CD1

Bleh.

I can't help myself. I already have visions of myself a year from now, still trying and wondering whether it would be better to go for infertility treatments, adoption or just let it be and be happy with one kid.

Logically, I know I'm being silly. It's only been two cycles! But frankly, I'm just not used to this cycle roller coaster. My problem is supposed to be ovulating--not conceiving in general. I think that deep down, I'm almost hoping that I start having trouble ovulating again, because then I can legitimately seek help right away, instead of waiting, waiting, waiting.

Honestly, I had forgotten how maddening trying to conceive can be.

But.

There's Tyler. And although he was teething and had a cold for Christmas, he is now just as cute as can be, happily playing in one of our storage containers with a wrapping paper roll.

And while I'm envious of other women who are pregnant right now, and I'm impatient, and just a teeny bit worried...it's not painful. It doesn't hit me in the pit of my stomach like it did three years ago.

I'm still here, waiting...

Sheesh. Even when I'm trying to conceive, I can't manage to update my blog on a regular basis.

So--the update. In short, I'm not pregnant. The long story--right around the time I last posted, I started experiencing severe insomnia problems. I've have sleep anxiety issues for about two years now, but it really reached a head. I took meds to sleep, but I knew I couldn't continue taking them during pregnancy. That in itself stressed me out. I was getting terrible sleep and had side effects from the meds, so two weeks ago, I decided to stop cold turkey. I had a really rough week, but I'm getting better, and I feel terrific being free of the meds.

What does this have to do with trying to conceive? For the most part, I've stopped taking my temperature. It stresses me out in the morning, and it simply wasn't worth it. So this cycle, I decided to play the guessing game and just let things take their course (for a woman with PCOS, this is quite the leap of faith!). I actually felt myself ovulate this cycle (on time!), so now I'm in the 2ww. It's funny--last cycle I ovulated, but didn't get pregnant. Believe it or not, that's only happened to me once before. For me, the challenge has always been to ovulate. Once that happens, I have no difficulty getting pregnant. Now, in the back of my mind, I wonder, What if my issues change, and I can't get pregnant even while ovulating? What if I use up my couple of "normal" cycles, don't get pregnant and then can't ovulate again?

Oy. For as much as I try to convince myself I'm relaxed, I think there's a part of me that's just waiting for the opportunity to panic again.

Back to the beginning

So here I am again. Back in the world of temperature taking. Back in the land of being anxious first thing in the morning because I wonder what I'll see on the thermometer.

And the funny part? It's only CD14.

Yes, we're trying for a second baby. And true to form, I've managed to get myself completely crazy over it.

The questions swirling around in my head right now?
1. Will I actually ovulate this first cycle after going off the Pill? And will it be in a relatively timely fashion? If history is any indication of the future, yes, I will. But what if things go all wonky again?
2. How long do I wait before I say "uncle" and call the infertility doc and ask for some good ol' Femara?
3. And if I do take the Femara, am I really that comfortable with it? Last time I took it, we conceived a baby with no kidneys. And do I really believe the peri who says that the two things are completely unrelated?

Goodness. I didn't anticipate I'd be a basket case even before things got interesting.

And then...there's the fantasy. That God would grant us one good cycle after the Pill, and we'd get pregnant right away. Problem is, I'm staking a lot of hope in that fantasy. The higher you reach, the harder you fall.

And this, my friends, is why I find myself, once again, in IF blogland. Because you are the only ones who truly understand all this mess of crazy.

The skinny

It has occurred to me that while I post here from time to time, I haven't really given you a full update on my day-to-day life in a long time. And I think there are still a few of you out there (my die-hard readers!) checking back occasionally. So here goes:

I have managed to build quite a successful freelancing business. I got a rocky, panic-filled start last winter, but at this point I mostly have as much writing work (mostly healthcare copywriting) as I want. At least, I have enough that I don't see the need to actively look for more work. I love what I do, and it's hard for me to believe that I'm able to meet my financial goals while still staying at home with Tyler.

When I'm not working or playing with Tyler, my husband and I are also youth group leaders at our church and I'm a board member with our local Mothers & More group. I am careful not to turn into one of those Stepford Wives mothers, but I do like to stay active. A year ago, I was quite bored with the stay-at-home mom life, but now I feel like I've built a nice little life for us.

That's not to say that there aren't bad days--or weeks. There are frustrations, jealousies, hurt feelings, feelings of inadequacy--you name it.

But mostly, I'm happy.

On the baby front, we don't plan on even trying for at least a year. But I already have a plan: Next spring, I will go on the Pill. Late next fall or early next winter, I will stop taking the Pill and hope my body gives me one or two semi-normal cycles (if the past is any indication of the future, I'll probably get at least one cycle that's less than 2 months long). If that doesn't work, then I'll go back on Femara. I'm not looking forward to it, and part of me wants to do it now just to see if we can conceive. But 2 kids under 2 is not my idea of a good time, so I just need to patiently wait.

I think that's about it for now. For a writer, this post wasn't very eloquent, I admit. But it's functional, right?

If you want to follow along in a bit more detail, e-mail me at bearnest at wi dot rr dot com and I'll add you as a Facebook friend. Then you'll get the bonus of seeing my gorgeous picture!

Random poll

OK, I need your help to understand something.

My friend, who is 26 and from a small town in Tennessee, has no knowledge of children's books and rhymes that I have known about for years. I'm trying to figure out if a)it's a regional thing; b)it's an age thing, or c)she and her family are just "out of it."

Since you all are different ages and from different parts of the country, you can help me!

Have you ever heard of the rhyme, "Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" or the book, "The Monster at the End of This Book?" Because she hasn't, and it's hard for me to believe.

Get behind me, pregnant woman

I hate pregnant women.

This is a strange statement for me to make, because I was one myself just a year ago. But I just can't shake the resentment I feel whenever a woman with a bump starts talking with other people about her pregnancy. In particular, I seethe with anger when a friend who is 12 weeks pregnant talks about the bet she and her husband have about the gender of their baby. As she writes in her blog, "In just 8 weeks we will find out."

Don't you mean, in 8 weeks you will find out if your baby is healthy?

Logically, I know that it is impossible to expect that everyone should be as freaked out about the 20-week ultrasound as I am. Every person has that one "thing" that strikes fear in her heart. For some women, it's the well-baby check-up at the pediatrician's office, because that's where they found out their baby has a life-limiting condition. Whereas I am approaching the 12-month checkup with mostly indifference.

But.

I just can't shake those bad feelings. Part of me wonders if I'll ever be able to see a pregnant woman without feeling extraordinarily uncharitable toward her.

Gossip

I've never been good at being part of a "group." By that I mean that most of my friends are not friends with each other. Rather than getting together with "the gang," instead I hang out with friends individually. The last group I was part of was my office, and there were lots of growing pains there. Finally, I decided to retreat from the office folks and not try to be friends with them.

Two and a half months ago, we moved to a new neighborhood. We happen to be just down the street from good friends. Let's see if you can follow this story: My friend A recommended our babysitter, AM, to us. She watched Tyler maybe a month ago and she was great. However, she hung out with us about an hour after we came home and talked, talked, talked. Among the things she talked about were how she's working so many hours this summer and how her mom really wants her to work hard. She and her family live across the street from A, and A and the mom, L, are good friends.

Are you lost yet?

Well, I made a mistake and mentioned to A some of the things Am had said to us. I had never talked to L, but I certainly didn't get the best impression of her from what her daughter said. A must have shared what I said with L, because when L dropped A's baby daughter off with me today (we're sharing babysitting while A is on vacation), L told me Am has been ordered to apologize to us this afternoon. L and her husband are absolutely FURIOUS with their daughter for spreading all this stuff about their family . Apparently, we only got part of the story.

So here I am, feeling partly guilty for ratting on Am to my friend A, and partly mad at A for going to Am's mom L. What a tangled web we weave! This just makes me more sure than ever that while the idea of having a whole group of friends in your neighborhood is nice on the surface, I'm not sure if it's for me. My problem is that if I had tons of friends with young kids in our neighborhood, I'd always get jealous when they'd hang out together and not include me.