Focusing on the minutiae

Two posts in one day! Go me!

A few of your comments have made me realize that I need to address this subject in more detail in a post: I have noticed that newly pregnant infertile bloggers often find themselves complaining quite a bit, then apologizing and/or defending themselves for seeming so “ungrateful.” I have certainly been guilty of this.

Here is my theory: We have been temporarily released of the biggest stressor in our lives. Rather than partaking in a nine-month-long celebration of that release, we instead proceed to worry ourselves sick/whine about everything else under the sun. The easiest target is, of course, miscarriage. We no longer have to fear a failed cycle, so instead we focus our energy on dead baby fears. Some of these fears are completely rational; some are not. We often drive the people around us absolutely crazy.

Five years ago, my father underwent a rather sudden, extremely dangerous brain surgery. A few days before he went under the knife, my roommate took some pills and ended up in the psychiatric ward of a hospital. For two weeks, I spent my days working, traveling to the hospital, returning concerned phone calls once I got home and finally going to sleep, only to start the whole cycle over the following day. I quickly fell into a routine. Once my roommate was safe with her parents and my dad was recovering at home, I found myself at a loss. I no longer had huge things to worry about; just the little bits and pieces of life that had always been there. I felt aimless and started to focus on the minutiae.

I believe that is what is happening with me now: I’m focusing on the irritating minutiae…at least in this blog. I’m also avoiding talking about how we just purchased a “family-size” SUV; how we’ve been getting cute little congratulations gifts from family members, like a pregnancy devotion book; how, minutes after she found out I was pregnant, my SIL offered to host a baby shower for me. Ungrateful bitch that I was, my first reaction was not, “Oh, what a lovely idea—thank you!” but, “Well, we don’t know yet if this pregnancy will be viable.” I tried to backpedal from there, but you get the idea.

I will make a conscious effort to make this blog a true reflection of my feelings—not just a vent for all my hormonal rantings.