I think I’m one of those OB patients. You know—the ones who are addicted to the ultrasound, who listen to the words of their obstetrician with the same reverence as they would the words of a lover. In short, I am happiest when I am walking out of my doctor’s office after hearing reassuring words. Every day after that, I am just a little less confident.
I bullied my way in for an appointment with my OB yesterday—five days earlier than I was supposed to see her. I had had uncomfortable pressure and occasional pain in my uterus, and almost constant urination (no, it wasn’t a UTI). As soon as she came in the room, it was clear she thought I shouldn’t have been there. I don’t think she completely blamed me; she was miffed that the nurses didn’t reassure me like they should have. I commented that they were probably afraid of getting sued if they were wrong. She said I was probably right.
She told me what I wanted to hear—that the pain and discomfort was my uterus stretching, and I should only be concerned if I start bleeding and/or experiencing major cramping. She was nice enough to let me hear the baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler, which brought tears to my eyes.
I love my OB. She’s kind and patient with me.
The problem is everyone else. I think the other people in my life who know about the pregnancy are rather surprised to find out how paranoid I am about miscarriage. Depending on how close they are to me, they may or may not tell me so. Even the nurse told me it’s going to “a long 40 weeks” if I don’t relax.
Take my mom, for instance. (For clarification, my mom is my best friend and understands me better than most people, but she can drive me crazy sometimes.) Mom asked me yesterday why I’m almost paralyzed with fear about miscarriage, when other people usually just glide through their first trimester. I tried to explain how when you want something so bad for so long, your biggest fear is losing it. She said she understood. But I’m not sure she really does.
I’m not sure if I even really understand my paranoia. I try to tell people it’s because a) I’m at higher risk for miscarriage because of PCOS and b) my doc found a small blood clot under my placenta a couple of weeks ago. But I think those are just excuses I use to try to justify my feelings. I know something bad could happen, and I choose to focus on that fact rather than lift up my hands and accept that it’s out of my control.
I’m embarrassed about how I’m acting. I really wish I could just go with the flow and enjoy myself. I’m afraid that even once I reach the second trimester, I’ll be stressing about every little change in my body.
Is this miscarriage paranoia just reserved for IF veterans, or does it include other women, as well?
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9 comments:
I've been feeling just as paranoid- every twinge and tug in my uterus sends me to the bathroom to check for blood. I don't remember any of my non-IF friends obsessing like this. They, of course, haven't already spent years grieving a loss with every passing month. And they don't live with the fear that if this doesn't work out, it may be years or never before it happens again.
This blog entry could have been written by me. I feel EXACTLY the same way. It's completely normal and you shouldn't feel at all embarassed by the way you feel. It's just not possible for people to get it unless they have been through infertility treatments, or in my case, early miscarriages and threatened second trimester pregnancy loss.
I will offer you the hope that it does get easier. At least, it did for me. I'm never going to be one of those people that gets two lines on a home test and immediately paints the nursery and tells everyone they've ever met that they're having a baby, but the further in a pregnancy I get, the better I feel about it. I never forget that things could still go wrong, but you see the days ticking by and take comfort in the fact that at least you've gotten this far without anything catastrophic happening.
Good luck, and I hope this was somewhat helpful!
I was totally a complete wreck that something would go terribly wrong when I was pregnant.
Mind you, the early scans that people kept using to reassure me were slowly sliding off dates and I *knew* that there had to be a reason. I just wasn't prepared for the reality that things *were* wrong.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that whilst is is so common to worry like crap after IF, it doesn't make it any easier if things do go bad.
Good luck.
I've never been pregnant but I know I'm going to be a basketcase if I ever get there. Don't feel guilty. Like you said, you have wanted this for a long time. We have all seen very bad things happen to good people in the blogisphere. You are protective of your baby. No shame in that - at all.
In my non-scientific opinion, pregnancy anxiety is more pronounced in women who have gone through infertility treatments. "when" i get pregnant... I will be right there with you. Maybe I will just camp out at the OB's office . I've kind of gotten used to having someone look up my vajayjay every few days :-).
I've never been pregnant either but if it ever happens, I'm sure I'll be anxious too. I can't imagine not being after all we now know. I think you're normal - well, at least on this;-)
I think is it VERY natural to be so concerned and apprehensive. When you have experienced so much disappointment, I think the fear acts as a sort of defense mechanism. I am sure as your baby grows and becomes stronger in your womb, your concerns will lessen.
Honey, I'm right there with you. I will be (and have been) a mess when I get pregnant. IF does that to you. It robs you of the naivety and joy you could have if you didn't have to face that reality.
I'm glad everything is going smoothly despite your fears. I hope that as time goes on, your excitement with each milestone will take away pieces of your fear until you have a baby in your arms.
Somehow I lost track of you blog. It was a nice surprise to come here and find out you are pregnant. Congrats!
Keep being an OB's nightmare. Nothing wrong with that IMHO.
I'm sorry if your family doesn't understand your fear. For what it is worth, after we lost our son, the only thing I had wished I had done differently was to have enjoyed it more. I think I stayed detached because I was worried it wouldn't work out. In hindsight, I should have tried harder to enjoy all our moments while we had them.
I hope you are able to find more peace during your pregnancy. I understand how hard that will be.
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