I found out last week that my friend AW was pregnant. I viewed it as a sign of progress that I was excited for her, rather than upset. I shared my news with her, as well, and we gabbed about the symptoms of early pregnancy.
There was a problem, however: Her dates were way off. Her OB practice brings patients in at 7 weeks as a matter of course (!), but when she came in they couldn’t find a heartbeat. The baby was measuring behind. They proceeded to bring her in for a couple of ultrasounds a week (!) until they found a heartbeat. I'm sure they figured she had just ovulated late. By the time she told me her news, she was comfortable with how things were progressing. Yet I spent the week puzzling over how very far behind in dates she was.
It turns out I was right to be concerned. At her ultrasound last Saturday morning she found out the baby’s heart rate had gone down. Her doctor told her to prepare for the worst. That afternoon she experienced a small amount of bleeding, yet we still went ahead with plans to get together that night. Over the course of our evening together, we both believe she was in the process of having a miscarriage. She was probably between 6 and 7 weeks pregnant, even though she got her BFP about a month and a half ago.
This was my first time experiencing a loss IRL that wasn’t mine. I had heard about a few friends’ miscarriages, but only well after the fact. This was a surreal experience. As all of you well know, I’m not exactly in a great place about my own loss yet, so I can’t exactly become a wise comforter to another who is experiencing loss. But I can offer empathy. Oh, yes, there was loads and loads of empathy over the course of our evening. Actually, she ended up offering some comforting words to me as I talked about my feelings following our loss. (You see, this was the first time she and I had gotten together without our husbands since well before we lost Zach. We live two hours away from each other.)
She was feeling bad about what was happening but she wasn’t in what I would call “bad shape.” In a way, even though I too have experienced a loss, I wasn’t sure how to relate to her. I am still deeply affected by our loss, but then again I had had the chance to feel our baby kick, give birth to him and hold him in my arms.
After that experience, I have come to the conclusion that crappy things do happen in this world, and not just to us. How’s that for a philosophy?
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9 comments:
One of my favorite bible verses, especially since we started dealing with infertility, is Matthew 5:45 -- "...He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the just and the unjust."
Good things and bad things happen to everyone, not because someone has done something special that deserves reward or something evil that deserves punishment. I'm still working to internalize that, but it's been a first step for me towards self-forgiveness.
Oh Ann, you DO have so much to offer your friend as far as comfort and I'm sure your friend is so glad to have you. I know I would. I'm sorry for your friend's loss and that it brings it close to home for you.
It is so hard to watch someone suffering and not know what to do. Although your experience was not the same as hers, I am sure she was glad to have someone with her who could relate in a way.
Man...that stinks. You will find a way to offer support and comfort and she will find a way to accept it...sigh...
I'm so sorry about your friend. :( She is lucky to have you as comfort.
It is true, bad stuff happens. And it seems pretty indescriminate to me.
I'm sorry for your friends loss,
J
You know, after loosing Gabriel, I learned to say ^#&* happens, and this time it happened to Mr. Spit and I. I could speak about living in a fallen world, I could talk about the effects of sin, but the really honest answer deep from within my heart was what you said, bad things happen, to all sorts of people who don't deserve them. Although, loosing a child is so terrible, I'm not sure who would deserve that.
I think you have it about right. Sorry for your friend.
A friend of mine had a similar pregnancy/loss experience a few months back. I pretty much came to the same conclusion you did -- sh*t happens to everyone.
I'm glad you were able to be there for her.
Great philosphy. Very true. Always will be unfortunately.
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