Give me a break!

I have what you would call a “Type A personality.” I’m assertive, and a control freak, and I like things my way.

Nevertheless, I can easily be talked into changing my mind on some issues. I think that before this whole pregnancy thing came along, I was under the impression that M wanted to be surprised on the sex of our child. I was OK with that; it would be difficult, but I acknowledged it would be fun on the day of the birth finding out whether we would have a son or daughter.

So, when the subject finally came up a couple of weeks ago, I was surprised to learn that M was actually leaning toward finding out the sex before the baby was born. We decided that we were officially undecided, and we would make the choice when the time came—although we both knew we were leaning toward not waiting.

My SIL (M’s sister), A, is very opinionated. They decided to be surprised with their first child. When she was talking to him on the phone a couple of days ago, she asked (in what he called a very opinionated tone of voice) whether we were going to find out the sex of the child. He said we didn’t know.

From that point on, we realized we were going to be judged.

We were right. We all got together yesterday, and in the midst of a story I was telling about a friend who is due in September, A interjected with, “Do they know what the sex of the baby is?” I said no, they were waiting. “Oh, OK.” And then: “Well, good for them!” I was so stunned and angry, I could barely finish my story. In my mind, I was furiously debating the merits of starting an out-and-out verbal fight right then and there. In the end, I decided it wasn’t worth it. A and her husband didn’t need to know what M and I were thinking about, and I didn’t want to be forced to “defend” any decision we might make.

But really! Do couples who are expecting judge each other that much? And if you must judge, can’t you do it behind closed doors, rather than making it blatantly clear which choice you “approve?” I’m curious to hear about your own, or your friends’ experiences: Is there that much of chasm between couples who wait and those who don’t?

For your amusement, here’s some of what I may have said if I hadn’t chosen to keep my mouth shut: “So you’re saying that a couple is to be commended for waiting to be surprised? And couples that don’t wait are somehow WRONG? A, I am very happy that you and your husband conceived in your first month off the Pill, WITHOUT EVEN REALLY TRYING. However, you have absolutely no idea what it’s like to be me. Yo have no idea what it’s like to want something so badly for so long and wonder if you will ever get it. So you can’t even allow us this one little pleasure? I have the kind of personality that makes things much easier once I’ve had a chance to get used to them. That includes the sex of my child. You have a different opinion; I respect that. Why can’t you respect others’ opinions?”

I realize that the rest of my life will probably consist of A judging our child-rearing choices. Therefore, if I am going to stay sane, I have to learn to put myself in a zen place when things like this happen.

That’s why I didn’t say anything.