It's amazing how much you can forget in four years.
For example, I completely forgot about the fact that after you get a positive pregnancy test (and good betas), it's another waiting game. Of course it's a waiting game--I mean, isn't that the whole point of pregnancy? I don't know whether I was expecting fireworks or something, but I'm finding myself incredibly, incredibly impatient. Four years ago, I was mired in grief over Zach when I first got pregnant with Tyler, so I was perfectly fine with pretending I wasn't pregnant. This time, I am literally counting the days until our heartbeat ultrasound (it's 13 now).
Yes, part of it is wanting to make sure the baby is OK. But another part of it is wanting to tell the world.
Well, most of the world. My friend just confided in me in an e-mail last night that she has been trying since September, and is getting frustrated. She wants to talk to me because I, presumably, am still in the trenches, just like her. When we get together next week, I'm going to have to be very careful with what I say. It is certainly not the right time to tell her I'm pregnant, but I don't want to outright lie, either.
Then there's this other, nagging little thing: Besides lots of "stretching" feelings in my uterus (when Tyler pounces on me, I have to gasp), I haven't had any symptoms. No nausea, no exhaustion. I feel perfectly, absolutely fine. One part of me knows that every pregnancy is different, but the negative part of me says, "If you aren't tired by now, does this mean there's something wrong with the baby?"
Gotta love the old crazy coming back...
4 comments:
I am so excited for you. And my pregnancy with J feels to recent to me, but I do wonder how much I'll find I've forgotten when I finally get pregnant again. Hoping you get a clear heartbeat!
I know the feeling of wanting the reassurance. The trouble is that with each milestone you reach, there is always another one to anticipate. Regardless of how we feel, the time will pass. Hang in there.
As for the lack of symptoms- for me, with both of my pregnancies, I didn't start having symptoms until around the 7 week mark. Just keep listening to the part of you that's saying, "Every pregnancy is different."
With my current pregnancy, the first few weeks were scary- I had some spotting and very low progesterone. So there were tense ultrasounds to determine if I was actually pregnancy (and not a chemical or blighted ovum or something), that the embryo was viable, etc.
Thankfully I was put on Prometrium and things have progressed well. But it was hard and scary. My midwife actually said, "I hope you don't feel like there is a cloud hanging over your pregnancy."
She was right- that's what I was feeling, like I couldn't relax and enjoy. I was nervous and reserved with my feelings. Because of that, we waited until well past the end of the first trimester to share the news outside our immediate families.
Time passed and the worst fears passed/lessened. I try not to beat myself up that I didn't feel happy enough or optimistic enough or whatever. What happens will happen. Our feelings aren't rational and we don't need to apologize for them.
You are entitled to feel what you will feel. Don't scold yourself for it. Do your best to be positive, but don't deny your fear or apprehension. It's all part of the process.
I'm praying you reach each milestone of this pregnancy with ease, and that each brings more reassurance and peace than the last.
Praying peace for you during this wait for for the entire pregnancy. (((HUGS))) to you my friend!!!!
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking and praying for you with your upcoming appointment!! ((HUGS))
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