I have a nasty habit of, when someone asks me how I’m feeling, actually telling them.
I don’t subscribe to the “I’m fine” camp when I’m not—not completely. So most people in my office are aware that I have recently had ligament pains that make it very difficult to get up from my chair and walk to the bathroom. When they ask me how I am, I tell them I’m feeling very uncomfortable.
On Friday, I accompanied M to a work conference at a resort for a night and treated myself to a massage and a few hours by the pool. Apparently, it was just what my body needed. Even M said I seemed much more relaxed.
This morning, when my co-worker S asked how I was doing, I told her, truthfully, much better. I then turned it into an extended joke along the lines of, hey, apparently all I need is just to sit on my butt by a pool and my body just magically feels much better. The office wouldn’t mind, then, if I spent the next seven weeks doing just that?
My co-worker C happened to walk up while we were talking. She gave a small smile while I was joking (hey C, you wouldn’t mind if I just took the next seven week to lay by the pool, would you, ha ha?). Then she said, presumably joking, “Hey, you chose to be pregnant, so suck it up!
(I should probably remind you that C is the office queen bee who was never able to have children and has alternately been my biggest nemesis and my biggest comfort through all the crap of the last year. She’s also planning my office shower.)
I think C was sort of joking. But it still stung. Have I really become “that person—“ the one who complains when she has been blessed enough to become pregnant? I have always been conscious of what I talk about and when, but when somebody asks me how I’m feeling, it is very difficult for me to grit my teeth and swallow down any words other than “great!” I’m just too talkative of a person for that.
It is very, very difficult for me to just ignore my pregnancy at work when, everywhere I turn (remember, I work in PR at a hospital so I work with LOTS of different people), someone is asking me about it. Even when I try to joke, I feel like I’m betraying the infertile sisterhood.
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11 comments:
It isn't betraying. I understand how you feel. I think everyone understands that pregnancy is physically demanding - but I think it is easy for people to forget exactly how exhausting it is to feel this way all day every day for weeks/months. It takes a toll. I've only started feeling bad in the last week and already it is wearing me down.
You know, "my pelvis hurts" in NO way equals "I wish I weren't pregnant." Different concepts! I just try to be careful never to utter complaints like "I just want this to be over" or "get him out". Never. But to say you're in pain? That's just the truth.
I, too, have been beating myself up thinking I might be hurting people's feelings by talking about my pregnancy at all. I'm constantly surprised when people are just happy for me rather than feeling sad that they're not pregnant. Maybe infertility (and/or loss) makes us much more sensitive to these things.
There's nothing wrong with complaining about the discomfort. Someone at work pretty much said the same thing to me, and everyone there knew I had done IF treatments. I had such major pubic symphesis pain that I could barely walk and my husband had to dress my lower half for the last 2 months. I say that after difficulty conceiving, we deserve the right to air our discomforts as well.
I'm writing an article on pregnancy after IF for the Our Bodies Ourselves website now, and my research shows that IF women feel a huge pressure not to complain about pregnancy and parenting- and that keeping it all inside puts them at higher risk for PP depression.
You know, it was just me, but I made a huge effort to not complain. (And I had lots to complain about). This came about for 2 reasons.
1. I have a very fertile friend, who complains about being pregnant. This was painful and frustrating to me.
2. I was very thankful to be pregnant. I didn't want to overshadow my thankfulness to be pregnant, with complaints. I wanted to cultivate an attitude of thankfulness, that I was vomiting, but I was pregnant. The way I did that was to focus on the positive.
I think I choose what to tell people carefully especially to the ones undergoing treatment. All the complaining is reserved for people with a kid.
Last year a friend was exceptionally sensitive with her pregnancy and would never complain. She always stated her symptom in a matter of fact way without acting like a diva.
Ack! Just because it's been substantially harder for some of us to conceive and carry a healthy baby to term doesn't mean the last trimester doesn't absolutely suck ass. Who are we kidding?!?
Complain away, sweetie. You deserve to vent just as much as the next horribly uncomfortable pregnant lady.
I think Queen Bee was out of line. She wasn't part of the original conversation, and so what she said qualifies as a driveby. It's complicated because you understand all too well where the snarky comment came from, but nonetheless, it was still a rather hostile thing to put out there.
It doesn't sound like you are whining about anything, just explaining the truth of your current experience.
When we spoke, I think this is exactly what I wished for both of us, to be able to complain about the "normal" symptoms that most women experience during pregnancy. I'm happy that we both got there. In my view, the fact that pregnancy is now uncomfortable and we voice that in no way means that we have suddenly forgotten what it took us to get here nor are we now blind to the struggles that other IFs are going through. I don't see the two as mutually exclusive. We can be honest about how we are feeling yet still feel empathy for those who are not pregnant.
Bottom line, there is no rule written that people who've had IF issues or losses suddenly have to be martyrs if they become pregnant.
I think we all (pg after IF ladies) walk this fine line. I know I do. For the most part I try to balance the too, "oh you know the normal pains, but it is all worth it".
Deborah says "my pelvis hurts" doesn't equal "I wish I wasn't pg" and she is right. But honestly is the pain of pg really worse than PIO shots or the fear of never having a child grow inside you. NOPE. And yet we talk more openly about pg pains than IF pain. More people ask about it, and know about it.
If it was really about IF after pg, wouldn't there be more of a balance around the IF and PG part? If not then what daoes that say to those still in the trenches "Yes you were good enough to be my friends, confadonts and the people I loved the most while I went through the hardest time in my life but now, now I am pg. Now I am one of them."
I am not saying this is what you are doing, but sometimes I feel like it is the message I give off. I don't want it to be but it is. Again the balance is a hard thing to find.
pregnancy is hard and uncomfortable. When someone asks me how I'm doing and I was having a hard day, I simply say "pregnancy is hard some days, but I wouldn't trade it for the world". Because if though we know complaining about aches and pains doesn't mean we're complaining about being pregnant, it could sound like that to someone. Especially someone who is infertile. I tread very lightly around the IFers I know.
You know, once we seemed to be safely into the 2nd trimester, I felt free enough to jokingly complain. I was puking all the time and anemic -- I was sick and while I didn't volunteer it, like you, if someone asked, I would say something like, I'm looking forward to being able to eat again. Something like that.
What makes me cringe now, is when I recall saying "boy, is it a good thing I'm having twins, because I can't see going through this again." Or something similar. (In select company, of course.) I want to smack myself for even thinking about it now.
You are clearly so very grateful to be pregnant, and so *not* taking it for granted. Really, I think you have every right to express that pregnancy is not all sunshine and roses. Especially with your experience with Zach, and especially because it isn't all sunshine and roses.
I can understand where C was coming from, too. Especially, if she was walking by and caught your comment out of context. It's possible she was having a bad day anyway and your (collective) timing was bad. Not to excuse her comment, but I can understand it. As can you. (But why, on earth, is she planning your shower if she's still dealing with her infertility.)
As a woman still struggling with infertility, I don't feel betrayed by you. You have fought the good fight and you are about to reach your goal. You don't take any of it for granted, and that means a lot.
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