In reading about a few other pregnant bloggers who are nesting, I am reminded of my own conflicting urges.
It is so, so hard for me to let go and assume that things are going to go well unless told otherwise. It’s especially hard, since this Friday is the Big Bad Ultrasound.
It was at the last Big Bad Ultrasound that everything started to go to hell. Four days later, it all really did go to hell.
Let’s put on our logic hats: We’ve already found out that this baby doesn’t have the same problem Zach did. However, I had fear at this moment in my pregnancy last time and I didn’t even know what bilateral renal agenesis was. The fact is, there are still plenty of terrible diagnoses that could greet us when we walk into the ultrasound room in four days.
All of you glass-is-half-full people out there probably wish you could smack me off side of the face for being so paranoid. But I must admit that after we found out about Zach, I felt like a fool for ever believing this could actually work out. After all, I told myself last October, we’ve made it halfway through the pregnancy. Aren’t we practically home-free?
So now, every happy, hopeful thought is brought screeching to a halt when I remind myself what could happen.
I, like so many of you out there, had started cleaning and organizing and doing varied preparations for another member of our household. I hadn't gone so far as to pick out bedding, but M had installed an organizer in the "guest room" closet and I had cleared two shelves in our hall closet. Those shelves have gradually been re-filled over the past six months.
I have an all-afternoon inservice with the larger communication team my department is a part of. I’m sort of helping to lead this workshop. I would love to wear a gorgeous new top from JCPenny, but because of the way this top is cut, I would be making a rather “pregnant” statement to a bunch of people I barely know and probably inviting conversation about my current state. What if it all goes away?
Also concerning that particularly lovely top—I had vowed I wouldn’t wear my JCPenney clothes until after the ultrasound, because they can more easily be returned (and are rather more expensive than my other tops). What if I don’t need maternity clothes after this week?
I was practically giddy after getting together with my in-laws on Sunday. Before we left, my MIL showed me a list of people she’d like to invite to a shower and speculated turning one shower into two at the end of August/beginning of September to make it more intimate. TWO SHOWERS? FOR ME? Except, that’s so far away. So many bad things can happen between now and then…
I wish I could talk about my fall due date without adding all sorts of “ifs.”
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14 comments:
Until that baby boy is safely delivered and in your arms you will worry. Then once he is here you will worry. It's part and parcel of being a mom...but it's worse when you have experienced a loss.
Just remember, you can worry and that won't change the outcome. Or you can enjoy the pregnancy and baby, and that won't change the outcome. You just have to decide how you want it to be...
I know you are concerned but trying to stay positive, but then the reality of what happened comes rushing in...I agree with the first comment....especially about after the baby arrives....you will drive yourself crazy thinking about all the what if's...but that is just part of being a Mommy...so my only advice is to continue to say a prayer and keep moving forward and hopefully good thoughts will out-weigh the bad....I am praying for peace for you and DH leading up to the Sono and the rest of the pregnancy.
I will hold my breath with you until the big bad ultrasound, and hope fervently for the best.
I hope after that you can maybe nest a little. But whatever makes you comfortable is the right thing to do. There's plenty of time to organize the closet later.
I think those are your defense mechanisms creeping in. You are scared to let yourself get to happy or excited. While that is natural given what happened with Zach, this little guy is different. But if you don't feel comfortable wearing the expensive jc Penney stuff until after the ultrasound that is okay too. WHatever make you comfortable is what you need to do. Good luck with the ultrasound.
Man on man do I understand what you are talking about. Here I am, two weeks away from delivering, and I'm still wholly unconvinced that this is going to work out.
You WILL NOT jinx anything by trying to be hopeful. I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. I find it both comforting and scary as all hell that I actually have no control over whatever tragedy might strike this pregnancy. Ugh.
I'll be saying prayers for your Big Ultrasound. Can't wait to hear the results.
I hate the worry, it just robs you of your enjoyment. It sucks. It's impossible not to worry. So I'll just hope that your Big Ultrasound is not Bad, but Beautiful.
Ugh. This sounds so hard. And I have absolutely no useful advice to give. Other than hang in there?
Thiking and praying for you. ..
I totally understand. And why shouldn't you be nervous? You've been shown how horribly things can go wrong. I think it's a natural reaction. Nothing is a done deal.
Hoping though, that after the big ultrasound you can begin to feel more comfortable and confident about your new little one make his entrance in the fall, pink, squirmy and healthy.
I'm hoping for you.
Okay, I am feeling confused. You already had that anatomy scan where you found out you're having a boy with 2 kidneys (yay!). Is this ultrasound different, or just to check on him later on?
Somehow I feel I should understand this, but I don't.
As wonderful as it sounds to just abandon worry and embrace pregnancy, doing just that is not always realistic.
I hope the big bad ultrasound goes well, and turns into a wonderful experience instead.
There are no words that will take away your concerns. Only time will do that for you. While it is natural to be worried try to enjoy the pregnancy
Hoping the time goes easily for you and that the u/s goes well. You will soon be holding your beautiful, healthy baby.
24 weeks, and I'm still a'worryin, too.....
My fingers are crossed for you,
J
I am right there with you. It is less than 6 weeks to my due date and no child preparations whatsoever. We haven't even cleaned out the guest room. No diapers, car seat, clothes or plans.
I don't think we would jinx it, but I don't want to open myself up to the greater emotional trauma from counting on something that may not actually happen.
As always, one day at a time.
I'll be thinking of you from now til Friday.
After all that you have been through in the past 6 months I can imagine that it's almost impossible to take the glass is half full approach. (Heck, I had trouble with this and did not go through a loss as you did...)
Hopefully at some point your "ifs" will turn to "whens"...
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