M and I spent a long weekend in Wisconsin Dells last weekend with my parents, brother, SIL and niece. It was a nice, relaxing time—especially because we had told my brother and SIL about the pregnancy at the beginning (my parents already knew) and didn’t have to worry about hiding it from anyone for three days.
As M and I turned out the lights on Sunday night, M called to me from his bed (yes, we were in twin beds; how very quaint): “Ann, how does it make you feel when people start giving you advice?”
In his incredibly sensitive, perceptive way, M wanted to know if I was offended when I was pummeled with well-meaning pregnancy advice (i.e., if you’re nauseous, eat crackers in the morning; take this or that pill in addition to prenatal; go shopping at this store for baby stuff). I thought for a minute, and then realized that it did bother me. But it’s not the fault of anyone who gives me “advice;” it is solely my own problem.
I believe it was Mel who said something like, “Having a child doesn’t cure infertility; it just cures childlessness.” Other bloggers have expressed similar thoughts. I never really knew what they meant until M made that observant comment. I’ve spent all this time wanting to be part of the “Mommy Club,” or even just the “Pregnancy Club.” Yet now that I’m here—at least for the time being—I want to be set apart. Call me arrogant, but I don’t consider myself one of “them.”
We were incredibly lucky that we didn’t receive any IF assvice during the time we were receiving treatments. I think the people who knew about our issues were aware they were out of their realm of knowledge, so they didn’t have anything to say; they just listened. Now, however, most of our close relatives (and a few of the health professionals I’ve told, like my dental hygienist) are in a territory they know well, and they’re thrilled to share with me intimate details of their pregnancies. I talk about some of my symptoms and they nod and give knowing smiles. Everyone’s an expert now.
Yet they’re not experts. They have no idea what it’s like to be me, fearing miscarriage at every turn. How quickly they forget how difficult it was for us to get here, and how different my reproductive organs are from other women’s. (Well, my mom hasn’t forgotten—that’s why she’s urging me to be overcautious so I don’t risk miscarriage. I can’t fault her for that.)
I don’t want to be in the “Pregnant Woman” category. I want to be in the “Pregnant After IF Woman” category, which is a very, very different group of people—people who know to just smile and say congratulations.
Worst of all, some among the small group of people we’ve chosen to tell (like the dental hygienist) think it’s OK to talk about how easy it was for them to get pregnant. It’s not. It still hurts.
I will never be one of them. I will hold my IF status like a badge of honor. Once we start sharing this news, I plan to shout from the rooftops that this baby was conceived after IF treatments.
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13 comments:
Wow, brilliantly said. I think about that a lot, that when I get there finally, I really wont' be one of them, and I kinda don't ever wanna be. I wear my bracelet proudly, and am not taking it off just cuz I get knocked up.
First of all, I love "the Dells." Brings back good childhood memories. My favorite WI destination was "tubing" on the Apple River. The rest of your post was great. I wonder if people tend to focus on their "expertise" because they felt unable to help you when you were going through treatments... well, this is probably not the case with your dental hygienist. Congratulations.
I thought this post was a little harsh (sorry!!) mainly because most people mean well and pregnancy is something universal that people can connect on. Besides, why wouldn't you want to know the best shops for girls clothes, how to deal with that awful indigestion or if it is normal to feel all those twinges(etc.)???
I think you may feel different after you pass the risk of miscarriage too and realize then that you are "one of them" now. It's almost as if infertility makes us "special" but when you think back to the hard times I am sure you would have traded places with any friend you knew who got pregnant at the snap of their fingers. Funny how our attitudes change depending on if there is a bun in the oven or not isn't it?? (i.e., back then you probably would have given your left arm to be "one of them" and now that you are pregnant you don't want to be "one of them".) I am not saying you are wrong - I just think you are still too close to the road that got you here. You may miss the attention IF gave you and the comfy cozy easy-to-schedule cover-every-base RE visits (I know I do!)!
Although your journey was far and rocky, many others go much further or are totally unable to conceive. In fact I work with someone who went through many (like 6) IVF cycles and still ended up empty handed. My "assvice" is to appreciate what you have been given and try to look forward to the future with your beautiful child and not on the rocky road to get there!! The past 15 weeks I have been pregnant make the 1.5ys of trying seem so so far away!!! Best of luck!!! Lisa
I love this post. It reminds me of a post I wrote back when I first got my BFP. I felt as though I didn't quite belong to the "Pregnancy Club", but I was no longer part of the "IF Club" either. I concluded by saying that I felt much more in tune with the IF Club but that instead, I held an alumni card rather than a membership card.
You are always a member of the IF club, even after you survive it.
As far as the a$$vice, you must have some great friends that realize the boundaries of when to speak and when to listen. I hope that in your pregnancy, you won't have to endure too much insensitivity.
Congrats again!
It's tough because most of the advice (not all, but most) is well-meaning. That doesn't mean it won't piss you off, it just means that you have to take that added step of reminding yourself that the person "means well."
You're in a weird limbo place right now, not in the pg club, but not really sipping the kool aid in the IF clubhouse either. Regardless of exactly where you are, you are pregnant. And that's all that matters right now. For that, I say YIPEEEE!
Lisa--Thanks for your honesty. I will, however, draw your attention to an important sentence I wrote: "But it’s not the fault of anyone who gives me 'advice;' it is solely my own problem." I understand that I'm being unreasonable, which is why I am restricting my thoughts to this blog, and not actually telling people what I think.
Contrary to my most recent negative posts, I really am grateful for this gift I have been given--every single day. I've tried to stay away from writing about how happy I am, however, because I know that most of my audience is still waiting for the chance to be happy over a pregnancy.
Your sentiment "I will never be one of them" is just one of the many ways that infertility changes us. I know from my own outcome there's nothing that will ever make me the innocent, sunny optimistic woman I was *before* I heard the infertility diagnosis. I am a different, changed woman and clearly, from what you're relating, so are you. There's no going back...
Ann,
Your last comment shows how sensitive you are.
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I've been feeling the same way. Now that I'm finally a part of this club I wanted to be in for so long I realize... I still don't really fit in. Like you said, I'm a member of the "pregnant after IF" club, which is SO different.
And it's weird, even people who knew we were going through treatment hell, once they found out I was pregnant, it was like they conveniently forgot about all of it and pretended like nothing ever happened. And it irritates me so bad.
"I knew when you just relaxed..." is one I got... yeah relaxed and had surgery and had needles in my stomach and had all my eggs forcibly removed and then inseminated by another needle in a petri dish.... yeah... that RELAXING sure made the difference.
Sorry, shouldn't be ranting on someone else's blog.
Ann, I loved this post of yours. Just had to tell you that. Whatever my outcome will be, I know this journey has profoundly changed me. Even if I get a beautiful BFP, I will still want to walk away, for my own sanity, every time someone mentions how easy it was...
I am very proud of you. I think that the stand you have taken is very admirable. I know that if I ever do get PG again I will also still consider myself a "Pregnant After IF Woman"!
I am right there with you! With our first pregnancy (lasted for 27 weeks) I never felt like I fit in with the other pg people even though we had only been ttc for 2 years at that point and had no losses. The fertiles of the world will never get what it is like to be pg after infertility.
All I can say is YOU GO GIRL, you are now my new role model. :)
Really though, I totally get this, and have told several people (now that we are telling) that we have been through years of "help" and "treatments". I want them to understand how AMAZING this really is for people that are IF, like you (and I).
YOU GO GIRL!!!
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