Part of me feels self-indulgent—I’ve been writing about tomorrow for weeks and weeks, when of course I can’t share any more information until I actually go through with the appointment. The comments I get from all of you lovely readers make me feel even more like a broken record—“Praying you have a good ultrasound;” “Continuing to keep you in my thoughts;” etc.
It has seemed to me like others who have been in a similar situation haven’t dwelt on their trepidation nearly as much. But, here I am—barely able to work, counting down the hours until my ultrasound (I’m currently at 23).
In a conversation with M last night, I realized that my feelings contradict each other. I’ve pictured the hours after the ultrasound so many times--I will come back down to my office, close my door and greet my mother with these words: “The baby has kidneys.” I will then send an announcement e-mail to my co-workers (all of whom know about our loss, but very few of whom know I’m currently knocked up—although they’ve probably guessed). And then I’ll update my blog.
I can picture sharing the happy news. I just can’t picture getting it.
You see, I’ve been in that room before, on another Friday, five months ago. I was all ready to hear happy news then. Instead I sat on the table, my stomach growling angrily (I’d skipped lunch because I was so nervous), hardly able to believe the doctor as he grimly told me he couldn’t find a bladder or kidneys.
I’d had plans for sharing the good news then, too. We were supposed to start a registry that night.
It’s hard for me to imagine sitting on that table and receiving good news. As M said, “It’s perfectly natural, because all you’ve ever gotten in that room is bad news.” I can’t get that memory out of my head. Even as I sit here typing, I can’t help shedding tears as I picture that room.
22 ½ hours.
21 comments:
I know it is hard....and we are not tired of hearing the same thing in your posts leading up to this important day. I actually enjoy hearing what you are thinking and going through. That is why we are all here...to support one another in whatever we are feeling...so there is no need to apologize!!!! Know that I am PRAYING...praying for a healthy baby, but most importantly praying for PEACE for you over the next 22 hours and that you will be able to rest and sleep tonight!!!!
The worst wait ever, but it will be over tomorrow and I just now everything's going to look perfect. Thinking about you...
No, I think WE'RE the ones who sound like a broken record, because all I can think of to say is I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hoping tomorrow brings good news. :)
YOU, on the other hand, are very eloquent, and even if you weren't, you have a right to go on and on about this if you want.
Here's one more best wishes for tomorrow's U/S comment! :-)
I have a similar feeling about every ultrasound room I've ever been in.
Actually, when I just went to the lab for betas during my last pregnancy, I spat a nasty little remark at the nurse about how much I hate the poster of cute puppies that hangs opposite the blood-draw chair. I've come to loathe those puppies, since they've always meant bad news for me. The nurse was justifiably confused, and she just got the crazy puppy-hating lady out of there as quickly as possible.
I hope time flies (or at least doesn't drag) until tomorrow, and the news is wonderful. Take good care.
What on earth are you apologizing for? In the days before my first u/s to see a heartbeat I couldn't work at all. All I could do was think about what would happen if there wasn't one. And that was me with no history of m/c and just a year of trying with just a little femara to get me KU'd. So of course you're worried. And you get to talk about that on your blog. No questions asked.
The best of luck tomorrow. I'll certainly be lurking for the results.
I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you -- don't feel bad about ruminating. Best wishes for tomorrow.
I've said this before to you, but I'll say it again: Memory trumps the odds in situations like these. Memory is stronger than logic or the odds when you are waiting for answers in a pregnancy after a loss.
I'm crossing everything that can be crossed that you walk out of that office after the appointment and find yourself walking down a new road, where everything is DIFFERENT than what happened before.
Keep us posted on the news.
(((hugs and prayers)))
I've been there (even though I don't blog about this).
Thinking of you.
I understand your apprehension. Fingers are crossed for you, sure that everything will be fine and your baby healthy tomorrow. You'll be in my thoughts.
History is a bitch. I am in a similar position - anticipating an ultrasound. That damn wand (though not a wand in your case) has never given me good news. So it is totally and completely understandable for you to feeling like you do.
As for the "not able to work" part. Your distraction is totally normal. This is really important stuff. There will plenty of time to re-focus after you are done spreading the good news.
Good luck.
Oh Ann, I am wishing you the best of luck for tomorrow. I will be thinking of you all day.
I can imagine that tomorrow, even with the good news you will receive, the memories you have of learning what about Zach's condition will still be with you. You cannot put those memories away today because they are a part of you and I think always will be.
Huge hugs for tomorrow.
holding my breath for you............
Oh gosh, go back and read the entries up to our six week ultrasound (if you are REALLY bored and trying to while away some of the hours, that is) because I wrote a BUNCH. There was nothing else I could do, especially the day before and of.
The only words that are going to make you feel better are "there are the kidneys" and I can't wait for you to hear those tomorrow (and for me to hear them in 6 weeks time). Wishing you faith and hope tonight, and joy and relief tomorrow.
I hope it all goes well tomorrow, I'll be looking for your good news!
Of course you can't help thinking about it until it's over and done with.
I know I'll be obsessively checking your blog tomorrow to learn the results. And please let them be good...
You're not self indulgent at all. It's a big deal, and I was worried before mine, even with two reassuring prior scans.
I hope you've got your good news by now,
J
Good luck today!
I think the waiting makes it harder and doesn't help with the stress. I'm hoping/praying you get good news today. I'll be sitting on the edge of my seat hoping for the best till then.
I've had a note on my calendar for days - "Ann's Scan - Pray".
As I was praying the other day I had a wonderful picture of you swooping through the sky, as if on eagles wings, and God showing you how worries and fears just dropped away when you saw things from God's perspective.
Praying this comes true for you.
I wanted to share some words from the Anglican Compline (last prayers before bed). The words are from the prayer of Simeon, who prayed in the temple in jerusalem when he saw Christ circumsized.
"Lord, let your servant now depart in peace, according to thy word. For mine eyes have seen the salvation that thou has prepared before all people, to be a light to lighten the gentiles, and to be the glory of thy people Israel".
Preserve Lord, waking, that awake we may watch with you, and asleep we may rest in peace.
Amen.
I recite them when I am troubled, because I find so much comfort in the promises.
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