Happy

I could write about how frustrating it is that Tyler has changed up his routine in the past week (a growth spurt perhaps?), or how he spits up so much we've had to find more bibs and burp cloths, or about how my aches and pains are getting worse, but really, that's all just par for the course. The truth is that at this moment, I'm just insanely happy, and for the first time in a long time complaining just really isn't on the agenda.

I'm preparing to start my freelance career in January, and already I have several gigs lined up. It's funny, because a few of them are with the health system I have worked for! I'm realizing that my biggest problem with my new part-time career will not be finding enough work, but finding enough time for the work that comes my way. That's a great problem to have.

I went to a baby group last week and I got asked out! No, not by a potential mate, of course, but by a much more difficult thing to find--a potential friend. The woman, C, has a 6-month-old and probably lives about 20 minutes from my house. I know this sounds silly, but this is exactly what I have been waiting for for a long time--making friends with other stay-at-home moms I meet at baby groups. It's a dream come true! And the best part is, I didn't even have to make the first move. We exchanged phone numbers and agreed to get together after the holidays. (Of course, I'm going to have to figure out how to balance work and play dates.)

This Christmas is just so much better than last Christmas. It's nice that the biggest issue on my mind right now is the incredible amount of snow that's been falling in the Midwest.

Priorities

I had this grand plan to go to a free mommy and me yoga class this morning at a maternity store about 20-25 minutes from my house.

Tyler woke up for his first feeding of the day at about 7:45 a.m. This is perfect, I thought. Hopefully, he'll sleep till at least 10:30, I can pile him in the car seat, he'll sleep in the car on the way over, then I can feed him again at the store while we wait for the class to start.

Except. Just as I was blow drying my hair and preparing to pack the diaper bag at about 10:20, I heard a cry. Tyler was awake and hungry. That's OK, I told myself as I quickly prepared the bottle, I can still feed him, leave home by 11 a.m. and make it in time for the class. He just might be a little crankier after getting a catnap in the car.

As I tried my best to encourage him to take the bottle quickly (note: nothing can encourage a baby to eat more quickly if he wants to take his good old time about it), I watched the clock and became more and more stressed. We were going to be late, and it was only an hour-long class!

Then I looked at my son as he took a little break from his feeding. He looked relaxed, and happy, and perfectly content lying down in Mommy's lap.

This is what I have been waiting for for so long.

To hell with yoga, and stress, and schedules.

This is our time, and nothing will take that away from us.

Resolution - finally

The day after I wrote my last post, I started bottle feeding. It was the best thing I could have done.

I think it was a conversation with my mom that was the breaking point. She said to me, "I can't believe you've been this patient for this long. You have worked so hard on this." I realized that I had, indeed, done just about everything I could to continue breastfeeding Tyler, and that no one would blame me if I stopped. So, with the pedi's blessing, I have switched to mostly formula, with a bit of breast milk thrown in (I pump three times a day now). Yes, it would be nice if I could feed Tyler completely on pumped breast milk, but that simply isn't possible with my milk supply. (And before any of you suggest that I pump more often, I barely get anything pumping 7 or 8 times a day--maybe an ounce a pumping. And...OWWW!)

Tyler is thriving. I finally caved and bought 8-ounce bottles. He's going to start getting 5 ounces, because at 7 weeks, 4 already isn't enough for him. I think he's thrilled that he's finally getting enough to eat.

And now, I can actually play with him and enjoy his precious baby-ness! It's getting so much more fun every day to watch him. He's smiling more and more. My biggest problem these days is managing the vast amounts of spit-up he produces.

And if that's my biggest problem, I'm doing pretty darned good.

Conflicted

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes.

I just don't know what to do. I have been breastfeeding for six weeks, and trying so, so hard to give my son what he needs. I use a supplemental feeding system. I work hard during the feeding to try to keep Tyler interested. I pump after every feeding. I take Fenugreek three times a day. I take goat's rue (an herb) four times a day (and that's not an easy one to take, because I can't drink anything for 20 minutes before and 20 minutes after taking it).

Yet why do I feel like it's just not worth it?

According to the pedi's scale, Tyler gained 7 ounces in 7 days. Great, right? Except two days later, I weighed him on the lactation support group scale, and he only weighed 3 1/2 ounces more than he had the week before on the same scale. WTF? How can that be?

Yet it's not even the weight, specifically. It's the worry. Every week, I wonder if he's getting enough. Half of his feedings, he doesn't seem terribly interested, and I end the feeding wondering if he's getting enough. I look at him and wonder if he's too small.

I'm so sick of worrying.

I saw my OB for my 6-week appt. last Friday. Even she told me that the greatest benefits of breastfeeding are to be had within the first month. Yet I get the distinct impression that the pedi doesn't want me to give up.

I'm trying so hard, and yet I still cry every other day.

It's like losing your virginity. You can always make the choice to lose it, but once you've lost it you can never go back.

I have invested so much in this breastfeeding gig. How can I just give up?

But it is such a relief when we give Tyler a bottle, because I know exactly how much he's getting.

I don't want the world to judge me because I'm not breastfeeding my son.

(Can you tell I'm going crazy here?)

Weight and other matters

Goodness, I just realized I haven't updated all of you on the weight issue. It really is true what they say about time passing you by...

The good news is that Tyler gained 8 ounces in one week--one ounce more than expected. The doctor was happy. He told me that Tyler could see him in one week if I was nervous, or two weeks if I felt good about things.

I scheduled another appointment for this Monday.

Here's why: When I went to a lactation support group on Wednesday, their scale showed he only gained .3 ounces in two days. Yes, I know different scales can show different amounts. However, it was enough to freak me out--that and the handout the lactation consultant gave me that said Tyler should be eating between 3 and 4 ounces at each feeding. I have reason to believe that he's getting less than an ounce from me, and no more than 2 ounces of supplement.

So, I want another weigh-in. I fear that this one won't be so positive.

Much like when I was going through infertility treatments, I now have a back-up plan for if this appointment doesn't go well. I'm going to ask the pedi about exclusively bottle feeding and pumping afterwards (basically, I'd end up doing a combo of formula and breast milk, like I'm doing now, except I'd know exactly what he's getting). You might think that sounds cumbersome, except, I'm already pumping after each feeding, so I'd just be substituting the bottle for the breast.

I am just so sick of massaging my breasts and not feeling any fullness--only drops of milk coming out. It's incredibly frustrating for me. Boy, PCOS is the gift that just keeps on giving (although, all pregnant PCOS-ers out there shouldn't be terribly concerned, because low milk supply is a condition that only affects some of us; thus, I'm living up to the name of my blog again).

In other news (yes, I am capable of occasionally thinking of something besides feeding), I am happy to say that I am establishing, if not a routine, then at least a general guideline for Tyler's daytime naps. I can often put him down for a nap and he doesn't cry at all! Yay me! And yay for time to get things done around the house!

Although I have to say that with washing dishes and changing diapers and clothes, my back is killing me...

The new norm

I had intended on writing a remembrance of last year every day last week. But, as it often does, life got in the way.

This past week has been...hard. A close relative's death, a very, very long car trip with a 4-week-old, a weight scare and subsequent crazy feeding schedule for that same 4-week-old, family drama--I am extremely glad that this week appears to be relatively routine.

After finding out Tyler wasn't gaining enough weight on Monday, I went to a new parent support group on Tuesday. I was the only one who showed up. When the facilitator asked how things were going, I burst into tears. In short order, she had found two lactation consultants who kindly took time to watch me feed Tyler. They confirmed that I wasn't making enough milk and put me on a feeding regiment that goes something like this:

Mix up formula and put it into a supplemental feeder (a tube that attaches to my shoulder and goes down to my nip.ple). Feed Tyler both with my milk and with the supplemental formula that he is getting while s.uckin.g on my nipp.le (written that way so I don't get perverts on my site). When we are finished, pump for 10 minutes for additional nipple stimulation. Store whatever I get from pumping and use it for the next feeding session, which will probably be in two hours.

The whole process takes nearly an hour. These days, Tyler is feeding every two hours, which means that I am dedicating literally half my waking hours just to feeding him.

Complicated? Certainly. And that's before we introduce the road trip into the whole process.

M was such a trooper. He's a meticulous guy to begin with, and he had us so incredibly organized with the pump, the supplemental feeder, the formula, the nursery water, the bottle warmer (both regular and car), the accessories, and the dishwashing paraphrenalia. I could never have done it without him. Although I didn't particularly enjoy pulling into McDonald's parking lots, finding the most out-of-the-way parking space there and spending the next hour and 15 minutes trying to feed, eat, pump and change Tyler in the most efficient way possible.

The visitation and funeral went as well as can be expected. My uncle is an ass, and he was terrible to my mother. But my grandmother loved meeting Tyler and our niece, and I think they were the one bright spot for her in this whole terrible week.

I've run out of time to post--got to feed again! Yes, this is my life, and I definitely can't take this long-term. But we have a weigh-in this afternoon, so I'll update later.

November 3

The day after Zach's diagnosis, I was scheduled to play a concert in a mall with my community handbell choir. I chose to go ahead with my commitment, partly because it would have been impossible to replace me, and partly because I needed a distraction. I e-mailed the choir members on Friday, asking them not to mention my pregnancy at all. They complied. I made it through the concert, but only after working hard to keep my emotions in check amidst all the music (music always makes me cry).

Today was supposed to be a decent day with beautiful weather. Instead, it turned into an incredibly sucky day. My grandpa died this morning. It wasn't unexpected; he's 93 and he's been ill for quite some time. Still, you can never prepare for the death of a family member. He lived 8 hours away from us, so that means we'll be traveling that distance with a 3-week-old. With stops for feeding, it's going to be a looong trip--not to mention a very, very sad one.

Then, at Tyler's pedi appointment, I found out he's only gained 6 ounces in 2 weeks. I had suspected he wasn't getting enough food. So now I have to supplement with formula. I know many have had to do this, but I'm still so disappointed that I can't make all the milk he needs. I have a whole new world of worry now.