Disclaimer: If you are in a particularly bad place in IF right now, or if you are feeling somewhat resentful toward newly-pregnant IF-ers, I suggest you skip this post.
I am feeling sorry for myself right now. Let me clarify: This has nothing (directly) to do with the embryo that is supposedly growing in me right now. I feel incredibly blessed to have gotten a positive pregnancy test, and I am praying that God continues to bless me. No, my self-pity has more to do with the fact that I am useless. Yes, utterly useless—I can’t get anything done at work, nor do I have the motivation. For the most part, I couldn’t care less. And the day goes by so s-l-o-w-l-y.
It’s not that I’m thinking of baby names, or fretting over my Aug. 7 u/s (which still seems so very far away). I just don’t want to work. At all. I want to sit on my ass all day long, alternating between reading and watching TV. And at the moment, the small amount of work I have in my office is not the least bit interesting. I’m looking forward to a three-day weekend, but already dreading next Tuesday when I have to come back to work.
I’m not a lazy person—at least I didn’t think I was. I’m wondering if it’s simply the pregnancy hormones that have caused me to be completely unmotivated. And tired—not in an exhausted way, but in an I-wish-I-could-just-lay-down-and-not-do-anything way. It can’t be psychosomatic, can it?
I hope it’s the pregnancy. Because if it’s not, then I have become the biggest slacker known to man.
(I debated even writing this post, because I feared you would think I was an ungrateful bitch. But then I thought, “Hell, this is my blog. I deserve to be able to write how I’m feeling right now, even if I’m not exactly walking on air like others think I should be.” It’s a bit lonely, I’m discovering, to be experiencing a less-than-perfect life after getting the BFP. I feel like I don’t have any right to be blah.)
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19 comments:
Too funny! I think that you have earned the right to be a bit of a slacker right now. Don't worry about it, I'm sure eventually something will come along that you will want to get off the couch and do...
You are overwhelmed! That is the excuse for your new "slackerdom" I really believe that even though we expect our treatments to work, that in the back our heads that we expect them not too. So when they finally do work, and we get to that elusive spot...everything else stops while we regroup...so no, I don't find you ungrateful at all. You will eventually "fall" back to "normal"
Good luck!!!
I think it is quite normal to find it hard to settle.
It is definitely ok to feel less than perfect after a BFP. It doesn't wipe everything clean unfortunately.
As I look at you through my green colored glasses - you have EVERY RIGHT to not be totally excited every second you are pregnant. Do I wish I was in your shoes?
YES.
Do I think that since you went through IF you should be dancing around all happy when your prego hormones are making you sad/sick/sleepy? Do I think you should be joyful while you throw up each morning?!?
HELL NO.
Write whatever you want/feel/desire. We are here for you and we can't wait to see that little heartbeat! Even if we are totally green with envy.
Hell, when I was pregnant, I would have been happy to contemplate my navel whilst lying on the couch all damn day.
You're not a slacker :)
Sorry to hear you aren't feeling te way you had hoped to be. I hope it's just the pregnancy and that once you feel more comfortable in your situation you will be able to enjoy it more.
... to answer your question on my blog, I have to say, I don't exactly know what a new diagnosis means. Hopefully we'll learn what it means in the consult next week. I believe the path would still have been clomid, iui, ivf etc. but the medications would never have actually dealt with the underlying situation. What I know for sure is that my protocol should have added metformin, something I've never taken. Under the proper monitoring, Metformin or ovarian drilling would have afforded me the opportunity to ovulate on my own; something I've never done before. Who knows, if I had ovulated on my own, maybe we could have avoided this whole nightmare. We'll see.
ummm, lazy here in theis corner. am totally not feeling like myself. also feeling a bit weird because i'm not constantly running to the clinic, you know??!
(and i completely understand the guily thing...)
As a newly pregnant infertile.. I know exactly what you mean. Going to the mail box is an effort for me. ((HUGS)) I hope you get some more energy soon. You don't sound ungrateful.. just pregnant (it's shocking, isn't it!?)
So true!! At 14 weeks, I am STILL getting nothing done at work, nor do I want to. I do not have "Baby-On-The-Brain" too bad either - I would just rather be at home. (Perhaps it is some sort of early nesting??) Plus once you are pregnant, I feel the real waiting game begins...waiting for the next appt, the next lab test, the next ultrasound, to find out the babies sex,etc. I told my sister that time has never gone so s l o w for me. She was quick to remind me that before I know it, this baby will be coming like a freight train and there'll be nothing else to do but hold on tight!! Don't worry you are NOT a slacker...enjoy these lazy days of summer because Lord knows they may never be like this again!! Lisa
Ah ha - I just had an epiphany...I wonder if it's because nothing can really seem as important as that little bean in your belly when you are pregnant?? Motherly instinct kicking in perhaps! Lisa
I have a friend whom every one referred to as the work-aholic. She was very punctual and a tad bit anal. She told me once that something changed about day 3 into her pregnancy. She said she just wanted to stay home and eat Popsicles and watch soap operas for the first time in her life. So enjoy your three day weekend!
I'm in the same position as you -- not thinking about baby nonstop, but not productive either. I'm really tired and my stomach is slightly upset. None of these things are terrible (it's not like I'm puking nonstop or something), but they make it really hard to get anything done. I wish I could just laze around the house all day.
Deliverance from treatments? What a release! Not to mention 1st trimester exhaustion... give yourself a break.
Hopefully that helps a bit... I have totally wanted to do the stay at home thing now for about 2 weeks.
So, I COMPLETELY understand the distracted feeling. I was feeling distracted the other day for the same PG reason, and a co-worker said he thinks it might be a feeling that parents have pretty often, "...there isn't much in the world that is more important than what is going on for you now. It is really that life-changing."
So many things have diminished in importance for me that I find things that normally frustrate me are somehow just less frustrating (unless it is my spouse doing them).
Hope that helps!
In reply to your quite *reasonable* Femara q on my obesessive little blog....
I would, but they don't like to use it here (aus) much, and, besides, we've got some significant MFI issues. Femara or Clomid aside, my husband's sperm suck when it comes to the acrosome portion. :( . So, it's easier just to move on than try and fix half the problem!
It's the pregnancy. I feel like I'm half-assing work, and getting ZERO done at home. I hope it gets better! For both of us!
And infertile pregnancy is a hard road, don't try to convince yourself otherwise. It's hard to straddle the "incredibly grateful" with the "but I feel guilty complaining about anything."
For what it's worth, when I felt the inevitable guilt, it helped a little bit to look at my pomegranate string. Hang in there!
I always go through phases like that at work...especially when there's a ton going on (that seems more important that whatever I'm working on at work!). I'm sure it'll pass...and I hope that time doesn't continue to drag for you at the office!
Feelings that something may still go wrong? After trying so hard, you now have what you always wanted but it is really not there - yet?
I cannot know what you are feeling so my best guess is that there is tremendous fear of losing what you have - that you should be so happy about, family is happy about (enough to fall into their regular conversations with other non-IF pregnant women - giving advice, that's their comfort zone). But it could all go away; you can't trust anything right now, you are waiting for success.
My experience is that I had a miscarriage when all was supposed to be wonderful. I can understand the part of you just waiting, not wanting to work, just focus on your body, staying quiet and waiting, just waiting for the pregnancy to complete.
Take care of yourself. You have been through alot.
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