**UPDATE BELOW**
I just sent this e-mail to my friend J (the one who is experiencing secondary infertility) and thought it might be an interesting post about the relationships between primary and secondary infertiles. Some background information: J and her husband conceived S in their second month of trying. They've been trying for a second for more than a year and a half. J told me yesterday that her friend had just had a baby, and it was hard on her. Her friend had an easy conception, pregnancy and delivery. I reminded her that it was easy for her to conceive S, too. Here is the letter:
I was thinking about yesterday's conversation (at least, I think it was yesterday--I'm getting my days confused), and I'd like to apologize for something I said. I didn't mean to be, but I think I was insensitive. You mentioned that your friend just had her baby and it was difficult for you to see the baby pictures, knowing that she had such an easy time conceiving and delivering. In a way, I sort of brushed your feelings aside, telling you that you had had a relatively easy time with S, too. I shouldn't have said that.
With regards to S's conception: That was then; this is now. All that matters is now. It hurts you (just like it hurts me) to see newborns and wonder when it will be your turn. Logic doesn't play into how we feel. A single woman who wants a baby can say to me, "Well, at least you have a husband. I don't even have that." OK, but that doesn't get me any closer to my goal of being a mom. Your friend may have problems conceiving in the future, too, but for now, all you have to go on is that she has a newborn baby, and you don't. So you're hurting. And I, more than many other people, should be sensitive to that. Instead, I tried to give you what I thought was a pep talk that would make you feel better, not realizing until later that, actually, my "pep talk" was more like a "you shouldn't be sad and this is why" talk. That was totally inappropriate.
I have relied on you over the past year as one of my main sources of support. It makes me sad that either of us has to experience infertility, but I'm glad we're at least going through it together.
I'm not proud of admitting that it is often difficult for me to relate to women suffering from infertility who already have at least one child. I feel like my outlook is so different from theirs: I am longing just to be a mother, and they have already achieved that goal. I sometimes think that they can't possibly be suffering as much as me, because they're already part of the "Mommy Club." What I must remember is that everyone has a dream. When that dream gets delayed, or disrupted, or even canceled, it's heartbreaking. Everyone faces his or her own challenges, and none of us have the right to judge how difficult those challenges are.
**UPDATE**
My friend wrote me back and said she hadn't been offended at all; her husband says the same thing to her all the time. Which would kind of annoy me after awhile, but whatever...
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18 comments:
What a lovely apology. It seems to me that people seldom apologize for anything anymore, they usually just 'let things pass'. How nice of you to actually send such a heartfelt note. I'd say J is lucky to have you as a friend.
I completely agree with Bean. That was just beautiful. As a non-infertile with one child and a whole different set of challenges, I am often hesitant to speak in the infertility world for fear of arousing this sort of feeling. I think it's wonderful that you have such a wonderful sense of perspective on the whole thing.
What a beautiful letter. It sounds like you have a great friendship.
Wow! I'm really impressed with your email. You're an amazing friend.. your friend is lucky to have you.
The primary/secondary IF comparison is such a hard one. When I first started researching IF and reading blogs I found myself wondering what was so "hard" about secondary IF- after all, at least there was one child. But then I read more and more about these mothers' pain and I my pespective changed drastically. My hurts for the women who are experiencing secondary IF as well as women like us.
I know your friend will aprreciate your thoughfulness and sensitivity.
It takes a big person to apologize - and you did it very well. We infertiles need to stick together and offer each other support. Wishing you the best!
Too right. It's not easy on anybody, no matter how many children you already have.
Good on your for the letter, it takes character to do that!
Well said! I've had to remind myself on a regular basis that there's nothing to be gained by comparing who has more reason to claim pain or suffering than another. In the end, it's all suffering.
You were very thoughtful to send your email of apology to your friend. Like Bean said, it can be tempted just to brush these things off, and I'm sure your friend appreciated getting that note. I know if I were in her situation, I would.
That was a great email to send. We all are going through so much infertility stress in so many different ways! I am amazed when I read all the posts and find out what others are going through. But, you're right...pain is pain...no matter how it is felt.
I think what you said sums it up perfectly. Having been a primary infertile and now part of that "Mommy Club", I can tell you (from my experience) it's MUCH harder/worse/difficult to suffer on the first attempts to parent than the second. Not underestimating the heartache...but it's just one of those things...When I was worried about conceiving #2 and going through the hurt and disappoinment all over again, at least I had my son to distract me and help me get through those rotten days. It's hard to compare, when you have dreams and expectations, so good for you to be such a great friend. She's very lucky. Honestly though, your last few sentences are so, so true. Infertility SUCKS no matter when it affects us. Bottomline I guess :)
You really are a good friend to recognize that you should apologize, and then carry through with the apology. It is easy to be so wrapped up in your own pain that you have a hard time empathizing with someone else's pain that doesn't seem like it is "as bad" as your own (at least this is my experience). I have also noticed in myself that it is more difficult for me to empathize with secondary infertility than it is for me to empathize with those going through primary infertility. I have been trying to empathize more. I know it is not fair to dismiss someone else's pain.
Thank you for your honest post. I know it must have been difficult to share with the world.
What a lovely letter to send. I'm sure your friend will appreciate it very much.
I too have a little trouble identifying with those who have a child already. I think I may have made a similar remark and also gone on to regret it. I hope I would have had the grace to apologise as you did.
I think you did a really awesome thing putting yourself in her shoes and apologizing.
I know I myself have been guilty of thinking "Hmph- at least she already has a child". Kudos to you for admitting your fault!
You are gracious and large hearted to have admitted your feelings and then apologizing. I also never "got" secondary IF few years ago. Now after reading some blogs, I understand better.
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Your a good friend Ann. Its amazing how IF makes us analyze under a microscope just how we react in conversations about children/pregnancy . And I'm glad that your friend didn't get her feelings unintentionally hurt.
What a great note to your friend. You're a wonderful person, and she is a lucky friend. :)
Being someone who suffers from secondary infertility, I love you for your response. :o) My SIL (the one that is supposed to be good, can you believe I have 2 SIL with PCOS...neither one knows the other one has it because they haven't talked in 4 years!) told me the other day that I am lucky I have one...and I wanted to scream because I hurt just as much as she does. But alas, I kept my hurt feelings to myself.
You are a good person, and I can't wait to read more!
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