Sometimes, I hate that we live in a world so full of shades of grey.
Through my referrals, I discovered my blog had been mentioned on a random baby message board in which the participants were talking about whether they would want to be screened for malformations. A thoughtful poster (and apparently, one of my readers) mentioned both my blog and another written by a mom who has chosen to carry her “not compatible with life” baby to term. The poster/reader hit it right on the money when she said that nobody can know what they will do until they are put in that situation.
As my longtime readers (well, at least those who have been around for about six months) know, I have not been able to completely put our decision to terminate behind me. While I would not wish to make a different decision, I have struggled with feelings of guilt. Did the mom who chose to carry her baby to term (Angie) make a better choice than we did? No, it was just different. We are both strong Christians (yes, I read her blog) and while she felt called to carry her baby until “God took her,” I knew immediately that that wasn’t something I was cut out to do.
I’ll have to admit—when I read her blog, which is filled with pictures of her other three daughters, one part of me whispered, “It’s because she already has other children that she was able to carry to term. She hasn’t been waiting for so long to be a mother like I have.” But from reading her words, I’m pretty sure that she would have made the same choice had her first child been given a lethal diagnosis.
She was called to do something different than I was. Period.
The funny thing is, I have never felt judgment from anyone else regarding the choice we made. The only judgment has come from myself. Sometimes, I think that I just wasn’t brave enough to go through with the rest of the pregnancy. Other times, I think that I was just wanting to get started on another pregnancy sooner (which is true).
Oh, how I wish that human beings were able to make decisions and never look back. Black or white—that’s it.
Instead, I’m left with a grey mess.
13 comments:
Don't beat yourself up...you can question if you made the right decision about things your whole life...it is that way no matter what the circumstance was or is... you have to make the best choice or decision at that time and move forward and try not to look back...all situations are different and no one knows exactly how they will handle something until they are put there...I am sure if you read about somebody that was going through what you went through, you would think "I would do this or that" but truth be told, you just don't know till you are experiencing it yourself....so that is why I think EVERYONE needs to be quick NOT to judge others regardless of the situation...you just don't know what life will throw at you and how you will handle it.....Continuing to pray for you....
I do feel the way you do, constant guilt that what if I made the wrong decision. I also have a living child and making that decision to induce the pregnancy while the baby was still alive haunts me to this day. But with the condition I had, there was no way that the baby would survive and I didn't want her to suffer at all.
You say it well because no one ever knows what they will do in a situation until they are put in it. I would never have thought that I would have had to go through what I did, but I did, it was meant to happen and if I ever have any other children I can look at them and say that they wouldn't be here if we hadn't experienced what we did.
Totally rambling as always...
I'm right there with you.
One of the doctors I saw when we were still trying to sort everything out said that probably we'll only be about 51% sure of what to do, and no matter what we decided, we'd probably go back and question it forever.
Hoping you find some peace.
I have an idea that if there is a secret life of women, it consists in my realizing that I am screwed, irregardless of what I choose. Whatever choice I make I will question it. If I choose to have NICU recessutate Gabriel, he might be with us. If he was with us, I would hurt less. Or maybe he would have lived just a few days, fighting to live. If I had waited just a few more days before being induced, maybe there would have been a miracle. Or maybe I would have been dead. If, If, If.
I'm starting to wonder, maybe it would just be different types of grief and pain. Maybe Gabriel would have lived, and we would have had the pain of a severely handicapped child.
I'm with Stacemoe, we just don't know how we would handle these things until we are there.
FWIW, I don't think I'll ever truly resolve my decision other than to say that nobody does know what they'll do until it happens to them, and we both made the best decision we could at the time. There isn't an easy out.
J
Grey comes with a lot of what if's...but you can't live in the what's you have to live there. It's easier said than done I know.
I commend your choice. It was harrowing and heart breaking. The decision to carry to term makes no one "better" I think back to the 70's when you weren't given a choice...one of my grandmother's friends had a daughter whose child had passed in utero...and they KNEW THIS, yet they made her carry till she went into labor. That is cruel...I can't imagine not having a choice.
To me, you are brave. You have been to the pit of hell, and came back to receive a miracle baby that you carry now. I just hope that with his/her safe arrival that you realize you did the right thing...otherwise...he/she wouldn't be on the way...
It is a very personal decision you & your husband had to make no one has the right to say it's right or wrong. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, my thoughts are with you.
You did the right thing. I don't know if it helps to hear that from other people, but if it helps silence the gray voice in your head, I will say it again. You did the right thing.
My heart goes out to you--I can't imagine the agony of that choice, or the courage with which you faced it. Be kind to yourself.
Nobody ever knows what to do or if it was right. At my support group, I've met women who chose to carry a pregnancy and keep the baby alive even though it had disabilities, some very very serious---and they spend all their time wondering if they made the right decision.
When they see their child suffering, when they are in pain, when their life seems hopeless and pointless, it's hard, very hard.
But after the fact, the die is cast and they can't go back. And now two people are suffering.
These parents love their kids desperately, btw, they just never thought it would be like this.
Regardless of what you do, you will always feel like it's shades of grey honey.
Argh, sorry about the deleted comment. Let me try again ...
Anne, I want to put it out there that feeling some guilt isn't a sinister clue about the secret wrongness of your decision. It only means you are a mother who couldn't save your child. This is what parents feel when this happens. I'm sure if you had an honest conversation with a woman who opted to carry to term for a fatal disorder, she would also admit to moments of guilt and uncertainty. It is universal.
Frankly, if someone claimed otherwise, I would seriously wonder how shallow he/she was. To never question your path is a sign of blind dogma, not rightness.
My take is that you made the choice that was best for you, and nobody can fault you for that. But of course, what I think doesn't make your own feelings on the matter any easier. It's just a completely horrible situation that nobody should have to go through but you did. And you made it through, which certainly says something about how strong you are.
I think that was me that posted about your and Angie's blogs. I hope you didn't mind me sharing your story, but I truly believe what I posted: no one should judge another facing any kind of traumatic, life-changing decision for the only way to truly be able to make that kind of decision is to be face to face with it. Going through what you have and knowing now what you know, why would anyone want to make that kind of decision or declare some pre-determined stance if they never had to?
I don't think I've ever posted on here before, but let me offer my condolences and congratulations intertwined ... I'm sure you get a lot of that lately. And a hug, b/c, well, I'm a hugger.
Allie
Post a Comment