Our Mother’s Day celebration was OK. Not great, not terrible—just OK. I was really tired for much of it, not because of lack of sleep, but because I just seem to be tired a lot these days. I’m sure it has to do with emotional instability. Some weekend nights, I sleep for almost 12 hours—just because I can.
My in-laws are very sweet. When I first got to their house, my FIL greeted me with an enthusiastic “Happy Mother’s Day!” When I hesitated (because I honestly didn’t know what to say), he quickly said that I have a mother, so it’s a happy mother’s day. Then, later, when I wished my SIL a happy mother’s day after saying goodbye to her, she instinctively said, “Happy Mo—Happy Aunt’s Day!” I appreciate their sensitivity. Of course, my SIL still spent much of her time in talk of the Mommy Club variety, but that’s to be expected; it is, after all, her life.
* * *
My friend J saw an OB last week who supposedly specializes in infertility. She and her husband have been TTC #2 for almost a year and a half. She ovulates normally, and had no problems with #1. I have many jumbled thoughts about my two conversations with her over the last week.
1. You’re going to think I’m an awful person, but…I’m rooting for her, yet I’m sort of not. I want her to get pregnant again, but not before I do. In my own twisted view of the universe, I should be able to get pregnant with my first before she is pregnant with her second. It’s ugly, but it’s true. I want her empathy as I’m going through my treatments, not her sympathy.
2. That said, I’m a walking contradiction. I still want her to get the best treatment possible. She seems to like her OB a lot, but the guy didn’t run any bloodwork! He just asked a bunch of questions about whether any of her or her husband’s lifestyles have changed since the first baby, and said there shouldn’t be any problems. He prescribed her three months of 50mg Clomid, to start on the 6ixth day of the cycle (written that way so she can’t find me on a Google search), but that was just to pacify her, I think. His biggest piece of advice? “Just relax.” He also had her go in for an ultrasound over the weekend. I’m no doctor, but isn’t it possible that some of her hormone levels could have gotten all wacky after her first pregnancy? Isn’t it his responsibility to check those levels (or at least do an SA on her husband!) before prescribing Clomid for the summer?
3. When she first told me about her visit, it was all I could do not to fire a whole bunch of questions her way. I had to remind myself that this is her life, her treatment, and her doctor. I’m not a doctor, even though I have my Google MD proudly hanging in a frame on my wall. I was happy, however, that she called me over the weekend with a few more questions. She had been consulting Dr. Google herself, and discovered that most docs don’t prescribe Clomid without running some tests first. She also found out it’s unorthodox to prescribe it on day 6ix. So, at least she’s more informed as she goes forward.
I really don’t want to be one of those friends who tries to dictate someone else’s infertility treatments. So for now, I’m keeping my mouth shut until she asks me more questions.
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8 comments:
Her doctor is a little odd. Clo.mid is not candy, after all. It sounds like she's starting to figure that out herself.
I understand what you mean about both rooting hard for friends, but at the same time kind of wishing things would be difficult for them too. It's not a nice feeling, but I've had it also.
I think it's wrong to prescribe Clo.mid without doing an SA. SAs are so non-invasive that male factors should be ruled out before proceeding with anything else. But I'm sure that opinion is colored by my own experience.
I know exactly what you mean about rooting for friends, but not entirely. My best friend is thinking of TTC in June, which is the first month we'll be doing DI. Part of me really wants her to wait until I'm knocked up (or just not get pg until I'm knocked up) because we've been trying for so long and have been through so much. I'm not happy to feel that way, but I do.
I understand what you mean about your friend -- while you of course hope she gets pg -- she had best not do so before you. i actually told a friend of mine that! she understood too. it would be hard not to be firing information her way, particularly since her doc seems to be a goofball. at least she is starting to gather information and will hopefully get a second opinion -- i've never heard of anyone starting clo.mid on day six!
I totally understand your feelings about your friend.
Rote actions/sayings often make our loved ones come across as insensitive, but they are really just being thoughtless.
Sounds like you handled it really well.
Well-informed patients who aren't afraid to question a doctor's judgment and ask for what they need tend to have better outcomes. It's totally OK for your friend to say, "Nah, I'm not comfortable with trying this treatment until we have more evidence that it's the right one." All the Clom.id in the world can't fix male factor...
Your feelings sound rationale and normal to me. Your friend's doc doesn't sound very sound to me.
I don't think you're awful at all! And if you are, then I certainly am. My sis got pregnant after 3 months of TTC. At that point I had been TTC for 11 months. Now, 18 months later, she has a beautiful 9 mo daughter and I'm still chugging away. I saw her recently, and all she could talk about was feeling pregnant again, and asking me how long she should wait before taking a test. I want her to have another baby, but it was hard enough to watch the first one come so easy for her, that the idea of her pregnant with #2 just makes me want to cry.
And yes, as someone who wasted 11 months on clomid before someone repeated a SA (it was originally "borderline" and 1.5 years later "bad") I would strongly recommend her not starting clomid without further workup. Clomid ruins your endometrial lining and creates inhospitable cervical mucous, and could make it more difficult to get pregnat if indeed MF IF is to blame.
I'll stop rambling on now. Talking about IF gets me soo worked up.
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