About seven months ago, I remember telling my mother how bad I felt and how hard it was to imagine that I would be happy again. She told me that the grief would get easier with time, and that all I could do at the present moment was wait for time to pass.
Well, time has passed, and I do feel much, much more at peace with how things turned out with Zach. But why?
I may have mentioned this before, but as a kid I loved “Choose Your Own Adventure” books. It interested me to learn about the consequences of choices, and I enjoyed wading my way through the many different scenarios that could happen depending on which choices I made. By the time I was done with a book, I knew every possible ending and every possible path. In the Choose Your Own Adventure world, at least, I was omnipotent.
Real life isn’t like that. I will never know what my grief process would have been like if I had not become pregnant shortly after losing Zach. I probably wouldn’t want to know.
All I can work with is how I feel right now:
In many ways, the events of last November seem like a distant memory to me. When I think about the weeks spent doing nothing but watching TV and eating Butterfingers and Snickers, my heart breaks. When I think about the shopping trip with my mom during which I wandered aimlessly along the thoroughfare of the outlet mall, with no real desire to enter any stores, I can’t imagine how terrible I must have been feeling.
For about three or four months after losing Zach, I had no desire to make any real effort to get together with friends. And yes, part of that time came after I found out I was pregnant, but my pregnancy wasn’t “real” to me until after we found out there were kidneys.
Now, I’m back to my old self—I scan the weekends as I talk to friends, plotting which evenings are best for visiting which friends.
No, scratch that—I’m back to my new self, which is to say that while I still do the things I did before, I look at the world a little differently. When we found out last Saturday that the power was out at the restaurant M’s grandma had chosen to celebrate her 60th wedding anniversary, I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Well, this family has experienced much worse occasions of things not going according to plan.” Even this morning, when I was silently cursing the fact that my days at work are feeling longer and more monotonous, I felt a couple of kicks and reminded myself that monotony can often be my friend.
Does grief get easier with time? For me, it has—and as a bonus, it has made me into a better person.
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10 comments:
Going through black times is a bit like having a serious physical illness (or even something like the flu). When you start feeling better, you remember how bad you felt, but it feels foreign and unreal now, while when you were in it, it felt like it would never end.
I'm glad you have found your new old self.
My husband will tell me that the time after my ectopic was the worst time we had to deal with as a couple. I know he is right (the miscarraige.... it's like I was ready for it or something). But looking back - I can't imagine crying for days on end like I did. I never want to have to go back to that place.
I feel similiar, 7 months later I feel so much better. Never the same again, but it does get easier to carry this grief with me daily.
I am glad you are feeling good, hun. You deserve it.
As hard as it is to believe when your in the midst of it, hardships can lead to good in the end. I'm glad you are back to your old but improved self.
I am glad to hear about the new you. I am glad you have opened up and let happiness come in. Zach will always be remembered and that is what is important, not the endless sadness.
And you are right the power going out at the restaurant is not nearly as bad as other things the family has endured. SOmetimes it is good to have moment of snapping back to reality to put everything into perspective.
Thank you for sharing this post. I am still actively grieving the daughter I lost in Feb. but it's encouraging to hear a real-life story of sun on the other side of the clouds.
Wow, you sound good. I'm so happy to hear it.
I'm glad the grief has eased up. It has for me as well (although my situation was different from yours). I do think time and distance can help with healing. Also, having new things to be joyful about helps to...
I hope your pg continues to go well!
I can't relate and I'm sorry to say (to you) that I hope I never ever will. But, I'm really glad to see this post. I'm happy for you. :)
Glad you're feeling like a new person after all you've been through.
Grief does have an important and powerful way of cleansing ... it certainly has for me.
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