I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes.
I just don't know what to do. I have been breastfeeding for six weeks, and trying so, so hard to give my son what he needs. I use a supplemental feeding system. I work hard during the feeding to try to keep Tyler interested. I pump after every feeding. I take Fenugreek three times a day. I take goat's rue (an herb) four times a day (and that's not an easy one to take, because I can't drink anything for 20 minutes before and 20 minutes after taking it).
Yet why do I feel like it's just not worth it?
According to the pedi's scale, Tyler gained 7 ounces in 7 days. Great, right? Except two days later, I weighed him on the lactation support group scale, and he only weighed 3 1/2 ounces more than he had the week before on the same scale. WTF? How can that be?
Yet it's not even the weight, specifically. It's the worry. Every week, I wonder if he's getting enough. Half of his feedings, he doesn't seem terribly interested, and I end the feeding wondering if he's getting enough. I look at him and wonder if he's too small.
I'm so sick of worrying.
I saw my OB for my 6-week appt. last Friday. Even she told me that the greatest benefits of breastfeeding are to be had within the first month. Yet I get the distinct impression that the pedi doesn't want me to give up.
I'm trying so hard, and yet I still cry every other day.
It's like losing your virginity. You can always make the choice to lose it, but once you've lost it you can never go back.
I have invested so much in this breastfeeding gig. How can I just give up?
But it is such a relief when we give Tyler a bottle, because I know exactly how much he's getting.
I don't want the world to judge me because I'm not breastfeeding my son.
(Can you tell I'm going crazy here?)
12 comments:
my son was in the nicu for the first week and due to that never latched on. i really wanted him to have the benefits of breastmilk....so, i pumped 6-8 times a day and bottle fed him the pumped breastmilk. is this an option? he is now 3 months, and i feel as though i did my fair part in giving him what he needed. we are now making the transition to formula. hope this helps!
My son was against breastfeeding, he wouldn't latch, screamed and arched when I tried to get him to. I ended up pumping for 9 months so he still go the breastmilk (plus for us it was cheaper to buy a pump then formula in the long run). That is what worked for me.
You need to find what works for you. Tyler needs you to be happy and focused. You can always try just the pumping and giving him expressed breastmilk to see how that goes. That way you know how much he is intaking AND if you decide you want to go back to trying to nurse, you can.
I think it might give you more data to help you make your decision. Good luck.
I don't want to say the wrong thing, because I haven't been in your situation. I suspect the guilt trip is coming more from you than from the pediatrician, but that doesn't make it go away. So, I'm sorry, Ann. You are doing your best, and Tyler loves you.
I felt terribly guilty and judged when the BF went wrong, and the so-called experts couldn't help me. Most of the guilt came from myself- and from reading blogs/message boards of women who had it easy. Since my problem was pain, and pumping hurt just as much, I chose to dry up my milk. I can't say that I don't feel sad still that it didn't work for me, because I am a huge BF supporter and wanted to do it so very much. I can say that stopping was absolutely the right decision, though. And our son is thriving on formula, already crawling at 6 months.
Babies need happy, unworried mommies too.
You still have the option of pumping what you can get and mixing it with formula. I know several folks who have done so. Breastfeeding doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. You can still reap the benefits of all your hard work.
Your not crazy, and don't feel bad no matter what you feed your son, be it bottle or breast. You are doing the best you can and a happy momma is a good momma. And if you do decide to give him the boob now and then, remember that stress makes it worse. Its a metal thing.
At 3 weeks, my OB finally said to me, "You are his mother, not a milk machine. He needs his mother." Try to remember that there is more to your relationship than just breastfeeding. Even 2 ounces day of breastmilk conveys significant immunological benefits. You can combine formula and breastmilk. We bf'ed until about 4 o'clock each day when my supply dropped and his appetite skyrocketed. It worked for us. Do what works for you. He will be fine if you are fine. There is no right way to get through this.
I agree with Elizabeth! I will tell you, I cried SO MUCH over breastfeeding my twins. I almost quit so many times. I am just about dried up and have been supplementing since they started daycare at 3 months. It was a LONG 3 months, mainly of worry. were they getting enough? Everytime they'd cry someone would say they were hungry and I could never say "well, they had 5 oz so they shouldn't be"...instead id change the subject because honestly I had no CLUE! A HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders going back to work...I pumped, and they took bottles most of the time...it was a relief knowing how much they were getting...Even bottle feeding has its stresses. If I had to go back, I would probably give a bottle of formula a day, I really dont think I was producing enough. The guilt killed me every time i tried quitting. It ate me up inside and Id randomly burst into tears until I 'un-quit'.
I wish this wasnt such a torturous decision but I was there...and it sucks...I know exactly how you feel...to make myself feel better i kept thinking of my nieces and nephews who are all perfect and were all formula fed :)
Well hello! I guess the invite only thing doesn't show up on bloglines! I was wondering what had become of you.
Excellent points by the other commenters. Your boy needs a happy, healthy mom. Period. Whatever that takes. I took two years to get over my own bad PCOS breastfeeding experience, and then when I had Buddy the whole associated renal failure problem I had meant that I never made a drop of milk. He's been formula fed from day 1 and he's a healthy little beast. You need to enjoy your baby, guild free.
Why not set a time period, say 1 week, in which to pump and bottle feed exclusively, and then reevaluate?
You sound like you have been doing all you can--sometimes it just doesn't work out. I have always thought breastfeeding over rated. I have breastfed both my kids, but I haven't worried too much when we have supplemented with formula. With my son, I BFd him until he was about 1 year. He was totally breastfed until about 4 months--and then I went back to work and did not have a place to pump or anything. So, he got formula during the day and breast at night. With my daughter, I just thought it worked so well with my son--and that is what we do. I breastfeed her at night, but otherwise, formula. And, she is a fine, happy, healthy 7 month old.
Really, what ever breast milk you have given is a plus, and what ever you can give is extra plus, but is not NECESSARY to give you a healthy child.
You gotta do what works for you. Clearly this is not working for you. I was lucky, I could feed 2 kids on my milk. But some are not so lucky, and that is what formula is for! Formula is ok, really it is! You will be a better mother if you stop th breastfeeding. You need t be a happy mom for him. It is ok to stop.
Ann, I wish I had some wise advice... The only thing I can say is the first weeks are so so hard with the constant worry of "am I getting it all right". The regime of feeding, pumping, remedies, etc. can be so tiring. (on top of being just plain tired from the lack of sleep.)
I'm sorry that you feel that you pedi is pushing you. You have to do what you feel is right. I know you will do right by Tyler.
I went through the same thing with my daughter, but not until she was four months old. Nurse, pump, cry, nurse, pump, cry, etc. I worried so much and she didn't gain hardly any weight. I did keep nursing until she was 6 months old, supplementing with formula for those two months. But it still wasn't easy. You could try just pumping and giving him the expressed milk without nursing. Then you will know how much he's getting, and you can add formula to it if you need. Hope that helps.
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