The good news: I think I know why I’ve had problems getting my period. I definitely know why I’ve had cramping on my left side for the past week.
The bad news: I have two ovarian cysts. They’re both about 3 cm, which Dr. Hot says isn’t too incredibly big. I have to take a month off before we can even think about doing another cycle. I know many of you have had cysts, and I’d be interested in hearing about your experiences.
More bad news: Dr. Hot says the cysts, which have been bleeding into themselves, probably developed because of ovulation. I’m not sure if they’re follicular or corpus luteal. The problem? The last time I ovulated (Clomid-induced) was at the beginning of April. Which means I’ve already had more than a cycle to recover, yet the cysts are still a problem. I could kick myself, because I forgot to mention at my appointment that the only other time I ovulated on Clomid, I ended up in the ER after a corpus luteal cyst ruptured.
In other words, my body has to throw a hissy fit every time it ovulates. Or at least, every time it ovulates with the help of an ovulation induction drug. The solution, it would seem, would be to ovulate on my own. Except, of course, that I can’t. So here I sit--waiting, waiting, waiting.
Sharah’s post about trying to find balance really hit home with me. I’ve been focusing on the endgame, and in the process, glossing over other parts of my life. I’ve stopped scrapbooking temporarily. Why? Because I’ve scrapbooked with my SIL and a few members of the Mommy Club recently, and now my hobby is inextricably linked to those unpleasant memories. All I can think about is what I’m not scrapbooking—pictures of my child. I told myself I would start scrapbooking again when I got pregnant.
So many things in my life have hinged on getting pregnant. I think to myself that I’ll be able to handle a July family reunion more easily because “I might secretly be pregnant by then.” Now there’s not a chance of that happening. My 30th birthday is in October. I’ve told myself it will be a much happier occasion if I’m pregnant by then. I told M we wouldn’t put any money into a Roth IRA until I’m in the second trimester of a pregnancy, because I want our savings to be accessible for possible fertility treatments.
I just can’t do it anymore. Yesterday, after an emotional afternoon at work, I went for a walk at home. It had been a gloomy day, but the sun was back to shining gloriously. I suddenly felt this tremendous peace, and tears filled my eyes. God is going to work it out, somehow. I have to hold on to that peace, and not dismiss it because I prefer to be miserable. I have to live my life with infertility in the background, not the foreground.
I’m going to try to make time to scrapbook sometime this week.
13 comments:
Good for you for taking back control from IF. I'm sorry about all the bad news, but I'm glad you're motivated to return to scrapbooking. Enjoy!
Ugh. I am sorry about the cysts. And I know what you mean about putting your life on hold. I have done the same thing off and on for the last 2 1/2 years...
I am sorry for the upsetting news. It will take awhile for you to work it through...everytime we get kicked down we have to find a way to stand back up again. I like what you said about living with this in the background. Take time to do something good for yourself and have hope. :)
I'm sorry about the cysts. That is really frustrating.
Amen on the "things in life hinging on getting pregnant" I have so many similar thoughts and 'deadlines'. Sometimes I think "If I don't get pregnant by such and such a date I don't know what I will do". Then that date comes and goes. It really, really sucks.
I'm glad you found some inner peace.
I'm sorry about the cysts.
I understand about not putting life on hold forever. The harshest words I've had spoken to me was the alternative to accept childlessness. But yet, as I mull over it, it makes things easier.
Either I will have a child, or I will not, and that I accept. Without in any way having given up!
I also sorry about the cysts. I know how much you want to move forward, so it's disheartening to be kicked back like this. I'm glad you are taking some steps to do some other things. It is really hard to find the right balance.
Also, I just wanted to thank you for your comment regard my SIL's husband: I think you hit the nail on the head when you said he was thinking about things as a science experiment!
I have been exactly where you were yesterday, and you are on the right path in finding ways to keep infertility from dominating your life. It's easier said than done some days, but recognizing when it is getting the upper hand as you have is the first step in not letting infertility own you.
I just had a conversation with my best friend about "the waiting game" myself. Her husband has a malignant brain tumor, I am struggling with IF. We're both mourning the loss of feeling certainty in our futures. It's good that you have found some peace with yours...
You've got it right. Don't forget how that peace feels. It can be hard to remember at times, especially through infertility, but it helps keep hope alive and kicking.
Sorry to hear about the cysts, too. Mine were more out of control as a teenager, so I don't know what you're going through firsthand, but I hope that they only pose as a temporary obstacle.
Ann- I hope that "somehow" comes soon for you. I'm really sorry about the cyst, but I don't have much to offer you in advice. Did your dr. mention BCPs? I hope they clear up quickly and you are able to mive forward.
That feeling of being able to make it is so good, isn't it? I'm happy to hear that you're feeling better about not putting life on hold anymore -- it just gets to the point when you can't anymore!
No advice on the cysts, but I hope they resolve soon (with no ER visit).
I am so sorry about the cysts. Holding your hand.
About taking infertility out of the forefront, go you. I totally understand where you are coming from in this. And I wish there was a straight forward answer in how to accomplish it.
But, scrapbooking might be a step in the right direction.
I am cheering for you - that you are able to hold on to that peace.
Wow - you're the only other person I've ever found that went to the ER with a ruptured corpus luteal (or 2) cysts. I didn't know what was going on. I don't have PCOS but my 2nd month on 100 mg Clomid had me freaking that my appendix was going to burst! Then I found out what it was on ultrasound! Yowza! Glad I'm not crazy.
Post a Comment