I’ve debated writing this post for a couple of days now, not because it’s painful, but because I was unsure if I wanted to deal with the response I thought I might get from it. Perhaps it’s best to start with the conversations I’m hoping to have with you, my readers.
I am now at a place where I can (at least most of the time) be rather emotionally disconnected from our loss last November. It’s not that I don’t miss Zach or wish he were here; I simply think about the events surrounding his death on an intellectual level rather than an emotional one. It’s how I approach much of my life—I analyze the hell out of it, just for kicks. So, as I tell the following story, I’m not looking for sympathy or expressions of condolence (although, believe me, that has been very much appreciated in the past). Rather, I’m looking for you to be over-analytical right along with me.
At my shower two weeks ago, there was a friend who had brought along her 10-day-old daughter. As I spoke to her and a few other friends, talk turned to her labor and delivery, pain management, etc. I piped in with my own experience with an epidural, cheerfully talking about how cute the anesthesiologist was and about how I questioned whether all epidurals are that easy. As I talked, it occurred to me that other people might be uncomfortable with me being so frank about my experiences. Bless their hearts, they didn’t show it, but I wondered, is it socially acceptable to talk about the induction/abortion of a doomed baby as though it were just a normal delivery? After all, I had something to add to the conversation, and I added it! I can talk about last November without crying; the question is, can others listen without feeling they need to put on their concerned and sympathetic face?
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you wondered if you should be talking so casually about such a heavy topic?
11 comments:
You have every right to talk about your birthing experience just like any other mom. I'm not sure how hard it would be for people to hear you talk about it - I guess it depends on you. If you are focusing on telling the birthing story and not focusing on the fact that he isn't here with us now, it would probably be easier to listen to. But there is the part of me that thinks it shouldn't matter if it is easier for them or not.
It comes back to the fact that you had something to add to the conversation, so why shouldn't you?
I agree with Heather, you had a birth experience to share with the other women there and share it you should.
I agree that you should talk about whatever you feel comfortable talking about and if others feel uncomfortable about hearing it, then that is their problem. I am a pretty blunt, tell it like it is person. My father died when I was 12 from Cancer, he had suffered many many years. I would not bring this up out of the blue, but if a converstation that involved this topic arose and I had something to contribute, then I would not be selfconscious sharing about my experiences. Hope you are feeling well, and have a nice weekend...
I'm all for sharing your experience. You can't know now which of your friends may have to face a similar situation of delivering a non-viable baby (at any point in the pregnancy) or will need to comfort a friend going through the process, and knowing that your physical birth experience was much like a 'normal' birth experience might really help them.
I talk about my L&D experience all the time, when such a topic comes up. Sometimes people forget, I think, that I actually gave birth to a baby... I don't know, sometimes I think they believe a dead baby just "goes away" or something. But anyways. Once in a while I'll wonder if it was appropriate to say something, but most of the time I just cheerfully talk about it. And most of the time people are totally cool with that. (Maybe it's weird for them, but no one's ever given me a look or said something.)
I applaud you for speaking up & claiming your experience! There have been many times when I've been in a group of women who are sharing their labour stories (at showers & such), & have been dying to add my $.02, but bit my tongue & kept quiet. If it's at a shower, I feel like it's kind of poor taste on my part to be bringing up dead babies (even indirectly). Sometimes, the women know nothing about my history & speaking up would invite more questions than it's worth.
I agree with Natalie, though -- I think it shocks people whenever it is brought up. Nobody really thinks about what actually happens when your baby dies. Yes, I actually did go through labour & give birth!!
Re-reading this, I realized it was YOUR shower where this happened. In which case, I definitely think you should feel free to say anything you damned well please about anything you like! ; ) : )
I think you have every right to add to the conversation. If it makes other people uncomfortable, well, that's their issue, not yours. Some friends were recently wondering aloud how you felt at the beginning of pregnancy, and this other woman and I started telling them. Only one of us has a living child, but I can share that now, so I'm going to.
When my husband successfully defended his dissertation, his adviser (about 38 wks pg) graciously threw a little get together for friends in the department. His adviser was about 4 or 6 weeks behind where we would have been had my pg continued. Somehow I ended up sitting next to her and someone engaged her in conversation about maternity clothes, perhaps something about late pregnancy and/or delivery.
I'm not very close to C's colleagues and was very conscious that it might be weird for me to participate in such a conversation so I actively avoided it. It hurt because it would have been a perfectly normal thing for me to chat with them about, had my babies not died. I felt like was wearing my scarlet DBM, especially sitting right next to her. And as an infertile, I was right out of the mommy club again.
It would have been fun to talk about some of that stuff since I had been through it, but I was acutely aware that I didn't belong in such a conversation.
Glad it was okay for you! And as others have said, it was *your* shower -- it's all about you!
My husband is an recovering addict and I find now that I can easily talk about things that happened but I often find that some of them bother other people. I know the situation is different but I understand where you are coming from about mentioning something and then wondering is it ok to just say that?
I have just stumbled across your blog and am loving it! You're such a great writer!
In regards to this post, I have a good friend who lost her baby boy at 20 weeks as well and at first, she could not talk about it without crying but like you now she can. I have since encountered others who have, unfortunately, gone through simliar experiences and while I do not bring them up, if they choose to talk about the experience and their baby in whatever manner, I try to pick up on their feelings and use them to enteract with them. I look for cues...
I wish you all the best!
Post a Comment