Yesterday was Zach’s estimated due date. I didn’t post because, frankly, the date didn’t mean nearly as much to me as I thought it would. I seem to have “let go” of what was supposed to be. I can’t imagine being on maternity leave right now; waiting at nine months pregnant; being in labor; having my new baby in my arms. That life isn’t mine anymore. And so the only thing I did yesterday to mark the date was to go through the dozens of sympathy cards stowed away in Zach’s memory box.
No, my thoughts are more focused on the future. I can’t seem to find peace in these couple of weeks left before the kidney scan. People who know about the pregnancy smile sympathetically and say, Well of course you’re nervous, because you’ve already lost a baby in the second trimester. Actually, it’s more than that—my baby has a statistically higher chance of being diagnosed with bilateral renal agenesis than other people’s babies. I have broken down on a promise I made to myself and am working to get M in for an abdominal scan before our ultrasound. I want to know for sure how many kidneys he has. Because if he only has one, there is a 15 percent chance of recurrence. No, I can’t do anything about it now, but I want to go into that scan with a good idea of my chances for tragedy.
Even if M does have two kidneys, we still have a 1 to 3 percent chance of recurrence. Those odds are still not very comforting to me.
I had my 12-week appointment a couple of days ago. It’s very strange not to be comforted by the sound of the heartbeat. Well, yes, but what’s going on inside the baby? I find myself grasping at straws. The heartbeat was in the 150s, and that could mean the baby is a girl, and girls have a smaller chance of having bilateral renal agenesis.
It has occurred to me that even if this baby is healthy, I will still have all the same worries in a future pregnancy. Because what’s to say that a random genetic mutation won’t skip a gestation and show up in the next child?
I’m trying to remain distant from this pregnancy, referring to it as a “medical condition.” But how can I keep from getting excited when every week, ever so slowly, my belly is starting to expand?
UPDATE: M called me at work this morning with this greeting: "Well, it would appear that I have a left kidney.....and a right kidney." Jerk. He made my heart drop with the first part of his sentence. :)
So no unilateral renal agenesis in our family. Our risk of recurrence is 1 to 3 percent, not 15.
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26 comments:
I'm sorry Ann. I can see your struggles and it breaks my heart.
I am continuing to pray for peace for you leading up to the 11th and the rest of your pregnancy...Keeping you in my thoughs!!!
Oh, that's so hard. Odds are nothing just numbers, but it's so hard to not put so much store in them.
Mr. Spit and I stopped into a lovely french Catholic Church on Monday, and I lit a candle for Zach.
Praying for peace, and that you can just get through these days as best you can.
I know it's hard and there is no right answer, but I don't think you should fight being excited. Losing a child can never be anything but what it is, so I don't think letting yourself get attached would make it worse. Be hopeful, be happy. Enjoy this time with this new little life.
I am praying for you.
All your worries are so valid. Anyone in your shoes would have undergone the same roller coaster of emotions - trying to keep a distance and simultaneously stifling excitement.
Wish you the best in your scan.
Well I am hoping the next appointment goes well and all organs are intact and functioning. Hugs to you as your abdomen expands yet you wait with caution.
I am with the others in hoping incredibly hard that you can find some peace in the next two weeks, and that the 11th brings you happiness and comfort.
And I'm so sorry about Zach. I'm glad that you are able to let go to some extent, while still keeping him close to your heart.
There is nothing simple about your predicament, so I can see how one minute you'd feel hopeful and happy, and the next you'd be filled with dread. My guess is until you receive good news from the anatomy scan, this is likely the way it will continue to be.
Thinking of you and wishing that the time leading up to the anatomy scan flies.
I have been thinking of you, M and Zach all week.
I know there is not much I can say to ease your mind as your scan draws nearer. I wish you peace.
Thinking of you & Zach today, & sending prayers & positive thoughts for a good scan. (((hugs)))
When I was quoted my risk of recurrence (about 4%) I was told, 'Isn't that good, it's so low!'
I simply pointed out that the risk of Down's was 1:600 at my age and everybody medical thought I'd be nuts not to worry about THAT enough to screen for it. 4% is a lot more than one in a bunch of hundreds.
I hope you get good news, soon.
J
Odds are not just numbers to me. To me they are a possibility and fucking scary. I get that Ann and I am so incredibly sorry that you have to think about all of this.
You past, present and future is wrapped up in bilateral renal agenesis.
What is hardest is that you are so aware of this and those around you may try and fluff the reality.
I am glad to read that you’re looking towards the future! I hope that time goes by fast and that you can get the great news that you baby is healthy and you can just enjoy your pregnancy
HUGS
I am always afraid to post, afraid I'll say the wrong thing, because I really don't know how you're feeling right now. But...
Does being scared mean you can't be excited? I certainly don't blame you for being apprehensive, and I'm looking forward to hearing how it goes on the 11th (and hoping you feel better then). But I hope you can be excited, too, and not miss out on that because you're also scared. Does that make sense?
Ann... thank you for that awesome update. Wishing you a good day.
I am so glad he has both! I mean 1 to 3 percent is better than 15 percent although I certainly understand any percentage sucks in general.
So happy to read your update! Very encouraging news. I am praying that your current little one will stay healthy and strong. XOXO
What a wonderful update! I am thinking of you and hoping for the best for you and your little one.
Yes! I am so glad to hear that. It doesn't remove the fear, but I hope it's a bit easier to bear.
Praying for you.
Oy, what a tough few weeks (practicing patience) you have ahead. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Glad to hear that the % chance dropped! I know that doesn't make it OK, but maybe a little bit easier.
I don't think anyone expects that you should be less scared or less sure that it will be OK. I would be a basket case, I'm sure.
We're rooting for you - all of us.
I believe until your little on is placed in your arms and you confirm by count 10 fingers, toes, and all the other parts he/she is to have that you will continue to worry. Going through a loss be it early, late, or a child who walked the Earth changes us. We loose our ability to be naive and just KNOW that everything will be all right. Still without hope, we would be lost...and a new baby is hope...
thinking about you and M and praying very hard that this time you have a full term pregnancy and a healthy baby at the end.
I'm so glad the odds are more in your favor and I hope, hope, hope that your upcoming scan shows two lovely perfect kidneys.
So glad to hear the risk is low. I definitely that it's hard to get excited yet, after all you've been through.
I'm sorry this is so difficult -- It sucks that pregnancy can never be worry free again. My fingers are crossed for a good scan for you.
I just can't imagine the place you're in. I'm so happy to hear your chances have gone down, but it's still all so scary when you've seen it before. Hang in there.
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