I think this post may rub some of you the wrong way. But I feel very strongly about this subject, and I need to get my thoughts “out there.”
Pamela Jeanne recently wrote an interesting post about receiving an unexpected pregnancy (twins) announcement in an e-mail from a work colleague. She is asking her readers to help her decide whether to tell her colleague about her blog and/or book-in-progress. Some readers responded that she was “blindsided” by this announcement—and at work, too!
I take issue with that response. There is no earthly way for every single person to tiptoe around the feelings of every single other person. I think we infertiles sometimes forget that many, if not most, of us have already “crossed the finish line” of a goal many people hope to achieve—we have found our life partner. When you announced your engagement, did you gingerly approach all your single friends? You might have. But how about those friends who were secretly in a troubled marriage, wishing to God they were still in the happy phase of young love and feeling sucker-punched with every new engagement announcement? If you didn’t know about their problems, how would you have known to step gingerly? Is the solution to be cautious and timid about every happy thing that is going on in your life? Of course not!
The main point of Pamela Jeanne’s post, I think, was that she was trying to decide whether this was an appropriate time to share her struggle with infertility. Unless the situation feels extremely awkward (like, for example, when we told M’s cousin about our pregnancy while he was in the presence of his 22-year-old buddies last weekend), I say go for it. The more open we are about our infertility, the more sensitive society will be to our needs.
16 comments:
Fair enough...
I voted it depends too. I personally feel its better to assess the person before sharing any info. I do agree most people aren't intentionally being insensitive.
When I chose to open up after hesitating with couple of people they weren't aware/ready.
One person felt real awkward and chose to change the subject asap (understandable) and the other cluelessly said "Oh we didn't have any trouble." maybe without realizing what he was doing.
I think I'm squarely in the "let's all celebrate!" camp on good news. Even if the good news leaves me with a little ache, it is still good news. Really who wants someone to rain on their parade? Why can't we be happy and sad at the same time?
I like your analogy to an engagement - it's a celebratory time. Hopefully the person that is aching today is the bride tomorrow!
Before I was PG I was a big supporter of pregnant friends. I celebrated the heck out of those births because I wanted them to celebrate with me when it was my turn.
Good points.
In my opinion, it totally depends on how much the person knows about what you're going through. If they don't know you've been trying for years, there's no reason to expect them to be circumspect in their announcement.
But on the other hand, if they do know ... I don't think a measure of sensitivity is too much to ask. Just to give you an example, I was a bit hurt by the friend who, knowing we'd had (at that point) two miscarriages and were having trouble, called us up and shouted "WE'RE PREGNANT!!" as loud as she could into the phone. I had just found out our second round of shots hadn't succeeded, and pregnancy was honestly the last thing I wanted to talk about with anybody.
As someone wiser than I am said, "If you say anything other than 'congratulations,' you're an a$$hole," but ... I think it's a two-way street where your closer friends are concerned.
Work friends? I tend to not be to close - so they wouldn't know of my stuggles, and I totally agree with you. I have a rather bitter single friend - so I know what you are talking about when you bring that up. There are so many things for people to be upset by - maybe they love to run, but tore their ACL. So when you talk about you r morning run... are you upseting them because they aren't able to run!?
It's hard. I agree with other commenters - clsoe friends I would expect some sensitivity. But not random work people.
"The more open we are about our infertility, the more sensitive society will be to our needs." Couldn't have said it any better myself! Thanks.
I like your take on this - I agree on the educating people if it feels right, cuz I seem to like doign that lately, but we can't expect everyone to tippytoe all the time. Since starting this crap, I've wondered like you about all the announcements I've made that have blindsided people.
Being pregnant is great news. Period. No matter how it happens. When a couple wants to start a family their news is exciting and great.
HOWEVER...if a friend knows you are struggling they should be respectful and aware that this is a sensitive topic for you. They should NOT call you on the phone and scream "WE'RE PREGNANT" or, as our friend did when they found out they were pg for a third time, send a text message that said "Dee is pregnant AGAIN?! Amazing, huh?"
Friends in the know
should always tip-toe!
Ha...thats a good rhyme!!
I definitely agree with JF--the amount of sensitivity should be proportional to the amount people know about your situation. At work, I definitely don't begrudge people happy announcements, even though they did sting. They couldn't have known, after all.
What I do hate is the blatant insensitivity that follows some or the thoughtless "jokes" some make. For example, when my boss jokingly said that we all (we all being the 30-somethings who all work together) had to coordinate to make sure we weren't all on maternity/paternity leave at the same time. That joke, for someone who was forced to throw their "plan" out the window more than two years ago, was definitely a bit much, I thought...
yeah.
I hate lying that I'd love children "someday".
Really hate it.
I agree that it depends on how much you know about a particular person's situation. I know people aren't mind readers but if I have been open with them about our struggle, I do expect some sensitivity upon breaking the news. I don't expect people to hide it from me or to not be happy. I am happy for others' successes. I just want to know they care about my situation too and that my feelings matter.
All good points. Guys tend to forget to mention it at all. "Oh, I didn't mention Mrs. X was pregnant? Yeah, lil' Billy's in pre-school now."
I agree with you. I'm going through a personal issue right now where a friend is upset that I didn't come to her and tell her about my struggle with getting pregnant (when she was going through IVF) and that she's just now finding out. I can't decide how I feel about it. I'm a private person and didn't tell ANYONE. Heck, I still haven't.. except on here. When she was going through IVF, I really tried so hard to be there for her despite my own situation. So, it's a little different, but I think the same rule sort of still applies because when she finally DID get pregnant, she screamed it from the rooftops (deservingly so), which basically contradicts the whole theory of treading lightly around others who may be TTC. Anyway, I'm rambling... lol.
Good point. I do think as a society we should stop throwing out emails to e/o on our email list about personal announcement. When my husband and I got engaged, I certainly didn't brag about it to my single friends and I didn't spam everyone. It seems that a pg / birth announcement should be done the same way.
If a person doesn't know me well enough to know that I am struggling, I shouldn't get that personal of an email.
Just my humble opinion.
I FIRMLY agree with you and struggle all the time with the feeilngs that I feel are mostly MY problem. It's when people know and continue to "go there" when I've told them to stop that it's a problem.
Love Frank's point. haha
B
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