I was talking to a friend last night about—what else?—baby issues. She just lost her job last week (she was the insurance carrier in the family), and she and her husband are waiting to find out how much C0bra is going to cost them and how long they’ll be able to be covered. They started TTC at the beginning of the summer and have basically had two or three months to try (they skipped one month because of a wedding scheduled nine months later). Recently, I lent her my copy of TCOYF, and she read it cover to cover. She’s temping this cycle and is hoping she’ll find out about health insurance before ovulation. She has become rather obsessive, which I, of course, can totally relate to.
At one point in the conversation, she looked at me, sighed and said, “You’re so lucky to be pregnant.” I was taken aback by that comment and quickly told her, “Well, it took us a long time to get here.” She knows all about our struggles and has been very sensitive, but I’m not sure she is able to completely grasp what it was like for us. How can she? Even among those of us who have gone through infertility, we each have had our own individual struggle. I don’t really know what it’s like to go from month to month, hoping that pregnancy test will be positive, then dejectedly going about the rest of the day when you get the dreaded one line. My definition of hell is more along the lines of: Faithfully take your temperatures each morning, pay closer attention around days 14-20, see a bit of a temperature rise and start to hope, then see a subsequent temperature drop and feel so sick to your stomach you have to call in sick to work. Then wait until the doctor finally consents to a prescription of Provera so you can start the whole damn thing over again.
At this point, however, history does not matter for my friend. All she sees is reality: I’m pregnant, and she’s not. How many times do those of us struggling with IF wish we could see the endgame? If we could just know for certain we will have a Real Live Baby SOMEDAY, then we could deal with all the rest of the crap. Granted, I’m not anywhere near the endgame, but I’m much closer than my friend is. She can see my happy ending on the horizon, and is still waiting to find out about hers.
I can hear many of you laughing out there in cyberspace. Two months? She’s upset after two months of trying? Yes, it is true that she’s worried her temping will show she’s not ovulating (she had an unusually long cycle for her last month—35 days). I assured her that she has no reason to think anything is wrong, that I have very fertile friends who have taken five to eight months to conceive.
But from her point of view, her world has already been rocked. She and her husband had a plan, and losing their insurance has very much thrown that plan out of whack. I don’t blame her for now assuming that everything else is going to go wrong, too. She doesn’t care about having a job as much as she does about having a baby. And, being pregnant means she can feel more confident about finding a part-time job she can continue after giving birth.
No, I don’t resent her for being envious of me without taking context into account. I don’t “deserve” to be pregnant simply because I went through hell to get here. I was given a wonderful blessing.
I hope she finds hers soon.
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5 comments:
Ann,
Murphy's Law willing - she may get pregnant on cobra. You know how people get pregnant when its not really the best time and all that?
I know she is your friend but if I do get pregnant and someone said that to me, I'd feel upset. Maybe its because of the whole "evil eye" thing in my culture (envy/jealousygreen eyed monster blah blah..) :-)
I'm not proud of it, just admitting the truth.
I know it's hard for people really understand IF until they've gone through it, but your friend does sound like she forgot her empathy at the door when she made that comment! Maybe it's just that we've all had the fear of unwanted pregnancies drilled into us from the time we were adolescents (you know, sex=pregnancy), that your friend is having such a time realizing it's not the case!
Ann,
I think samantha above summarized it well. Its weird to get such a comment from someone who knew your struggle.
I had to chuckle when your friend had a "long" 35 day cycle!! Heck that was a super short cycle for me!!! In fact the shortest cycle I ever had in 25 years is 33 days (and that only happened once - I know you can relate!). I wish your friend luck but it sure is hard to sympathize with someone who has only tried for two months! You'd like to say "well multiply that 2 months by 10, add another 20 days to each cycle, don't forget to include 2 miscarriages and THEN tell me how frustrated you are????" But in actuality, I will just sit here smiling all day, dreaming of what's to come, thankful for my expanding belly and femara baby!!
On a similar note, my sister's friend was very upset that my sister was trying to get pregnant again because she had also been trying for two months and was not pregnant yet. And get this ....SHE ALREADY HAS 3 KIDS!!!!!!! What is with these people?????
Ann,
You are right, people who have been trying for months have no clue what it's like to really try. I know, I'm one of them. But the frustrations and disappointments are still there. Maybe not in the same capacity, but still very real. I can tell that you are a good friend, being patient with her comments and offering her hope. She is very lucky to have you as a friend.
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