of times before expecting NF to do the same. If she doesn’t, then I automatically assume I have become the Leech. The Leech isn’t popular; she simply has a busy social calendar because she calls other people constantly. She almost never gets called herself. In my mind, in order to consider yourself a real friend, you must be sought after as much as you seek. Get it?
Because of a rough childhood experience (and, as silly as it sounds, the experience of having what I considered a good friend not ask me to be involved in her wedding at all), I have always assumed I am the Leech. Because, really, why would somebody else actually choose to spend time with me? Even if they don’t mind my company, I can’t imagine they would actually choose me over someone else. It’s not that I think poorly of myself; I just assume other people think poorly of me.
Recently, I have been shocked that a few friendly acquaintances have apparently been reaching out to M and me — reciprocating the “tat” for the “tit.” Yet I still can’t quite believe it. I will go over to their house, telling myself that they really didn’t want me there; they just felt obligated to make an effort. So I become nervous beforehand, convinced I will say the wrong thing and prove that I am not worthy to spend time with.
I look around at the rest of the world and see everyone with their “best friends.” Unconditional love. People who will never let you down. And although I have some good (out-of-town) friends, I’m not sure if I’ve ever had a “best friend.” Is that because of my personality? Or simply because I have guarded myself against getting too close for fear of being a leech and pressing too hard?
At one point, I convinced myself that once I had a baby, I would have limitless opportunities to make new best friends (can anyone say “play dates?). Yet, if I’m honest with myself, I can totally picture being incredibly jealous because Susie and her son Johnny seem to be spending a lot more time with Janie and her son Tim than they are with us. And so the cycle continues…
I feel sort of exposed, telling all of you about all the craziness that goes on inside my head. I promise, I really am a normal person most of the time; M and my mom are the only ones who get to hear about my insecurities. But I share this in hopes of helping someone out there who has the same self-doubting thoughts
10 comments:
i have a really hard time making new friends too. once i know a person, i can be really outgoing and extroverted. until then, i'm just plain old shy, and come off as aloof and possibly b!tchy. i'm glad to hear your reaching out a bit and that people are reaching back.
I, too, wonder if there are tons of people who are scared of what other people think of them and think they're the only ones who feel that way. I feel that way a lot of the time. I'm another one who has a hard time making new friends. I hope your new acquaintances turn into good friends.
Ann,
I feel so stupid while writing this. I bawled my eyes out when a friend picked another friend to call while rushing to the hospital. She was in labor. I learnt from the friend (not the mom to be) about the birth the next morning. How I cried in the shower.
It felt bad then. I can laugh about it now.
gg
I don't think you're alone in this at all. Like Megan, I'm a shy person by nature, and prefer to be in smaller groups than big crowds. It's hard for me to make and keep good friends.
You are definitely not alone. I'm like Megan, I think, probably perceived as aloof or bitchy, but actually quite nice! I suck at making friends, though and am having the same tit for tat struggles as I try to reconnect with friends in SF after being away (and doing a crap job of keeping in touch) for several years.
Thanks for posting something that so many of us are feeling!
Oh, I don't know about the legality of transferring 6 embryos, but I definitely know the possibility of it actually happening - ZERO. Jerk.
I wouldn't be surprised if many of us bloggers are very similar to you- introverted and shy with new people. I know I am. Being able to take the time to digest and then write out our thoughts is probably easier than in person.
I have no doubt my husband and I are together today because we met on match.com and both of us find it easier to communicate in writing.
You're so not alone in this. I rethink conversations I have all the time, wondering if it sounded stupid, hoping they're not telling someone else it was. I also get jealous of my friends hanging out with their other friends, cuz even though I didn't wanna do x event, I'm bothered that they chose someone else and didn't even ask me. I think there's insecurity in all of us that we never really grow out of - I blame it on the horrible teenage years which showed us just how awful people can be. Thanks for putting this out there - it's very brave of you.
I so relate. Junior high was a b*tch and I still have residual ticks from that experience.
It is also very difficult for me to make new friends, because I am imposing. And since I either have very good friends or acquintances - nothing in between - I have a difficult time just being social.
Hey there - I had to mention a segment I saw on the Today Show this morning. It was all about how once people become part of a couple it gets hard to make new friends. It said that 75% of couples wish they had more friends! So we are definitely not alone. I think you can get a clip of the story on the show's website, but like all their stories, there wasn't much substance there. I just thought that 75% stat was interesting.
Have a great day!
Erin
Ann, it is eery how exactly your blog on social anxiety (and even PCOS and infertility) mirrors my own feelings and experiences with friends and social situations. Even the hope that a baby would connect us with more friends and social connections. I always feel left out of the social group of mothers in my neighborhood and have thought that if I only was a mother too, I would be "let in" that group. I know it is a cliche, but it is nice to know that other people feel the same way and that I am not alone.
Post a Comment