On Friday night, we invited our new next-door neighbors and their almost-three-year-old daughter over for dinner. Though I’m not officially “out” with a large number of people yet, the conversation was going in such a direction that I was uncomfortable keeping my current condition a secret. So, I told. And I couldn’t help adding, “It was after a battle with infertility.” The woman, B, started asking some more detailed questions, and, of course, I was happy to share (I’ve never been a particularly private person). At one point, when I was explaining something, I added, “I don’t know if you’ve ever known anyone who’s gone through IF, but…” and she interrupted and told me they had. Their daughter is adopted.
Whoa. The things you learn when you share. I learned that B had had two, possibly three miscarriages, and couldn’t get pregnant after that. They never went through IUI or IVF. They started caring for the Munchkin when she was 8 weeks old; C’s cousin (the birth mother) had had lots and lots of problems and the child needed a foster. After a lot of time and a court battle, B and C were eventually able to adopt the Munchkin.
After dinner, while M was showing C the fish tank (boys!), I sat down with B and we started talking about our IF histories. In detail. It was strange for me to be discussing this with a relative stranger, but it was a very bonding experience. I shared my continual fear of miscarriage, and she talked about how she and C are considering fostering again, but she couldn’t go through the emotional trauma she did when she thought she might lose the Munchkin.
When I asked whether they would pursue more treatments, she said no. She’s almost 40 (she looks so much younger!) and doesn’t want to go through the emotional rollercoaster of IVF if there’s only a slim chance it will work. And then she said something that really hit me hard: She’s truly “over” infertility. Of course, much of that is probably because she has a child in her arms. But still, adoption or giving birth only cures childlessness; it doesn’t cure infertility. And even though she’d like another child, she’s not bitter anymore that her body didn’t do what she wanted it to do.
I really hope that all of us can reach that place some day.
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8 comments:
Wow, that sounds like an intense evening! I'm one of those grey-area non-infertile people with other challenges to builiding a family, and I have found that having my daughter has healed a lot of the hurts associated with my miscarriages. I imagine that a few more years and it won't seem like such a part of my identity. I am hopeful, at least.
I'm glad to hear you're still doing well with your pregnancy.
Sounds like it was a liberating night. Coming to terms with infertility is no easy task, and it sounds like she's conquered it!
While one can aspire, I don't ever envision a day when I'll be officially "over" infertility. Too many scars.
Glad you had such a good bonding session with your neighbor. Kudos to you for the honesty!
We have neighbors who moved in around the same time as we did and adopted shortly thereafter. I'd love to know their story, but I don't know if they'd ever share. (And with our DI angle, I'm not sure how much we want to share either.)
I'm glad you found an IF comrade in IRL.
Wow, that must be such a relief to share your experiences with someone who "gets it". Too often, we deal with the opposite problem so it is nice to hear about things going well for someone as they come out of the IF closet.
I wish we could all be "over" IF as well. It is so emotionally draining and I would feel so free without this stress. I'm not ready to give up yet but I look forward to a day when I don't have to temp or look at CM or take pills anymore.
So glad everything is going well with you! XOXO
It really must be nice to have someone to confide in, who REALLY understands what you are going through. You know what I mean, we all have those friends that say they understand, but they don't really, they can't unless they've been through it. You are so lucky to find a kindred spirit!
It's truly amazing how more common IF is than anyone thinks. It does make you want to shout out loud so that no one has to deal with it in silence.
I can't currently imagine being truly over infertility. I'll admit, it isn't the first thing I think about every morning anymore. And it isn't always purely negative, either. I look at my daughter and realize how special she is to me, what it took to get her here...and I'm thankful. For now, I'm ok. Maybe one day I won't feel like I'm just on the edge, you know? Because wow. That's amazing.
"adoption or giving birth only cures childlessness; it doesn’t cure infertility"
Right on.
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