The inquiries have started in earnest now: “Are you nervous and scared about labor and delivery? Do you know what you’re going to do about pain meds? Take the epidural! Is M ready to be a dad? Have you washed all the baby clothes yet?”
The funny part is, most of these people know part or all of Zach’s story. They’ve just sort of forgotten what we went through 10 months ago. And the answers to those questions?
“Well, I’m a little nervous, but I’ve sort of been through this before—albeit with a 14-ounce baby, not with a 7- or 8-pound baby. To tell you the truth, I’ll take physical pain over emotional pain any day.”
“Yes, I will be getting an epidural at some point in the labor; remember, I already had an epidural so I know what it’s like.”
“M already is a dad.”
No, I have washed nothing. I haven’t even unwrapped most of the baby stuff we’ve gotten. Some part of me is terrified our child will die and I’ll have to figure out what to do with all this stuff.
You know what’s weird? Sometimes, these days, the more excited people get, the more annoyed I get. At our last shower over the weekend, people kept on saying, “The next time I see you, you’ll have the baby!” And I feel the need, often, to reply, “Well, let’s just hope that everything goes OK.” I’ve lost my ability to assume the best.
I think the question that annoys me the most is, “Are you ready?” We’ve been ready for 2 ½ years.
Yes, I know I’m being picky. Or maybe I’m just hormonal. But for God’s sake, stop treating me like someone who’s naïve!
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19 comments:
I haven't been through what you have been through but even still...at 34 weeks we don't even have a nursery set up yet. We have some of the furniture but it is sitting in boxes in the living room. We don't even have carpet in the "nursery" yet. I haven't washed a thing. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
You know, even preloss, when I WAS naive and on the cusp of Big A's birth, those kinds of comments annoyed the crap out of me! There is something vaguely "I know something you don't know, nyah, nyah!" about them.
Sorry the sting is extra strong for you, given the situation.
I always find baby showers hard, when the women start telling their L&D stories. I'm always tempted to bring up MY birth story (hello?? I went through labour too!!), but I'm sure it would bring conversation to a screeching halt (not to mention be in questionable taste to bring up a dead baby at someone else's baby shower). Good for you for reminding people that this is not new stuff to you! Hang in there...!
is it too late to ask for a password for when you go to pwp? I've been lurking for several months and would love to continue following...my email is katiephirst at gmail dot com.
It is totally understandable for you to feel the way you feel and have the thougths you have....there is always going to be apprehension until this sweet baby is safely in your arms. As I have said before, people do not think before they speak and it is so annoying....I know this is harsh, but I would rather people not speak to me at all, then say something stupid and insensitive....I know our losses are not on everyone else's mind, but it is just so frustrating that everyone thinks because we are pregnant again everything will be fine and our pain will lessen...
I am sorry you have to deal with this and I pray for a safe rest of this pregnancy and quick healthy delivery.
I think it all comes back to the fact that most people have had typical pregnancies and have delivered safely (normal, with drugs, c section) and didn't have to deal with second trimester loss or a dead baby. :|
It's not just you, you really have to lower your expectations for most people (general 'you') because most of them say really stupid things without thinking.
No one can fault you for protecting yourself, you guys have been through a lot.
Well, WE remember that you are an old hand at the birthing thing.
I understand not wanting to get the little one's things ready. At least have a bag packed for the hospital, diapers bought, and whatever sleeping arrangements you are going to use set up. There will be plenty of family wanting to come over after the birth, and you can put them to work washing clothes and doing other things that you don't feel comfortable doing right now.
I ended up doing a fair amount of the "prep" work after my baby was born- it was too scary to do before.
I too get very annoyed and downright angry with the things people say. I try to put into perspective because once-upon-a-time I too was naive and have asked stupid questions (well stupid in the IF world). I did however recently write a post and didn't pw protect it in the hopes that some of the really annoying people would stop freaking my husband out and ticking me off.
I say it's okay to not branch out of your own comfort zone, just get the necessities done or deligate that job to DH or another family member. Everything will be okay.
I had a similar experience, but not quite as bad because Ernest was born nearly 4 years before LB. People had years of seeing me sad and grieving. No one questioned whether or not we were ready for parenthood, but they did ask about having everything ready which, like you, wasn't.
I like Loribeth's comment. I always wanted to do that too. In a happy voice say, "Let me tell you what it is like to give birth to a baby likely to die! Let me tell you!"
Thanks for the invite!
I was nervous right up to the end too. I was having weekly NSTs for the last several weeks of my pregnancy and I always watched the paper anxiously, trying to assess the results before the doctor came in.
Life gets busy and complicated when the baby arrives, but it's SO nice that you can check on him or her whenever you want.
Clearly people need to learn to THINK before making small talk.
I haven't been through an ordeal on the scale that you have, but I understand the premise. I remember my uber-fertile neighbor pointing out to me that I was over 38 weeks pregnant and still continued to preface EVERYTHING baby-related with a big "if" or "assuming all goes well." Some people just don't get it and they never, ever will.
People are do tend to try to sweep tragedies under the rug, particularly ones they don't know how to handle. On the other hand, I think people probably are genuinely excited for you and want to express their enthusiasm about things. I think it's just hard for you, since you've been through this experience before under such sad circumstances, so their excitement ends up feeling like insensitivity. Loss of innocence, as you said.
Just like Heather and so many of us, I was waiting for that shoe to fall, too ... even though they knew about our three miscarriages before this pregnancy (our little boy is 3 months old), friends didn't understand why I wanted to wait until weeks of my due date for a baby shower, and even didn't want to have a shower at first. Then again, I had a friend who was decorating her nursery and calling her baby by name at five months pregnant and while I of course didn't say anything, I thought she was completely insane. They are just two different worlds -- "normal" (or should I say "innocent") pregnancies and those that come after loss.
The funny thing is what people are willing to verbalize. They are just excited or something but they have no idea what kind of hurt they stir up with a few unthinking comments or questions.
I haven't experienced what you've gone through, but I feel for you ... and wish you all the best in the coming weeks.
So whats going on...??? It has been 8 days, and at this late in a pregnancy, no updates will get our imaginations going! Are you still baking or holding your new little bun?
I just wanted to stop by and say "Hi" and let you know I have been thinking about you....I am a little concerned since it has been so long since your last post....Hope all is well and I am praying for you.....
I just wanted to stop by and say "Hi" and let you know I have been thinking about you....I am a little concerned since it has been so long since your last post....Hope all is well and I am praying for you.....
Well, I see on your sidebar it says you gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.....Just wanted to know I have been thinking about you...I was curious as to why you stopped blogging....Maybe you started a new blog....if that is the case, I would love to continue the journey with you...my email is Stacemoe@gmail.com Hope all is well!
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