I have officially crossed over to the Dark Side: I just joined Facebook.
In many ways, Facebook is the exact opposite of the blogging world I have been a part of for almost 2 years (has it really been that long???).
I have met none of you in person.
I know everybody with whom I have contact on Facebook.
Here, I share my deepest, darkest thoughts.
About the most that anybody in the Facebook world knows about my struggle to build a family is that I have a 3-month-old son.
And that's the weird part. See, everyone in my daily life--both friends and most acquaintances--knows about our tragedy in November 2007. We may not talk about it much, but the knowledge is still there. Yet all these long-ago acquaintances on Facebook have no idea. They just see Tyler's smiling face; not all the hurt and devastation that came before Tyler. The loss of Zach is so much a part of me, it's difficult to communicate with people who know nothing about it. And yet, I know I can't include it on my Facebook page because a)it's way too depressing; b)people would feel obligated to give their condolences, and I don't need that; and c)I don't want to open myself up to judgment from people I barely know anymore.
Who ever thought that Facebook would elicit such deep, self-searching thoughts in me?
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Aunt Flo
I got my period today.
On a practical note, I was completely unprepared for my period. I guess it should have occurred to me that I should be stocking up on tampons, just in case, but it didn't. I begged Mark to stop by Target on his way home from work (we still have Target gift cards from when Tyler was born; I just didn't think I'd be using them on tampons!).
On an emotional note, I'm thrilled. Now I can begin my science experiment. Let me take you back a year: Just two months after my pregnancy ended, I became miraculously pregnant a second time with Tyler. I chalked it up to pregnancy straightening out my hormones. The big question: Is my PCOS "cured?" Now, I will actually be able to see if my ovulation last January was a fluke, or a taste of things to come. This will give me a better idea of whether we will need to return to treatment when we decide to try for a second child.
On a practical note, I was completely unprepared for my period. I guess it should have occurred to me that I should be stocking up on tampons, just in case, but it didn't. I begged Mark to stop by Target on his way home from work (we still have Target gift cards from when Tyler was born; I just didn't think I'd be using them on tampons!).
On an emotional note, I'm thrilled. Now I can begin my science experiment. Let me take you back a year: Just two months after my pregnancy ended, I became miraculously pregnant a second time with Tyler. I chalked it up to pregnancy straightening out my hormones. The big question: Is my PCOS "cured?" Now, I will actually be able to see if my ovulation last January was a fluke, or a taste of things to come. This will give me a better idea of whether we will need to return to treatment when we decide to try for a second child.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Obsessed
A friend pointed out something to me tonight that I should have realized a while ago: I have OCD when it comes to caring for my son.
The reason I should have realized this is because I was obsessive when we were TTC and when I was pregnant, so why shouldn't I be the same way with raising a child?
Tyler is a sleeper. As in, he still sleeps about 18 hours a day. At nearly three months old. And for the past 5 of 7 days, he has slept through the night.
All this is absolutely wonderful and makes for lots of free time for me. I'm certainly not complaining.
Except.
Tyler still seems to need 6 feedings a day, which he takes between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. And he sleeps in between every feeding. Which means that he usually takes about 5 naps a day, some of which are only an hour long. This means that my day is full of countless wakings and putting-downs.
The simple solution to this would be to decrease his number of feedings. But he won't do it. I tried for a few days to give him 6 ounces at each feeding, but he would never finish his bottle and he always wanted a 6th feeding at night.
Can you sense the OCD yet?
I know I should just relax and go with the flow. But it's really hard to do when you have all these outside forces expressing shock at your baby's sleep habits. My in-laws are especially frustrated because he's not awake long enough for their liking. They babysat for him on Saturday and my MIL kept track of his feedings and sleeping. He was up for almost 2 hours after one feeding! I know exactly what happened: He started to fuss, and rather than put him down, my MIL decided to just hold him.
Grandparents.
I think I need to jumpstart my freelancing career so I have something to think about besides my son's sleep habits.
(And yes, I just bought Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child and am enjoying it. Please don't suggest any more books on sleeping, because I have had it with so many different opinions!)
The reason I should have realized this is because I was obsessive when we were TTC and when I was pregnant, so why shouldn't I be the same way with raising a child?
Tyler is a sleeper. As in, he still sleeps about 18 hours a day. At nearly three months old. And for the past 5 of 7 days, he has slept through the night.
All this is absolutely wonderful and makes for lots of free time for me. I'm certainly not complaining.
Except.
Tyler still seems to need 6 feedings a day, which he takes between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. And he sleeps in between every feeding. Which means that he usually takes about 5 naps a day, some of which are only an hour long. This means that my day is full of countless wakings and putting-downs.
The simple solution to this would be to decrease his number of feedings. But he won't do it. I tried for a few days to give him 6 ounces at each feeding, but he would never finish his bottle and he always wanted a 6th feeding at night.
Can you sense the OCD yet?
I know I should just relax and go with the flow. But it's really hard to do when you have all these outside forces expressing shock at your baby's sleep habits. My in-laws are especially frustrated because he's not awake long enough for their liking. They babysat for him on Saturday and my MIL kept track of his feedings and sleeping. He was up for almost 2 hours after one feeding! I know exactly what happened: He started to fuss, and rather than put him down, my MIL decided to just hold him.
Grandparents.
I think I need to jumpstart my freelancing career so I have something to think about besides my son's sleep habits.
(And yes, I just bought Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child and am enjoying it. Please don't suggest any more books on sleeping, because I have had it with so many different opinions!)
Friday, December 19, 2008
Happy
I could write about how frustrating it is that Tyler has changed up his routine in the past week (a growth spurt perhaps?), or how he spits up so much we've had to find more bibs and burp cloths, or about how my aches and pains are getting worse, but really, that's all just par for the course. The truth is that at this moment, I'm just insanely happy, and for the first time in a long time complaining just really isn't on the agenda.
I'm preparing to start my freelance career in January, and already I have several gigs lined up. It's funny, because a few of them are with the health system I have worked for! I'm realizing that my biggest problem with my new part-time career will not be finding enough work, but finding enough time for the work that comes my way. That's a great problem to have.
I went to a baby group last week and I got asked out! No, not by a potential mate, of course, but by a much more difficult thing to find--a potential friend. The woman, C, has a 6-month-old and probably lives about 20 minutes from my house. I know this sounds silly, but this is exactly what I have been waiting for for a long time--making friends with other stay-at-home moms I meet at baby groups. It's a dream come true! And the best part is, I didn't even have to make the first move. We exchanged phone numbers and agreed to get together after the holidays. (Of course, I'm going to have to figure out how to balance work and play dates.)
This Christmas is just so much better than last Christmas. It's nice that the biggest issue on my mind right now is the incredible amount of snow that's been falling in the Midwest.
I'm preparing to start my freelance career in January, and already I have several gigs lined up. It's funny, because a few of them are with the health system I have worked for! I'm realizing that my biggest problem with my new part-time career will not be finding enough work, but finding enough time for the work that comes my way. That's a great problem to have.
I went to a baby group last week and I got asked out! No, not by a potential mate, of course, but by a much more difficult thing to find--a potential friend. The woman, C, has a 6-month-old and probably lives about 20 minutes from my house. I know this sounds silly, but this is exactly what I have been waiting for for a long time--making friends with other stay-at-home moms I meet at baby groups. It's a dream come true! And the best part is, I didn't even have to make the first move. We exchanged phone numbers and agreed to get together after the holidays. (Of course, I'm going to have to figure out how to balance work and play dates.)
This Christmas is just so much better than last Christmas. It's nice that the biggest issue on my mind right now is the incredible amount of snow that's been falling in the Midwest.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Priorities
I had this grand plan to go to a free mommy and me yoga class this morning at a maternity store about 20-25 minutes from my house.
Tyler woke up for his first feeding of the day at about 7:45 a.m. This is perfect, I thought. Hopefully, he'll sleep till at least 10:30, I can pile him in the car seat, he'll sleep in the car on the way over, then I can feed him again at the store while we wait for the class to start.
Except. Just as I was blow drying my hair and preparing to pack the diaper bag at about 10:20, I heard a cry. Tyler was awake and hungry. That's OK, I told myself as I quickly prepared the bottle, I can still feed him, leave home by 11 a.m. and make it in time for the class. He just might be a little crankier after getting a catnap in the car.
As I tried my best to encourage him to take the bottle quickly (note: nothing can encourage a baby to eat more quickly if he wants to take his good old time about it), I watched the clock and became more and more stressed. We were going to be late, and it was only an hour-long class!
Then I looked at my son as he took a little break from his feeding. He looked relaxed, and happy, and perfectly content lying down in Mommy's lap.
This is what I have been waiting for for so long.
To hell with yoga, and stress, and schedules.
This is our time, and nothing will take that away from us.
Tyler woke up for his first feeding of the day at about 7:45 a.m. This is perfect, I thought. Hopefully, he'll sleep till at least 10:30, I can pile him in the car seat, he'll sleep in the car on the way over, then I can feed him again at the store while we wait for the class to start.
Except. Just as I was blow drying my hair and preparing to pack the diaper bag at about 10:20, I heard a cry. Tyler was awake and hungry. That's OK, I told myself as I quickly prepared the bottle, I can still feed him, leave home by 11 a.m. and make it in time for the class. He just might be a little crankier after getting a catnap in the car.
As I tried my best to encourage him to take the bottle quickly (note: nothing can encourage a baby to eat more quickly if he wants to take his good old time about it), I watched the clock and became more and more stressed. We were going to be late, and it was only an hour-long class!
Then I looked at my son as he took a little break from his feeding. He looked relaxed, and happy, and perfectly content lying down in Mommy's lap.
This is what I have been waiting for for so long.
To hell with yoga, and stress, and schedules.
This is our time, and nothing will take that away from us.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Resolution - finally
The day after I wrote my last post, I started bottle feeding. It was the best thing I could have done.
I think it was a conversation with my mom that was the breaking point. She said to me, "I can't believe you've been this patient for this long. You have worked so hard on this." I realized that I had, indeed, done just about everything I could to continue breastfeeding Tyler, and that no one would blame me if I stopped. So, with the pedi's blessing, I have switched to mostly formula, with a bit of breast milk thrown in (I pump three times a day now). Yes, it would be nice if I could feed Tyler completely on pumped breast milk, but that simply isn't possible with my milk supply. (And before any of you suggest that I pump more often, I barely get anything pumping 7 or 8 times a day--maybe an ounce a pumping. And...OWWW!)
Tyler is thriving. I finally caved and bought 8-ounce bottles. He's going to start getting 5 ounces, because at 7 weeks, 4 already isn't enough for him. I think he's thrilled that he's finally getting enough to eat.
And now, I can actually play with him and enjoy his precious baby-ness! It's getting so much more fun every day to watch him. He's smiling more and more. My biggest problem these days is managing the vast amounts of spit-up he produces.
And if that's my biggest problem, I'm doing pretty darned good.
I think it was a conversation with my mom that was the breaking point. She said to me, "I can't believe you've been this patient for this long. You have worked so hard on this." I realized that I had, indeed, done just about everything I could to continue breastfeeding Tyler, and that no one would blame me if I stopped. So, with the pedi's blessing, I have switched to mostly formula, with a bit of breast milk thrown in (I pump three times a day now). Yes, it would be nice if I could feed Tyler completely on pumped breast milk, but that simply isn't possible with my milk supply. (And before any of you suggest that I pump more often, I barely get anything pumping 7 or 8 times a day--maybe an ounce a pumping. And...OWWW!)
Tyler is thriving. I finally caved and bought 8-ounce bottles. He's going to start getting 5 ounces, because at 7 weeks, 4 already isn't enough for him. I think he's thrilled that he's finally getting enough to eat.
And now, I can actually play with him and enjoy his precious baby-ness! It's getting so much more fun every day to watch him. He's smiling more and more. My biggest problem these days is managing the vast amounts of spit-up he produces.
And if that's my biggest problem, I'm doing pretty darned good.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Conflicted
I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes.
I just don't know what to do. I have been breastfeeding for six weeks, and trying so, so hard to give my son what he needs. I use a supplemental feeding system. I work hard during the feeding to try to keep Tyler interested. I pump after every feeding. I take Fenugreek three times a day. I take goat's rue (an herb) four times a day (and that's not an easy one to take, because I can't drink anything for 20 minutes before and 20 minutes after taking it).
Yet why do I feel like it's just not worth it?
According to the pedi's scale, Tyler gained 7 ounces in 7 days. Great, right? Except two days later, I weighed him on the lactation support group scale, and he only weighed 3 1/2 ounces more than he had the week before on the same scale. WTF? How can that be?
Yet it's not even the weight, specifically. It's the worry. Every week, I wonder if he's getting enough. Half of his feedings, he doesn't seem terribly interested, and I end the feeding wondering if he's getting enough. I look at him and wonder if he's too small.
I'm so sick of worrying.
I saw my OB for my 6-week appt. last Friday. Even she told me that the greatest benefits of breastfeeding are to be had within the first month. Yet I get the distinct impression that the pedi doesn't want me to give up.
I'm trying so hard, and yet I still cry every other day.
It's like losing your virginity. You can always make the choice to lose it, but once you've lost it you can never go back.
I have invested so much in this breastfeeding gig. How can I just give up?
But it is such a relief when we give Tyler a bottle, because I know exactly how much he's getting.
I don't want the world to judge me because I'm not breastfeeding my son.
(Can you tell I'm going crazy here?)
I just don't know what to do. I have been breastfeeding for six weeks, and trying so, so hard to give my son what he needs. I use a supplemental feeding system. I work hard during the feeding to try to keep Tyler interested. I pump after every feeding. I take Fenugreek three times a day. I take goat's rue (an herb) four times a day (and that's not an easy one to take, because I can't drink anything for 20 minutes before and 20 minutes after taking it).
Yet why do I feel like it's just not worth it?
According to the pedi's scale, Tyler gained 7 ounces in 7 days. Great, right? Except two days later, I weighed him on the lactation support group scale, and he only weighed 3 1/2 ounces more than he had the week before on the same scale. WTF? How can that be?
Yet it's not even the weight, specifically. It's the worry. Every week, I wonder if he's getting enough. Half of his feedings, he doesn't seem terribly interested, and I end the feeding wondering if he's getting enough. I look at him and wonder if he's too small.
I'm so sick of worrying.
I saw my OB for my 6-week appt. last Friday. Even she told me that the greatest benefits of breastfeeding are to be had within the first month. Yet I get the distinct impression that the pedi doesn't want me to give up.
I'm trying so hard, and yet I still cry every other day.
It's like losing your virginity. You can always make the choice to lose it, but once you've lost it you can never go back.
I have invested so much in this breastfeeding gig. How can I just give up?
But it is such a relief when we give Tyler a bottle, because I know exactly how much he's getting.
I don't want the world to judge me because I'm not breastfeeding my son.
(Can you tell I'm going crazy here?)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)