I had originally resolved not to blog at all for most of this week—to wait until our April 11 ultrasound before I communicated with all of you again. After all, I thought, I have nothing new to say: Still waiting, still nervous, still hopeful.
But now I have something I want to say. And I want to get it out into the world before I find out whether this pregnancy actually has a chance of producing a live baby.
My second pregnancy has helped me to navigate my grief just a little bit better. After reading Mrs. Spit’s moving post yesterday, I realized that I am in a different place than many other women who have recently had devastating losses. I think that it’s God working in my life—through the vehicle of another pregnancy.
I am still heartbroken at losing Zach. The sight of pregnant women still makes me cringe. I still harbor an insane jealousy of women who have never experienced infertility or pregnancy loss. I am still incredulous of people who ask me, “You’re having a hard time? But hasn’t it already been several months?”
I still cry—but not every day.
Instead, I—almost daily—ask M if he notices that I’m starting to look more pregnant. I beam with pride when he tells me it’s going to be hard to keep this a secret for much longer. Both my mother and MIL have expressed interest in throwing baby showers, and I look at the calendar to calculate when the best time would be.
I do not feel paralyzed by my sorrow anymore. It is a regular part of my life, but it’s more like background rather than foreground.
God does provide healing. I just hope this scab doesn’t get cruelly torn off.
10 comments:
Interestingly enough, I just read a blog on a similar vein.
I had several people who had losses tell me that getting pregnant again helped with the healing process. I survived the loss of our son, but I nearly didn't survive the three more years it took to get pregnant again.
I think the hope of another baby is part of moving on, but that doesn't mean it diminishes the child who didn't make it.
Continuing to think of you and pray for peace leading up to Friday.
This is so beautiful, and I am so happy you're finding hope and happiness through this new pregnancy. I will be hoping for nothing but good.
I have to admit that being pregnant again does ease things a bit, too. The loss will always hurt, and I'll always wish things had gone differently, but how could I not be over the moon with the pregnancy I have now? If that makes sense,
Wishing you a delightfully normal scan,
J
At our support group, people have often commented -- they may not think they're healing very well -- until another newly bereaved couple arrives. Seeing that raw, recent grief makes them realize they are in a different place now -- there has, in fact, been progress, even if it's been in tiny, incremental steps forward (or even one step forward, two steps back at times). Does that make sense?
I'm glad to hear you are feeling a little better these days!
I became so annoyed with people who hadn't experienced inferility or pregnancy loss who thought that another pregnancy would magically take away the sorrow I felt after losing our first pregnancy. I too didn't like seeing other pregnant women and was jealous of women who hadn't endured IF or PG loss. They would say to me -- "but you're pregnant now; why can't you accept it and be happy." I was happy, but I could never be completely comfortable with being pregnant again and not worry about another loss. It was very frustrating... and I think I lost a couple of friends because of it.
I am very hopeful for you, and I'm so glad to hear you feel like you're doing some good healing.
I, too, found that pregnancy went a long way toward helping me move past the grief. I still think of the babies I didn't get to keep, but holding the two healthy ones I was fortunate enough to deliver is all I need to feel content. And very, very lucky.
I'll be thinking of you this week.
I'm glad to hear that you're finding some happiness and peace. I think that someone who has experienced loss or infertility appreciates and at the same time fears pregnancy more than your average fertile person. I hope that your appointment goes well and that it brings more reassurance.
Good luck at the ultrasound on Friday. I'll definitely be lurking to hear the news.
Ann, I am crying just reading this. Your attitude (and the way in which you express yourself) is simply amazing. You are one outstanding lady.
Wishing you nothing but normal for your scan.
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