I had been psyching myself up to attend my new nephew’s baptism, which I knew would be sometime in the next couple of months. It would be hard, I told myself, but I would regret it if I skipped this event.
On the other hand, I had pretty much come to the conclusion that I wanted to be by myself (with M) on Mother’s Day. I just couldn’t stand being around my SIL and her kids.
M just found out yesterday that his sister wants to schedule the baptism for Mother’s Day. Apparently, they were trying to work around Tax Day (SIL’s husband is an accountant) and our vacation to the UK in late April, so they arrived on the May 11 date.
I simply cannot handle this. I know how churches are on Mother’s Day—pastors usually base their sermons around the theme. I am supposed to lead a children’s handbell choir at our church that morning, but I feel safe in our church. Many of the people—including the pastors—know what happened to us and I know everyone will be extra sensitive.
But being around M’s happy family during this happy time, on Mother’s Day, is too much for me. There is no decision to make—if they decide to keep the baptism on May 11, I will not be there.
M gets the fun job of telling his sister that. He spoke to his mother last night, who understands our position but said that SIL is pretty hormonal right now. Add that to her ordinary bitchiness and you get a nightmare. So M and I discussed gentle ways we could give her this news.
I suppose the worst thing that could happen is that she could forever hold this against me. Oh well.
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20 comments:
Honestly, it's not your problem, in my opinion. Protect yourself, your heart and your feelings. And even if she is initially upset, when she gains an ounce of logic, she will realize that this has nothing to do with her and her child, and everything to do with you and your loss. Take the time you need for yourself. And the people that truly love you will understand and support you.
I really hope she doesn't force the issue, but you absolutely should not feel compelled to go. The idea is to have friends and relatives there to celebrate a happy occasion, and if the timing is not right for you to join in the celebration, there's no reason to consider going. You will have plenty of time to welcome your nephew into the family at another point.
I'd lie and say you aren't cleared to travel, and then when you go on your vacation you can say the doctor cleared you to travel for that. But that's how I am. I wouldn't go either if I wouldn't be comfortable.
You know, if she has a problem with it, she can just suck it up. You need to do what's right for you.
I can understand why attending a baptism on Mother's Day would be very difficult. I do not blame you one bit for not wanting to attend such an event on that day. Mother's day will be hard enough without putting on a happy face for all the insensitive relatives or strangers.
If you absolutley need a reason, you can talk about your prior commitments with the hand bell performance but just saying you won't be there on that day should be enough.
Oh. My. God. You've got to be kidding. Talk about a double whammy. Talk about total insensitivity.
You have my vote on this one. I really don't see how any reasonable person could expect you to attend a baptism on Mother's Day. Yikes!!!
I totally agree with PPs. You have to do what feels right and would she REALLY appreciate it if you went and made yourself suffer like that? She should be thrilled you would consider to come at all, IMHO. It is unfair to expect you to come on a day that would obviously be difficult for you.
I hope she doesn't cause a stink over this and can step outside of herself for a minute.
Here's my opinion: Your responsibility (or M's) is to tell her nicely and sensitively. Personally, I'd be honest, but it's up to you. Her responsibility is to deal with it. If she can't, know that you did your part.
You can't help if you already have a prior engagement. Your handbell kids need you there.
If she has a problem with that, it is her problem.
Sometimes self protection must come first. And given what you've been through, I think its completely understandable.
Golly, I haven't even thought about mother's day--how ghastly.
Take good care of yourself. I hope your SIL surprises you with her understanding and sensitivity. Or someone else deals with her. ;)
I think that you should protect yourself. Your loved ones should understand!
Hugs
I agree with the others, you have a previous commitment. And if she really needs more details, you can give them. Honestly, there will be plenty of people there, I really don't see why she should be upset at all. But that's me being rational :-p
That is totally insensitive of your SIL...but we already know sensitivity is not her strong suit. I am glad your husband is in agreement with you that it is too much...I am glad you will be at your own church around true friends that care about you. I would not feel bad or guilty about this one bit...as mentioned by others it is HER PROBLEM....keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...hope you have a nice weekend...
Came across your blog from Stirrup Queen's.
My assvice (feel free to ignore me): Have DH tell her at the last minute that you can't be there, that you would love to be there but it is too much to ask, too painful, and ask her specifically to pray for you and your loss on a day so upsetting as Mothers' day. She'd have to have a heart of stone not to feel sympathy for you.
I agree with everyone in that you do need to protect yourself. She could be reasonable about it and maybe stop to think how difficult this is for you. I mean yes you are pregnant but still the hurt never goes away.
I'll tell you what others have been telling me. You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost.
If SIL is hormonal, than perhaps once she comes out of the haze, she'll realize how difficult the situation is for you. If not, then, yeah, a lifetime of awkwardness.
Which would you regret more? your pain and her satisfaction, or a little peace of mine and her annoyance.
(I don't mean to be b*tchy and dogmatic -- I have a future SIL who I am anticipating will be like yours. I'm great at telling people to take care of themselves, but can't do it for myself. So I'll do it just one more time: With all you've been through, please be gentle with yourself.)
Good for you for making this decision for yourself. Me, the people-pleasing freak would have made myself miserable and done whatever it takes to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own happiness. If SIL is too self-absorbed to understand, it's not worth the agony you might feel for not attending.
That's incredibly inconsiderate of your SIL. I agree with the others -- don't feel like you have to go. You've been through a lot; you need to take care of yourself.
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