Bridging the gap between infertiles

**UPDATE BELOW**

I just sent this e-mail to my friend J (the one who is experiencing secondary infertility) and thought it might be an interesting post about the relationships between primary and secondary infertiles. Some background information: J and her husband conceived S in their second month of trying. They've been trying for a second for more than a year and a half. J told me yesterday that her friend had just had a baby, and it was hard on her. Her friend had an easy conception, pregnancy and delivery. I reminded her that it was easy for her to conceive S, too. Here is the letter:

I was thinking about yesterday's conversation (at least, I think it was yesterday--I'm getting my days confused), and I'd like to apologize for something I said. I didn't mean to be, but I think I was insensitive. You mentioned that your friend just had her baby and it was difficult for you to see the baby pictures, knowing that she had such an easy time conceiving and delivering. In a way, I sort of brushed your feelings aside, telling you that you had had a relatively easy time with S, too. I shouldn't have said that.

With regards to S's conception: That was then; this is now. All that matters is now. It hurts you (just like it hurts me) to see newborns and wonder when it will be your turn. Logic doesn't play into how we feel. A single woman who wants a baby can say to me, "Well, at least you have a husband. I don't even have that." OK, but that doesn't get me any closer to my goal of being a mom. Your friend may have problems conceiving in the future, too, but for now, all you have to go on is that she has a newborn baby, and you don't. So you're hurting. And I, more than many other people, should be sensitive to that. Instead, I tried to give you what I thought was a pep talk that would make you feel better, not realizing until later that, actually, my "pep talk" was more like a "you shouldn't be sad and this is why" talk. That was totally inappropriate.

I have relied on you over the past year as one of my main sources of support. It makes me sad that either of us has to experience infertility, but I'm glad we're at least going through it together.

I'm not proud of admitting that it is often difficult for me to relate to women suffering from infertility who already have at least one child. I feel like my outlook is so different from theirs: I am longing just to be a mother, and they have already achieved that goal. I sometimes think that they can't possibly be suffering as much as me, because they're already part of the "Mommy Club." What I must remember is that everyone has a dream. When that dream gets delayed, or disrupted, or even canceled, it's heartbreaking. Everyone faces his or her own challenges, and none of us have the right to judge how difficult those challenges are.

**UPDATE**
My friend wrote me back and said she hadn't been offended at all; her husband says the same thing to her all the time. Which would kind of annoy me after awhile, but whatever...

"This title is six words long" (thanks, Weird Al!)

Our Mother’s Day celebration was OK. Not great, not terrible—just OK. I was really tired for much of it, not because of lack of sleep, but because I just seem to be tired a lot these days. I’m sure it has to do with emotional instability. Some weekend nights, I sleep for almost 12 hours—just because I can.

My in-laws are very sweet. When I first got to their house, my FIL greeted me with an enthusiastic “Happy Mother’s Day!” When I hesitated (because I honestly didn’t know what to say), he quickly said that I have a mother, so it’s a happy mother’s day. Then, later, when I wished my SIL a happy mother’s day after saying goodbye to her, she instinctively said, “Happy Mo—Happy Aunt’s Day!” I appreciate their sensitivity. Of course, my SIL still spent much of her time in talk of the Mommy Club variety, but that’s to be expected; it is, after all, her life.

* * *

My friend J saw an OB last week who supposedly specializes in infertility. She and her husband have been TTC #2 for almost a year and a half. She ovulates normally, and had no problems with #1. I have many jumbled thoughts about my two conversations with her over the last week.
1. You’re going to think I’m an awful person, but…I’m rooting for her, yet I’m sort of not. I want her to get pregnant again, but not before I do. In my own twisted view of the universe, I should be able to get pregnant with my first before she is pregnant with her second. It’s ugly, but it’s true. I want her empathy as I’m going through my treatments, not her sympathy.
2. That said, I’m a walking contradiction. I still want her to get the best treatment possible. She seems to like her OB a lot, but the guy didn’t run any bloodwork! He just asked a bunch of questions about whether any of her or her husband’s lifestyles have changed since the first baby, and said there shouldn’t be any problems. He prescribed her three months of 50mg Clomid, to start on the 6ixth day of the cycle (written that way so she can’t find me on a Google search), but that was just to pacify her, I think. His biggest piece of advice? “Just relax.” He also had her go in for an ultrasound over the weekend. I’m no doctor, but isn’t it possible that some of her hormone levels could have gotten all wacky after her first pregnancy? Isn’t it his responsibility to check those levels (or at least do an SA on her husband!) before prescribing Clomid for the summer?
3. When she first told me about her visit, it was all I could do not to fire a whole bunch of questions her way. I had to remind myself that this is her life, her treatment, and her doctor. I’m not a doctor, even though I have my Google MD proudly hanging in a frame on my wall. I was happy, however, that she called me over the weekend with a few more questions. She had been consulting Dr. Google herself, and discovered that most docs don’t prescribe Clomid without running some tests first. She also found out it’s unorthodox to prescribe it on day 6ix. So, at least she’s more informed as she goes forward.

I really don’t want to be one of those friends who tries to dictate someone else’s infertility treatments. So for now, I’m keeping my mouth shut until she asks me more questions.