My good friend K has had a hard life so far. Part of it has been her own doing, part of it has been because of her struggle with depression, part of it has been being part of a sorta-dysfunctional family, and part of it has been simply circumstance. Though she went to a top college, she was a film major, and has never found (or even pursued very diligently) a job in her field. Instead, she is 29 and has worked at one of a couple of mall stores for most of her post-college life. She lives with her mom, who is about to lose their house because of money problems. She would like to live on her own, but can’t afford it. Her parents recently got divorced, and her dad lost his job several months ago. She has had two serious relationships, both of which ended badly. She still keeps messages from her ex-boyfriends on her cell phone because she can’t bear to delete them. She has struggled with weight. She is constantly feeling bad about herself because she has never measured up to what she or other people hoped she would become. I consider her to be a beautiful woman with a natural gift for making others feel good about themselves and a genuinely kind heart, but she has a hard time believing that.
When I look at myself through K’s eyes (which isn’t hard to do, because she is constantly tossing warm fuzzies my way), I see a woman who has just about everything—a supportive, stable family; a modest but comfortable house; a loving husband; a good job in my field; a strong faith in God; the motivation to get things done when they need to be done and enough money in the bank to cover us when shit happens.
K doesn’t wish me any ill, and she doesn’t resent me for how my life has turned out. I’m not being arrogant when I say that I think K wishes she could be a little more like me (she’s told me as much). Consequently, she’s often the first person I call when I’m feeling down, because I feel like I need to prove to her that my life is not all sunshine and roses.
If I were K (and to clarify, she would never say this; she’s too good of a friend), I would say that it’s about time I had to deal with some real heartache.
This is all a long way of saying that I fear we haven’t suffered nearly enough in our quest for a baby. That getting a BFP next week is just too much to ask for. Pregnancy on our first cycle of Femara (albeit after three excruciating cycles of Clomid)? Come on, are you joking?
I have had what I consider to be dark spots in my life: When I was flatly rejected by the sorority that had accepted all my friends (I thought it confirmed I was an unlovable person who would have a miserable social life in college). When the man whom I thought I was going to marry broke up with me the fall after I graduated from college (I had no idea how I was going to handle being a “swingin’ single” in her 20s). When I spent eight unemployed months desperately searching for a job after I married M and moved to Wisconsin.
But I’m not sure I have ever really suffered. I haven’t yet had to deal with the death of a close loved one, and I’ve never wondered how I can possibly live another day. If I were K, I would say that 15 months TTC is not enough, and that perhaps I need to feel what it’s like to wait years for what I want.
Then again, suffering is not necessarily measured in time. As I have said before, I’ve known for a long time that I would be infertile. So I guess, in a way, I’ve suffered for a decade or more. While other couples have had joyful anticipation at the beginning of TTC, we never did. It was all dread from the moment we got married.
So, have I met my suffering quota? I hope so. I’m not sure if I necessarily “deserve” to get pregnant right now, but when has God restricted blessings to those who deserve it? Aren’t we all undeserving in the end?
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9 comments:
This is a really hard one, cuz I go through it all the time too - the "havent we gone through this long enough", or "haven't I had enough other heartaches that I've paid my dues", or even "don't we f*g deserve this yet?". Yet when I compare to other people, I think, well, it hasn't been that bad yet, but I don't want to compare to other people, I want to compare to where I am mentally now vs where I used to be. And I think you can take that too - that it's not about the length of time you've suffered, or even what you've suffered, it's how much it's changing you in ways that aren't positive.
The thing I've taken away from this whole bumpy ride, is that it doesn't make any sense. It isn't fair at all. That's the worst thing about it. Part of me wishes there was a line somewhere that you went and stood at the end of whenever you decide you're ready to have a child. It might take a while to get to the front, but you can keep peeking to see how many people are ahead of you, and you keep taking steps closer to the front and feel confident that eventually you will arrive.
Unfortunately, we all know it doesn't work that way. People cut in line all the time and waltz away with babies while others are still stuck in the back. Other people get close to the front only to have their place taken away and get sent right back to the end of the line.
So, no, I don't think you need to suffer more. You may be stuck in line for a while yet or this may be the month. There's no way to know, but it's certainly exciting to have a protocol that works well at getting you to ovulate! I think that's great news, and I am so very hopeful for you.
The problem of suffering is a mystery, in my opinion. I do try to "learn what I'm supposed to learn" so that the suffering can end. I'm not sure I really believe God sends us suffering so we will learn a lesson, but sometimes it feels that way. I do agree that there are a lot of different kinds of suffering. It's hard not to compare our suffering against those around us. I think the best we can do is embrace our suffering and see it as an opportunity we are given that allows us to be more empathetic to those around us. My mom calls suffering a "growth opportunity." I have to say though, that sometimes you don't want to grow any more. I hope your IF suffering ends soon.
I can't think of it in terms of what I do or don't deserve.
Nobody deserves to be infertile. Nobody deserves a BFP either, it just happens, or it doesn't.
I can't attach blame to things, besides then I'd have to deck the person who wished a doomed from the start pregnancy on me!
"I would say that it’s about time I had to deal with some real heartache." After we got our diagnosis, I wondered if our lives had been "too good" and if we were finally getting our dose of heartache.
I don't think time is an appropriate measure of suffering. Our TTC journey "only" lasted 13 months (knock on wood) but we've suffered immeasurable losses during that time. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to who suffers and why. I just hope we can all find happiness in the end.
Please don't torture yourself with whether you've paid your dues. I can appreciate that some people have harder or easier lives than others but that doesn't play any role in determining who gets their turn at being pregnant.
It's not been easy, but I have accepted that life is far from predictable or fair. Some things we can control and some things we can't.
It sounds like you are having anticipatory survivor's guilt. It rains on the good, as well as the bad. I like to think that suffering is indiscriminate, and there is no being tallying up points and saying, 'oh dear, it looks like Ann is due for some world-class misery, hehehe'.
There is no rhyme or reason to suffering. It just doesn't make sense. So please don't let thoughts about this to affect your optimism. People get pregnant without trying; they are no more deserving than you. People get pregnant after many years of trying and every method concievable; they are no less deserving than you. There is no reason why this shouldn't be your month!
Everyone deserves to get pregnant if they want to, including you. Just becasue you haven't suffered as much as the next person has nothing to do with what you deserve.
I'm trying to be encouraging but I'm not sure what to say to make you feel more deserving.
((Hugs))
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