As I thought more and more about the below post, I decided to run it past a co-worker. Was my friend being insensitive and/or ignorant in saying “You’re so lucky you’re pregnant” to me? The verdict from my co-worker humbled me. She told me that my friend is simply envious, and for me to think that such a phrase should not be uttered to me is like I’m putting an asterisk next to my name that I don’t want anyone to EVER forget.
Ann: Pregnant*
* After infertility
I was at first indignant that my co-worker would say such a thing to me. Then, I was ashamed at how I must appear to other people. All of those pregnancy announcements, capped with an “It took us a long time to get where we are.” I’ve given some people almost a blow-by-blow history.
I have shared my IF history under the guise of spreading public awareness. In truth, it’s because I want people to look at me differently. I want them to acknowledge that I have suffered, that I, more than perhaps some pregnant women they know, really deserve to be pregnant.
What a load of bullshit.
I protested at my friend’s use of the word “lucky.” My co-worker reminded me that there are so many who struggle without ever achieving success. What’s the difference between me and them? I was lucky.
I share my IF history because I want to be special. Now that I am pregnant, I no longer feel special. I know, I know—most infertiles feel the exact opposite. But I wanted to be different, set apart, and holding on to my IF status was the only way I knew how.
I really, really need to get over myself. I just hope I haven’t already become “that person” to most of the people I know. How embarrassing.
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15 comments:
>>>hugs<<<
You are very considerate of the feelings of others.
Being pregnant *is* special, esp. after IF.
J
Wow. What a brave post. And it's really made me think.
Because your blogs, post BFP, really irritated me (yeah, I know I don't have to read... so please bear with me a moment....) You seemed somehow to take getting pregnant for granted and getting upset over such inconsequential things in comparison. But, now I think I see you were - and are - just dealing with your own issues of coming to terms with pregnancy after infertility. And - no doubt - I was reading your blog and dealing with my own issues about your BFP and my situation. Because unlike you - I seem to ovulate fine - and I am that person who goes from month to month, BDing perfectly but seeing a single line, again and again and again (interrupted by one m/c). I think my jealousy has made me read your posts - and the issues you've chosen to write about - unfairly. Sorry.
Thanks again for a really thought-provoking post which has made me look at myself a little harder - and I hope you don't find this comment in any way offensive.
Okay. I read the post that led to this and thought, well, you are lucky -- to me anyway.
I think what it boils down to is that we're *all* at differing points of trying to get over ourselves :-)
I am not sure if it is that you are actually "lucky". I know exactly where you are coming from. It's really just that word "lucky". Are you lucky for having to go through years of frustration and numerous treament most people never dream of?? I think you (and myself) got to the point where something else had to be done and you finally got to the right treatment. It really has nothing to do with luck and everything to do with being aggressive with your treatment and getting the right treatment for you. Yes there is a little luck involved with the sperm meets egg thing but if there is no egg, no amount of luck will ever get you pregnant!!
I can totally relate but now that I am also pregnant I feel I have left the IF category and am hoping it never comes back!! (maybe with a little luck it won't...hee hee!!)
I think concepts like luck are relative. They depend on your perspective and I consider them unreliable as they are often viewed in a vacuum. But I will say that such epiphanies like you are describing can be great opportunities to improve ourselves and look at things from another perspective.
I think you are special. The fact that you are aware of other people's pain and acknowledge it definitely doesn't make you like the fertile myrtles out there who are naive and take it for granted.
Even if you have selfish intentions, I'm glad you are spreading the word about IF. Community awareness is so important whether you are going through IF or pregnant after IF.
Your road to pregnancy, because you went through IF, is different from a woman who did not go through IF. From what you've been writing, it's been hard for you to shift your perspective from thinking about things as being infertile, to thinking about things while being pregnant. From reading other people's blogs, I think this is a common issue.
Are you lucky to have had to go through IF? No? Was it solely luck that got you pregnant? No. Are you lucky to be pregnant? Yes. Unfortunately, unlike what anonymous might believe, being aggressive about treatment and selecting the right treatment is not all it takes to get pregnant. You definitely did need to have done that, but good treatment doesn't equal 100% success. It's far from it. I used to think that I would be persistent with treatment until I got pregnant, but I've now come to realization that I may never get pregnant. If I do get pregnant, I'll be lucky too.
Don't worry, I don't resent you. Sometimes I do get jealous of pregnant bloggers, but that doesn't keep me from being happy for you at the same time.
I really like this post. Scared me a bit that maybe that's why I talk about it more now - to have people know I suffered, rather than to spread awareness. However, I don't think there's anything wrong with a little mix of both. It's a bit of who we are now, and as long as we're not all I SUFFERED all the time, well, then we've got balance... finally... something we've wanted for a very very long time.
This post really made me think. Mostly because I could see myself doing the same thing, should we make it to the other side. I never thought about it quite the way you put it, but I know I wouldn't be able to hold back on telling people - especially those who have no idea of our history - that ours wasn't an easy road. Even in my un-pregnant state I know I wouldn't ever want to be thought of as a "normal" pregnant woman should the day come. I just never questioned my motives before.
I think I can relate. Before infertility, I wanted very much to be a mom, but I also worried about being just like e/o else - so common - to be a mom.
Still, I think you are special and you are connected and invested with this baby in a way someone who has not gone through IF would have a hard time achieving.
I enjoyed both of these posts for being so thoughtful.
This is a very thoughtful post....
My own thoughts run along this line. I *do* want people to know we've struggled to get where we are. After our first year, eventualy I came to a place of not being obsessed in the shame and unadequate feelings and just wanting to let people know WE WERE STRUGGLING. We were trying and not succeeding and we were trying medical treatment. There were too few people like me and that's why I felt so alone though IF - because NO ONE talked about it while they were in it, only (sometimes) once they had their babies.
To me, being pregnant and telling about IF makes others aware, but it also can open up a friendship to someone else who NEEDS that support b/c they're walking through it.
I think it's good to look at our motivation (often) and access why we feel how we do, to see if it's really true or if it's what we want to be like. I applaud you for that!
I wouldn't say I feel "lucky" to be pregnant. I would say I feel "grateful". Lucky is such a weird word, with such weird connotations. While it may seem like luck that decides which IFers get pregnant and which don't, the fact remains that there is something biological going on behind the scenes that medical science doesn't understand yet.
I completely understand your need to be a different kind of pregnant. Being pregnant after IF is so strange. All my friends who have kids are ecstatic that I'm joining the ranks, but they have no clue what it was like to struggle. I feel like an outsider.
I totally get the part about having to tell people that it wasn't easy to conceive. I don't want people to think it was a piece of cake for us.
Wow. What a great post. You prove once again how considerate you are.
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