The grass isn't greener here, either

First of all, thank you for all of your well wishes! I'm loving this Commentathon--even though I'm not actually participating myself (hangs her head in shame).

Two years ago, when I was searching for a job in my newly-chosen field of public relations, I went through periods of anxiety and periods of peace. The anxiety came when I interviewed (or prepared to interview) for a job I really, really wanted. It continued as I waited for The Call post-interview and eventually waned when I accepted the fact that they were never going to call me for a second interview or job offer. The peace came when I didn’t have any interviews on the horizon. I could blissfully concentrate on my free-lancing career and not jump every time the phone rang.

The same is true of infertility. I was doing perfectly fine (except for my bronchitis, of course) this past weekend—until I discovered my period was beginning. Then, I worried myself to death that my cysts would still be around and I’d have to sit out yet another cycle.

Digression: I like to compare my cycles to the game Mousetrap. For those who don’t remember the game, you had to set up this elaborate Rube-Goldberg-like contraption so a marble could travel through all the stages and eventually cause a trap to fall on a mouse. My brother and I, however, were perpetually losing or breaking a piece. Break one piece, and the mousetrap is useless. That’s just like the menstrual cycle: When one thing is wrong, it throws the whole cycle off-kilter. In my case, my cysts were delaying the onset of menstruation. So, logic would dictate that because I menstruated, my problems were gone. The missing piece was restored, and the chain reaction could continue. But I wasn’t sure, and the uncertainty caused me much anxiety.

Now, I am half-dreading next Friday. That’s when I’ll find out if my follicles are, indeed, responding to the Femara. This is it. If they aren’t responding, it’s likely I will be moving on to IVF by the fall. (My doc thinks, and I tend to agree, that injectables without IVF may be more hassle than they’re worth for a PCOS patient, simply because of the high possibility of cancellation. I don’t mean to offend any of you who are on injectables; I’m just not sure it’s for me.) I’ve got my “interview” set up, and I HAVE TO make a good impression. Then, if by some miracle all goes well, I have yet another two weeks to wait until I find out if I got the job. (The nine-month kind.)

M summed it all up the other day when he asked me, “Can’t you just live in the moment?”

No, unfortunately, I can’t. I told him this is nothing compared to what I’ll be like during the first trimester if I ever actually get pregnant (evil grin).