I haven’t talked about it all that much in this blog, but M and I both have a deep faith in God. We have kept on reminding each other throughout this whole ordeal that God has a plan, and we just have to trust in him.
Except. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to accept that God’s plan may be different than mine. Case in point: Remember that “dream job” I applied for? Well, I e-mailed the hiring supervisor the other day, and she (very kindly) wrote back to say that I didn’t have enough experience yet for the job. I’m not terribly upset, because I kind of had a hunch she would say that. Actually, I had been a bit afraid I would get an interview for the job. Because if God allowed me to land a new job (I plan on quitting after having a baby and doing free-lance writing from home), doesn’t that mean that he wants me to move in a new direction because it’s going to be a while before I have a baby? Whereas, my not getting this job could mean that God has a different plan for me—namely, a pregnancy??? You see my neurosis. It’s perfectly unreasonable, but I can’t stop thinking that way.
I am always afraid that God’s plan is much, much different than my plan. Yes, it’s always easy to trust in God—when you agree with him. It’s when his plan is vastly different from mine that we have a problem.
During my freshman year in college, I rushed a sorority. All my friends got in and I didn’t. I was absolutely devastated, but I survived. The following year, foolishly, I decided to rush again. I figured with more of my friends in the sorority, I would have a better chance. Even though I really didn’t want to be in the sorority itself anymore; I just wanted to have more time with my friends. Even though there was a tiny voice inside me that said I shouldn’t do it. Well, I rushed, and I got cut in the first round. In my opinion, that was God’s way of saying to me, “Well, if you aren’t going to listen to me that this isn’t the right thing to do, then I’m going to have to take action myself.”
The summer after I graduated from college, I was debating whether to break up with my boyfriend of more than two years. I knew he sometimes didn’t treat me right, but I thought I loved him, and I wanted to get married. I decided to weather the storm. A month later, HE broke up with ME. Again, God took matters into his own hands because I wouldn’t take a hint.
Now, I’m trying—again—to figure out what his plan is. I analyze every possible sign, all the while knowing deep down that the ways of God can never truly be understood by humans. I have been prepared for the possibility of adopting my entire life. Does this mean God has been preparing me for that path? I don’t find anything wrong with adopting, but if that is my path, that means I am still several years away from having a child! Thy will be done—but only if it’s also MY will.
I’ve been anxious about this next cycle (I’m done with Provera and am expecting CD1 within the next week). I fear that my ovulation problems will still be plaguing me, or that even if I ovulate, I still won’t be able to get pregnant. This morning on my drive to work, I was filled with a sudden peace and relief in remembering that God is in charge and he’ll make sure everything is “OK.”
But what does “OK” mean?
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7 comments:
Just wanted to mention (which you probably already know)that clomid and femara act differently to induce ovulation. Clomid binds to estrogen receptors so the "real" estrogen cannot bind. This makes the brain "think" estrogen is low and it makes more. Femara on the other hand stops the actual synthesis of estrogen by inhibiting an enzyme that makes it. This lowers your estrogen level and the brain then sends signals to make a lot more. So it is reasonable to think that if clomid did not work perhaps femara will since they work through different mechanisms. I am not sure why clomid only kind of worked for you esp. since you have pcos but you can imagine maybe the clomid didn't fit tightly into your estrogen receptor like its supposed to or something like that. Since femara acts on a totally different molecule it is very possible that it will work. Wishing you the best...
Wow, thanks for that info! No, I don't have a great understanding of the difference between the two meds. I knew they both tricked the body into making more estrogen, but I didn't know the nitty-gritty. That's probably why Dr. Hot says he has had many success using Femara on Clomid-resistant patients.
On another note--you're from Minneapolis, right? (Gotta love the Big Brother-esque site meter.) It's nice to see someone else from this area. Since you know so much about Clomid/Femara, does that mean you have PCOS, too?
yes I am from the mpls area (st. paul actually). Are you too?? And yes I do have PCOS too. Which clinic are you going to?? Maybe we can trade notes?? If you want to email me directly instead of in this public forum use this address (sorry for the goofy name...) sugymonster@yahoo.com
hope to hear from you!!
thanks-
lisa
That's the trick--figuring out what "okay" is going to look like in the end. It's great that you have that faith to help you through some of this, even when it's tough.
Yes, I have had the same struggle. I am sure that I know what will make me happy. There are days (which are growing in #), that I can lay it all out... let go of it all and be willing ot accept whatever plan God has in store for me.
It is those days that I have peace.
The hardest thing to do right now is to have hope and faith. Thank you for your honest thoughts. It helps to know that others struggle with the same questions. I have been trying to focus on the positive and have hope. All the best to you. :)
Ditto, ditto, and.....ditto! I find myself struggling with all of those same issues. Hopefully it helps you to know that you are not alone in your feelings, or in this struggle. Praying for you!!
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