A "has-been" in the Pain Olympics

Six months ago, I joined the board of a professional marketing organization. Our bi-monthly meetings are an hour away, and I have been carpooling with another new board member in my area. She and I have spent about six hours alone in the car together, so we've been getting to know each other.

During our first trip, I made the huge foot-in-mouth mistake of asking her if she had children. She said no. Awkward pause. I've been beating myself up for that mistake ever since.

Yesterday, we were talking about houses, and she mentioned that when they moved into their current house, it was looking like the kid thing wasn't going to happen for them, which influenced their choices. I took a leap and asked whether the kid-less thing was by choice or not. That opened the floodgates, and we spent about 45 minutes talking about infertility treatments, doctors, etc. (She had gone through hell before finally giving up many years ago.) I revealed my past and present to her, and I think we both enjoyed comparing and contrasting experiences.

Except. I have a live child and she has just the memories of three miscarriages. While I wouldn't ordinarily talk about my current issues with somebody who has experienced much more heartbreak than me, the conversation just naturally went in that direction, and I expressed my frustration at having to deal with this new diagnosis. Later in the conversation, she said the inevitable to me: "Well, at least you do have a child."

And there it is. Of course she's right--I have no right to complain, especially not to her. I remember back before I had Tyler, and I came across the blog of a woman who was having difficulties conceiving her third child. I had no sympathy for her whatsoever, even when she wrote that she knew it sounded strange, but it grieved her knowing that her family was not complete.

I think that's the hard part for me right now. I feel frustrated while feeling guilty. Of course, I know that it's OK to want a second child, but my pain was so...defined....last time around. Now, it's much more complicated.

Even in the blogosphere, I considered visiting new blogs to find myself a new "community." I soon realized, however, that many of the people out there would have no sympathy for me whatsoever because I have a healthy toddler in my house.

I don't win in the Pain Olympics anymore. So do I just keep my mouth shut?

Back in the saddle

There's nothing quite like listening to a roomful of doctors discuss your uterus.

Oh hysterosalpinogram, how I've missed you so. Although to be truthful, this time around it didn't hurt nearly so much.

The two or three of you who have been checking in on me periodically must be wondering what's up with me. Here's the rundown, medically and emotionally. First, medically...

M and I have been trying for four cycles now, and zilch. After my last cycle was 7 weeks long, I went in for a reunion with Dr. Hot last week(who is looking a little grey in the temple, by the way). He was all set to start me on a Femara cycle, except that my routine bloodwork turned out to be not-so-routine. I have an underactive thyroid, which means I need to take meds to get me back in line, definitely through a pregnancy, and possibly for the rest of my life. What a bummer. I guess a hormone problem like this can really harm a pregnancy, so God was really watching out for me those months I was trying to get pregnant. It takes my breath away thinking how I dodged a bullet. Yet, even while my brain knows it was a good thing I haven't gotten pregnant yet, my heart is really, really frustrated that it could be several months before I can even start trying again.

Emotionally, I'm starting to feel all the same envy as last time. Although, I have to admit it's not nearly as bad this time around. It does suck, though, because all the toddler play areas are filled with pregnant women. Everywhere I look, someone is knocked up! Honestly, people have just got to stop procreating. After my appointment with Dr. Hot last week, my friend revealed she's 11 weeks pregnant with an "oops" baby--her third. (She didn't know where I'd been.) Talk about rubbing salt in the wound.

During my HSG this morning, there was a question about whether my uterus was mishapen, which was why all the doctors were discussing it. It turned out to be nothing, but man, was I nervous.

Ugh. So here I am, in the trenches again. You may have noticed I am no longer a private blog. I decided, to hell with it. If someone I know is reading this blog, welcome to my private thoughts!

I'm going to try my best to post more often now, so stay tuned!

CD1

Bleh.

I can't help myself. I already have visions of myself a year from now, still trying and wondering whether it would be better to go for infertility treatments, adoption or just let it be and be happy with one kid.

Logically, I know I'm being silly. It's only been two cycles! But frankly, I'm just not used to this cycle roller coaster. My problem is supposed to be ovulating--not conceiving in general. I think that deep down, I'm almost hoping that I start having trouble ovulating again, because then I can legitimately seek help right away, instead of waiting, waiting, waiting.

Honestly, I had forgotten how maddening trying to conceive can be.

But.

There's Tyler. And although he was teething and had a cold for Christmas, he is now just as cute as can be, happily playing in one of our storage containers with a wrapping paper roll.

And while I'm envious of other women who are pregnant right now, and I'm impatient, and just a teeny bit worried...it's not painful. It doesn't hit me in the pit of my stomach like it did three years ago.

I'm still here, waiting...

Sheesh. Even when I'm trying to conceive, I can't manage to update my blog on a regular basis.

So--the update. In short, I'm not pregnant. The long story--right around the time I last posted, I started experiencing severe insomnia problems. I've have sleep anxiety issues for about two years now, but it really reached a head. I took meds to sleep, but I knew I couldn't continue taking them during pregnancy. That in itself stressed me out. I was getting terrible sleep and had side effects from the meds, so two weeks ago, I decided to stop cold turkey. I had a really rough week, but I'm getting better, and I feel terrific being free of the meds.

What does this have to do with trying to conceive? For the most part, I've stopped taking my temperature. It stresses me out in the morning, and it simply wasn't worth it. So this cycle, I decided to play the guessing game and just let things take their course (for a woman with PCOS, this is quite the leap of faith!). I actually felt myself ovulate this cycle (on time!), so now I'm in the 2ww. It's funny--last cycle I ovulated, but didn't get pregnant. Believe it or not, that's only happened to me once before. For me, the challenge has always been to ovulate. Once that happens, I have no difficulty getting pregnant. Now, in the back of my mind, I wonder, What if my issues change, and I can't get pregnant even while ovulating? What if I use up my couple of "normal" cycles, don't get pregnant and then can't ovulate again?

Oy. For as much as I try to convince myself I'm relaxed, I think there's a part of me that's just waiting for the opportunity to panic again.

Back to the beginning

So here I am again. Back in the world of temperature taking. Back in the land of being anxious first thing in the morning because I wonder what I'll see on the thermometer.

And the funny part? It's only CD14.

Yes, we're trying for a second baby. And true to form, I've managed to get myself completely crazy over it.

The questions swirling around in my head right now?
1. Will I actually ovulate this first cycle after going off the Pill? And will it be in a relatively timely fashion? If history is any indication of the future, yes, I will. But what if things go all wonky again?
2. How long do I wait before I say "uncle" and call the infertility doc and ask for some good ol' Femara?
3. And if I do take the Femara, am I really that comfortable with it? Last time I took it, we conceived a baby with no kidneys. And do I really believe the peri who says that the two things are completely unrelated?

Goodness. I didn't anticipate I'd be a basket case even before things got interesting.

And then...there's the fantasy. That God would grant us one good cycle after the Pill, and we'd get pregnant right away. Problem is, I'm staking a lot of hope in that fantasy. The higher you reach, the harder you fall.

And this, my friends, is why I find myself, once again, in IF blogland. Because you are the only ones who truly understand all this mess of crazy.

The skinny

It has occurred to me that while I post here from time to time, I haven't really given you a full update on my day-to-day life in a long time. And I think there are still a few of you out there (my die-hard readers!) checking back occasionally. So here goes:

I have managed to build quite a successful freelancing business. I got a rocky, panic-filled start last winter, but at this point I mostly have as much writing work (mostly healthcare copywriting) as I want. At least, I have enough that I don't see the need to actively look for more work. I love what I do, and it's hard for me to believe that I'm able to meet my financial goals while still staying at home with Tyler.

When I'm not working or playing with Tyler, my husband and I are also youth group leaders at our church and I'm a board member with our local Mothers & More group. I am careful not to turn into one of those Stepford Wives mothers, but I do like to stay active. A year ago, I was quite bored with the stay-at-home mom life, but now I feel like I've built a nice little life for us.

That's not to say that there aren't bad days--or weeks. There are frustrations, jealousies, hurt feelings, feelings of inadequacy--you name it.

But mostly, I'm happy.

On the baby front, we don't plan on even trying for at least a year. But I already have a plan: Next spring, I will go on the Pill. Late next fall or early next winter, I will stop taking the Pill and hope my body gives me one or two semi-normal cycles (if the past is any indication of the future, I'll probably get at least one cycle that's less than 2 months long). If that doesn't work, then I'll go back on Femara. I'm not looking forward to it, and part of me wants to do it now just to see if we can conceive. But 2 kids under 2 is not my idea of a good time, so I just need to patiently wait.

I think that's about it for now. For a writer, this post wasn't very eloquent, I admit. But it's functional, right?

If you want to follow along in a bit more detail, e-mail me at bearnest at wi dot rr dot com and I'll add you as a Facebook friend. Then you'll get the bonus of seeing my gorgeous picture!

Random poll

OK, I need your help to understand something.

My friend, who is 26 and from a small town in Tennessee, has no knowledge of children's books and rhymes that I have known about for years. I'm trying to figure out if a)it's a regional thing; b)it's an age thing, or c)she and her family are just "out of it."

Since you all are different ages and from different parts of the country, you can help me!

Have you ever heard of the rhyme, "Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" or the book, "The Monster at the End of This Book?" Because she hasn't, and it's hard for me to believe.