I had a meltdown last night.
It was about midnight and I had tried changing locations in the house in an effort to sleep through at least some of the night, but it wasn’t working. Finally, I stomped back to our bedroom, woke M and proceeded to give him a tearful rendition of how frustrated, tired, annoyed, impatient, etc. I was, and how I had no idea how I was going to feel better. Poor guy, he was sort of taken aback and tried his best to comfort me (he even offered to play cards with me to take my mind off my insomnia), but of course he couldn’t actually do anything.
The funny part? My due date is today. I’m not even technically “overdue” yet (yes, I know that you’re not actually overdue until after 42 weeks, but try telling that to society).
I think my problem is that I get way too bothered by other people. Basically, for the past three weeks, people keep on saying “You’re still around?” to me whenever they see me. So, that has set an expectation in my mind that I might go into labor at any second. It has become almost a get-out-of-jail-free card for me. As in, “Boy, I really don’t want to be at that meeting tomorrow. Hey, maybe I’ll go into labor and I won’t have to go!” It hasn’t helped that I’m thoroughly sick of work.
In the meantime, there’s this cloud of guilt that follows me wherever I go. It’s said that whenever you start feeling sorry for yourself, you should just think about the misfortune of others and you’ll be able to put things in perspective. I don’t have to look very far; I just think of myself 11 months ago and how utterly terrible my situation was. The Ann of November 2007 would have looked at the Ann of October 2008 with disgust, thinking that she had absolutely no appreciation for the gift she has been given.
Then, there are the women in my office: my co-worker, who doesn’t shy away from telling the story of how she struggled with infertility and lost; and my boss, who never tells her story, but whose answer to the question “Do you have kids?” is, “We were never blessed with children.” That same boss reminded me today that I should be thankful that I’m healthy and everything appears to be OK. And I am. Immensely. I feel terrible even talking about being impatient, because my goodness, if a long pregnancy is the worst of my problems, I’m doing pretty darned well.
But hormones aren’t logical.
Once I’m done working on Friday, I want to hole myself up at home and not talk to any friends and family. Last night, I even toyed with the idea of not answering my family birthday calls because I don’t want to deal with my mother or M’s mother.
When was the last time I felt this strong of a need to shield myself from the world? It was January 2008, when I was still in the throes of grief.
Ironic, isn’t it?
I know exactly what I need to do: Focus on others, take my mind off myself and my pregnancy and just smile and nod when others exclaim over the fact that I’m still around. But it’s easier said than done.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
39w6d
Tomorrow is my due date. My doctor happens to be on call tomorrow. Boy, it sure would be a nice day to go into labor.
At my most recent OB appointment, I was still only 1.5 cm dilated, but now 70 percent effaced. My lactation consultant friend seems to think my first sign of labor will be my water breaking because my cervix is so soft but not dilated very much. It would be nice if that happened before the end of this week.
In the meantime, I have decided that Friday will be my last day at work. If I haven’t gone into labor by Monday, I will just take vacation time. In the meantime, the next three days are going to be excruciatingly boring. I planned so well, I literally have nothing to do! I’ve been living the past two weeks as though each day was my last, so I’ve been trying to complete projects, make phone calls, etc. No good deed goes unpunished, eh? And now my replacement is sitting with nothing to do, either. Oh well—there are certainly worse things in life than sitting in front of a computer surfing the Internet.
If I haven’t gone into labor by Oct. 11 (nine days after my due date), my doctor will induce me. However, I hope it doesn’t get to that point. On October 26, my close friend is having a baby shower two hours away. I really, really want to go, but if it’s just two weeks after I give birth—especially if it’s a difficult delivery—it will be kind of hard. Then, on Nov. 2, my niece is getting baptized—also two hours away. I’d like to have this baby soon so I can have some recovery time before life gets going again!
At my most recent OB appointment, I was still only 1.5 cm dilated, but now 70 percent effaced. My lactation consultant friend seems to think my first sign of labor will be my water breaking because my cervix is so soft but not dilated very much. It would be nice if that happened before the end of this week.
In the meantime, I have decided that Friday will be my last day at work. If I haven’t gone into labor by Monday, I will just take vacation time. In the meantime, the next three days are going to be excruciatingly boring. I planned so well, I literally have nothing to do! I’ve been living the past two weeks as though each day was my last, so I’ve been trying to complete projects, make phone calls, etc. No good deed goes unpunished, eh? And now my replacement is sitting with nothing to do, either. Oh well—there are certainly worse things in life than sitting in front of a computer surfing the Internet.
If I haven’t gone into labor by Oct. 11 (nine days after my due date), my doctor will induce me. However, I hope it doesn’t get to that point. On October 26, my close friend is having a baby shower two hours away. I really, really want to go, but if it’s just two weeks after I give birth—especially if it’s a difficult delivery—it will be kind of hard. Then, on Nov. 2, my niece is getting baptized—also two hours away. I’d like to have this baby soon so I can have some recovery time before life gets going again!
Friday, September 26, 2008
Totally unreasonable
I am shocked to find that I still resent pregnancy announcements. Within the past 24 hours, I have learned that M's friend's wife is about 17 weeks along, and my co-worker is 5 weeks along. Neither of them had any trouble whatsoever conceiving.
No matter how unreasonable it is, I find myself resenting people for whom conception is a piece of cake. It's like I feel they don't really "deserve" the pregnancy--even though I know that's all relative. If each one of us experienced the pain and suffering that everyone else did on all issues, we'd all be absolutely miserable! Everyone has their own issues to deal with, and ours happened to be conception/baby loss/etc. Still, I can't help but grit my teeth.
In the meantime, my friend who is 21 weeks pregnant after 2 1/2 years of secondary infertility and IVF just found out she has placenta previa. The placenta is completely covering the cervix. Yet, her doc is not referring her to a peri, and doesn't plan on doing another ultrasound until late in the 3rd trimester. Is this normal? Or should she seek a second opinion? The doc merely told her to page her at any sign of bleeding.
No matter how unreasonable it is, I find myself resenting people for whom conception is a piece of cake. It's like I feel they don't really "deserve" the pregnancy--even though I know that's all relative. If each one of us experienced the pain and suffering that everyone else did on all issues, we'd all be absolutely miserable! Everyone has their own issues to deal with, and ours happened to be conception/baby loss/etc. Still, I can't help but grit my teeth.
In the meantime, my friend who is 21 weeks pregnant after 2 1/2 years of secondary infertility and IVF just found out she has placenta previa. The placenta is completely covering the cervix. Yet, her doc is not referring her to a peri, and doesn't plan on doing another ultrasound until late in the 3rd trimester. Is this normal? Or should she seek a second opinion? The doc merely told her to page her at any sign of bleeding.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Miss Zero Personality
Happily, my biggest concern of the moment is that I am sick to death of work.
Specifically, I am not thrilled about my maternity replacement. She started late last week and I have been spending most of my time either explaining my job duties to her or letting her watch me as I put out fires, work on projects, etc.
Other people in my office think she is only going to be around for three months. I, however, know I won’t be coming back, and I also am pretty sure my boss suspects this. It is my opinion that if she (we’ll call her Flo) works out, she will become my permanent replacement (because I don’t plan on returning to work for more than a couple of weeks).
Here’s my problem with Flo: She’s, well...dull. For the past week, I have been struggling with my feelings because I wonder if I’m not giving her enough of a chance. I try to remember what it’s like to be learning a new job and soaking in all this information. Except that even when someone is clueless, you can tell if they have a certain “spark.” Do you know what I mean? A person who works in public relations should have some spunk to them. In my job, I have to advise people as to the proper ways to publicize information; I talk them down off a ledge when they’re upset about a negative news article; I call them out when they’re trying to pawn off too much work on me and my department. Flo doesn’t seem to have much of a personality. She’s not assertive (and yes, you can be assertive even when you’re learning a new job). Sometimes she has this strange expression on her face. Perhaps a lot of her problem is that she doesn’t know how to present herself effectively. She reminds me of some of the mediocre journalists I used to know (her background is print journalism, as is mine, although I think she’s only about 25) who would work fine where they are, but would never really accomplish anything great.
Perhaps this post sounds mean. Perhaps it is. But all I know is that I’m being forced to spend my days with Miss Zero Personality. Oh, she’ll do fine as a workhorse. She seems to have an attention to detail, and she has the raw skills my boss needs to fill my position. But I don’t know if she’s going to contribute anything to the office. It’ll be interesting to see if my boss decides to keep her around once I give my notice.
Flo works Tuesday through Thursday. I am fervently hoping that I go into labor before next Tuesday, but I’m not holding my breath. Quick update: I’m about 1.5 cm dilated, still about 50% effaced, and no significant contractions to speak of. I continue to be in limbo at 39 weeks. My OB would probably induce at 41 ½ weeks. It would suck if I had to wait that long...but, of course, suckage is all relative. At least everyone involved is still healthy. I’m just whiny.
Specifically, I am not thrilled about my maternity replacement. She started late last week and I have been spending most of my time either explaining my job duties to her or letting her watch me as I put out fires, work on projects, etc.
Other people in my office think she is only going to be around for three months. I, however, know I won’t be coming back, and I also am pretty sure my boss suspects this. It is my opinion that if she (we’ll call her Flo) works out, she will become my permanent replacement (because I don’t plan on returning to work for more than a couple of weeks).
Here’s my problem with Flo: She’s, well...dull. For the past week, I have been struggling with my feelings because I wonder if I’m not giving her enough of a chance. I try to remember what it’s like to be learning a new job and soaking in all this information. Except that even when someone is clueless, you can tell if they have a certain “spark.” Do you know what I mean? A person who works in public relations should have some spunk to them. In my job, I have to advise people as to the proper ways to publicize information; I talk them down off a ledge when they’re upset about a negative news article; I call them out when they’re trying to pawn off too much work on me and my department. Flo doesn’t seem to have much of a personality. She’s not assertive (and yes, you can be assertive even when you’re learning a new job). Sometimes she has this strange expression on her face. Perhaps a lot of her problem is that she doesn’t know how to present herself effectively. She reminds me of some of the mediocre journalists I used to know (her background is print journalism, as is mine, although I think she’s only about 25) who would work fine where they are, but would never really accomplish anything great.
Perhaps this post sounds mean. Perhaps it is. But all I know is that I’m being forced to spend my days with Miss Zero Personality. Oh, she’ll do fine as a workhorse. She seems to have an attention to detail, and she has the raw skills my boss needs to fill my position. But I don’t know if she’s going to contribute anything to the office. It’ll be interesting to see if my boss decides to keep her around once I give my notice.
Flo works Tuesday through Thursday. I am fervently hoping that I go into labor before next Tuesday, but I’m not holding my breath. Quick update: I’m about 1.5 cm dilated, still about 50% effaced, and no significant contractions to speak of. I continue to be in limbo at 39 weeks. My OB would probably induce at 41 ½ weeks. It would suck if I had to wait that long...but, of course, suckage is all relative. At least everyone involved is still healthy. I’m just whiny.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Still here
Wow. Within a half hour, I had two separate requests for an update and realized that being away for this long is bound to spark imaginations.
So let me answer the basic questions: Yes, I am still pregnant. No, I am not having contractions. As of yesterday, I was 1 cm dilated and 50 percent effaced. My OB estimates the baby is about 7 1/2 pounds.
And, oh yeah, I’m a mess.
Now wait, before you go all panicky on me, let me preface this post by saying that there is nothing wrong with me or the baby (that I know of), and that life is basically status quo.
Except for my hormones. And my back spasms. And my pregnancy-induced carpel tunnel syndrome. And the fact that I burst into tears this morning at work, and, in fact, feel like crying just thinking about how I burst into tears.
I am a planner. So yes, waiting around to go into labor is rough. However, at least I can plan for the unplannable. I am ready to have to go to the hospital at a moment’s notice—or a few hours’ notice, more likely. Does that make sense?
This morning, however, my boss walked into my office and said that my hospital has a disaster drill planned for 5:15 p.m. tomorrow. They need a Public Information Officer to participate, and she’s not available. Could I do it?
I normally work 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Starting last week Wednesday, I conduct a children’s handbell choir at 6 p.m. on Wednesdays. I’ve been trying to get in as much time with them as possible before I go on “maternity leave” (which will probably amount to a few weeks with a different conductor).
So my boss brought in the other PR person to ask if at least one of us could do it. Technically, this is my job. But the idea of an unplanned late night at work and the prospect of having to find a replacement conductor at the last minute was enough to push me to almost-tears. My co-worker said she would do it (even though it’s an inconvenience for her, too), and I’m still feeling guilty about it. Hell, I’m crying even thinking about it.
Overreact much?
I am literally limping around the office because my lower back hurts so much. At home, I can’t do much more than lay around. While M is being wonderful about all of this, I hate having to ask him to do things that I would normally do. Under ordinary circumstances, we have a pretty darned good division of household tasks. But our house is filthy. So I had to ask him last night if he would be able to clean the house this weekend.
While I sit on my butt watching TV.
Honestly, I know I will only be 38 weeks on Thursday, but I am SOOO ready to have this baby.
So let me answer the basic questions: Yes, I am still pregnant. No, I am not having contractions. As of yesterday, I was 1 cm dilated and 50 percent effaced. My OB estimates the baby is about 7 1/2 pounds.
And, oh yeah, I’m a mess.
Now wait, before you go all panicky on me, let me preface this post by saying that there is nothing wrong with me or the baby (that I know of), and that life is basically status quo.
Except for my hormones. And my back spasms. And my pregnancy-induced carpel tunnel syndrome. And the fact that I burst into tears this morning at work, and, in fact, feel like crying just thinking about how I burst into tears.
I am a planner. So yes, waiting around to go into labor is rough. However, at least I can plan for the unplannable. I am ready to have to go to the hospital at a moment’s notice—or a few hours’ notice, more likely. Does that make sense?
This morning, however, my boss walked into my office and said that my hospital has a disaster drill planned for 5:15 p.m. tomorrow. They need a Public Information Officer to participate, and she’s not available. Could I do it?
I normally work 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Starting last week Wednesday, I conduct a children’s handbell choir at 6 p.m. on Wednesdays. I’ve been trying to get in as much time with them as possible before I go on “maternity leave” (which will probably amount to a few weeks with a different conductor).
So my boss brought in the other PR person to ask if at least one of us could do it. Technically, this is my job. But the idea of an unplanned late night at work and the prospect of having to find a replacement conductor at the last minute was enough to push me to almost-tears. My co-worker said she would do it (even though it’s an inconvenience for her, too), and I’m still feeling guilty about it. Hell, I’m crying even thinking about it.
Overreact much?
I am literally limping around the office because my lower back hurts so much. At home, I can’t do much more than lay around. While M is being wonderful about all of this, I hate having to ask him to do things that I would normally do. Under ordinary circumstances, we have a pretty darned good division of household tasks. But our house is filthy. So I had to ask him last night if he would be able to clean the house this weekend.
While I sit on my butt watching TV.
Honestly, I know I will only be 38 weeks on Thursday, but I am SOOO ready to have this baby.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Loss of innocence
The inquiries have started in earnest now: “Are you nervous and scared about labor and delivery? Do you know what you’re going to do about pain meds? Take the epidural! Is M ready to be a dad? Have you washed all the baby clothes yet?”
The funny part is, most of these people know part or all of Zach’s story. They’ve just sort of forgotten what we went through 10 months ago. And the answers to those questions?
“Well, I’m a little nervous, but I’ve sort of been through this before—albeit with a 14-ounce baby, not with a 7- or 8-pound baby. To tell you the truth, I’ll take physical pain over emotional pain any day.”
“Yes, I will be getting an epidural at some point in the labor; remember, I already had an epidural so I know what it’s like.”
“M already is a dad.”
No, I have washed nothing. I haven’t even unwrapped most of the baby stuff we’ve gotten. Some part of me is terrified our child will die and I’ll have to figure out what to do with all this stuff.
You know what’s weird? Sometimes, these days, the more excited people get, the more annoyed I get. At our last shower over the weekend, people kept on saying, “The next time I see you, you’ll have the baby!” And I feel the need, often, to reply, “Well, let’s just hope that everything goes OK.” I’ve lost my ability to assume the best.
I think the question that annoys me the most is, “Are you ready?” We’ve been ready for 2 ½ years.
Yes, I know I’m being picky. Or maybe I’m just hormonal. But for God’s sake, stop treating me like someone who’s naïve!
The funny part is, most of these people know part or all of Zach’s story. They’ve just sort of forgotten what we went through 10 months ago. And the answers to those questions?
“Well, I’m a little nervous, but I’ve sort of been through this before—albeit with a 14-ounce baby, not with a 7- or 8-pound baby. To tell you the truth, I’ll take physical pain over emotional pain any day.”
“Yes, I will be getting an epidural at some point in the labor; remember, I already had an epidural so I know what it’s like.”
“M already is a dad.”
No, I have washed nothing. I haven’t even unwrapped most of the baby stuff we’ve gotten. Some part of me is terrified our child will die and I’ll have to figure out what to do with all this stuff.
You know what’s weird? Sometimes, these days, the more excited people get, the more annoyed I get. At our last shower over the weekend, people kept on saying, “The next time I see you, you’ll have the baby!” And I feel the need, often, to reply, “Well, let’s just hope that everything goes OK.” I’ve lost my ability to assume the best.
I think the question that annoys me the most is, “Are you ready?” We’ve been ready for 2 ½ years.
Yes, I know I’m being picky. Or maybe I’m just hormonal. But for God’s sake, stop treating me like someone who’s naïve!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Me--an optimist?
I have officially crossed over to the other side.
Buh-bye, paranoia. Well...buh-bye, at least, to the most extreme kind of paranoia. A couple of days ago, I had to pull my car over on my way to work because of extreme dizziness and shortness of breath. I eventually made it to work, but after I got there I realized I wasn’t going to be able to function unless I laid down. A co-worker wheeled me down to Occupational Health (remember, I work in a hospital), but rather than just let me lie down, the bastards there sold me out and made me see my OB across the street.
Just as I suspected, all my vitals were fine; outwardly, nothing was wrong. My OB told me she suspected I was just experiencing positional shortness of breath. But because she, like the nurses in Occ Health, wanted to cover her ass, she told me that in the Worst Case Scenario, I had a blood clot in my lungs, and only a CAT scan would be able to tell for sure.
Would you believe that I declined?
I truly believe in my gut that I am just experiencing normal pregnancy symptoms. But I must say that I now understand why some people say the last month can suck. I am torn between my need to get work and life all tidily sewn up before my (hopefully) impending delivery, and my need to just lie on my butt and do nothing.
Why Ann (you might say), why don’t you just do nothing? You deserve it!
Well, see, it’s not that simple. I’m supposed to be working right up until I deliver unless I get a doctor’s note. And even if I were to procure one of those, it would mean my 12 weeks would start way early, which messes up a lot of plans. So for now, I’m still working 40 hours a week.
Plus, our favorite pastor at church – the one who was our greatest supporter when Zach died – is leaving for another church. She’s in charge of youth group, and since M and I regularly help out, we’re the most obvious choice to pick up the slack. Except, of course, for the fact that we’re having a baby. So we’re trying to make lots of preparations now so we can relax for a month after the baby comes. And we’re trying to organize the kids to make a goodbye collage for the pastor.
Whew. No wonder I burst into tears last night after driving 20 minutes through heavy construction to see the optometrist, getting my shoe caught on the door and ruining it, spending 15 minutes filling out stupid forms, then finding out my insurance doesn’t cover an exam until October 1. Um.
And yet.
As I drove home from the optometrist, muttering angrily to myself, I saw a F.lig.ht for L.ife helicopter cruising over me. And I thought about the hospital to which it was likely carrying a critically ill patient—the same hospital where I delivered Zach. And I considered how all my aches and pains and frustrations and exhaustion were absolutely nothing compared to the emotional devastation I experience 10 months ago.
And I felt blessed.
P.S. Thank you all for sending along your e-mails. I have had room for all on my list! I'll probably be going invite-only in about a week; watch for updates. (And e-mail me if I totally screw this up!)
Buh-bye, paranoia. Well...buh-bye, at least, to the most extreme kind of paranoia. A couple of days ago, I had to pull my car over on my way to work because of extreme dizziness and shortness of breath. I eventually made it to work, but after I got there I realized I wasn’t going to be able to function unless I laid down. A co-worker wheeled me down to Occupational Health (remember, I work in a hospital), but rather than just let me lie down, the bastards there sold me out and made me see my OB across the street.
Just as I suspected, all my vitals were fine; outwardly, nothing was wrong. My OB told me she suspected I was just experiencing positional shortness of breath. But because she, like the nurses in Occ Health, wanted to cover her ass, she told me that in the Worst Case Scenario, I had a blood clot in my lungs, and only a CAT scan would be able to tell for sure.
Would you believe that I declined?
I truly believe in my gut that I am just experiencing normal pregnancy symptoms. But I must say that I now understand why some people say the last month can suck. I am torn between my need to get work and life all tidily sewn up before my (hopefully) impending delivery, and my need to just lie on my butt and do nothing.
Why Ann (you might say), why don’t you just do nothing? You deserve it!
Well, see, it’s not that simple. I’m supposed to be working right up until I deliver unless I get a doctor’s note. And even if I were to procure one of those, it would mean my 12 weeks would start way early, which messes up a lot of plans. So for now, I’m still working 40 hours a week.
Plus, our favorite pastor at church – the one who was our greatest supporter when Zach died – is leaving for another church. She’s in charge of youth group, and since M and I regularly help out, we’re the most obvious choice to pick up the slack. Except, of course, for the fact that we’re having a baby. So we’re trying to make lots of preparations now so we can relax for a month after the baby comes. And we’re trying to organize the kids to make a goodbye collage for the pastor.
Whew. No wonder I burst into tears last night after driving 20 minutes through heavy construction to see the optometrist, getting my shoe caught on the door and ruining it, spending 15 minutes filling out stupid forms, then finding out my insurance doesn’t cover an exam until October 1. Um.
And yet.
As I drove home from the optometrist, muttering angrily to myself, I saw a F.lig.ht for L.ife helicopter cruising over me. And I thought about the hospital to which it was likely carrying a critically ill patient—the same hospital where I delivered Zach. And I considered how all my aches and pains and frustrations and exhaustion were absolutely nothing compared to the emotional devastation I experience 10 months ago.
And I felt blessed.
P.S. Thank you all for sending along your e-mails. I have had room for all on my list! I'll probably be going invite-only in about a week; watch for updates. (And e-mail me if I totally screw this up!)
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