I write this post with some hesitation because I don’t want to turn this into a parent-bashing forum. But I just had a not-so-good conversation with my mom (on her birthday, no less), and I need to get my feelings on paper—so to speak.
My mom doesn’t work and she doesn’t have much going on in her life. Usually, her portion of our conversations revolve around other people’s lives. Just about every conversation includes at least one “cute” story about Little M, my brother’s 2-year-old daughter and my godchild. My mom sees her maybe once every week or two, but she absolutely loves being around her and thinks that everything she does is just the cutest thing in the world. And she shares these stories with me.
I usually don’t have much of a reaction to these stories. In truth, I get really sick of hearing about Little M and usually just hang on until we change the subject. But my mom isn’t stupid, and she has noticed I don’t show much interest in Little M. She told me today that it really hurts her and she feels like she has to censor everything she says.
I want to take this moment to urge you again not to bash my mom. I know I’m preaching to the choir here; I’m just trying to gain a little perspective.
Is my disinterest because of our infertility and pregnancy loss? Maybe—but I seriously doubt that if I have a healthy baby this fall, I’m going to be any more interested in hearing about the Adventures of Little M. I just don’t think I’m one of those people who gets off on hearing about other people’s kids—even my own family. And that makes my mom feel bad.
She told me that she has noticed my reaction and has tried to censor herself. Wait—so if she’s censoring herself, how many stories would she be telling me otherwise? I feel like if I show her encouragement, she’s going to talk my ear off with Little M stories. But if I don’t, she’s going to be incredibly hurt.
At this point, I don’t think I’m necessarily hurt by Little M stories; I’m just annoyed. My mom has turned into a cliché of a grandmother, and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I don’t know how to resolve this. Part of me thinks that I’m just being selfish and I need to get into a place where I care about more than just myself and my stories (of course, I LOVE talking about me; I’m my favorite subject!). Another part of me thinks I should just talk to my mom less. But I already tried that in January when I was overcome with grief over our less. I retreated like a turtle, my mom noticed and she was hurt by that lack of communication, too.
Augh! I can sit here and be mad at my mom for her reaction, but that’s not going to change the situation.
19 comments:
It's really hard to interpret your situation without superimposing my own relationship with my mom. So here are my thoughts about my mom, which may or may not apply to you.
I know that in my teens and early 20s, it really bothered me that my mom didn't have much going on in her own life besides following mine. I kept thinking "I have my life, why can't you have your life?" My mom readjusted and got some new interests once she had an empty nest.
Now I am pregnant and I see my sister (who is single) totally obsessing over my pregnancy and driving my crazy. Again, "this is my life! get your own!"
Of course, the infertility adds a new dimension to your issues with your mom and little M. But maybe part of it is just the regular mother-daughter dimension.
I could be totally off, but I'm your first commenter, so I'll see what the others say.
I've got 2 kids and one on the way and I don't want to hear about other kids either.
It had nothign to do with infertility for me. I just don't really care.
Ah, mothers, those relationships always seem so complex.
I don't know whether it's IF related or not, but sometimes the "cute kid" stories do get a little old. I don't know how frank you can be with your mom, but it sounds like she is confusing your interest in hearing cut kid stories with how you feel about Little M. Maybe there's a way you could delicately tell your mom this, without hurting her feelings?
I go through this with my dad. People just don't get it than when you're slapped in the face with the feeling of failing that infertility brings on a monthly basis that you don't want to hear them drone on about kids all the time even if you really like the kids.
I guess the only thing you can do is to tell her straight out how you feel. Hope that works better for you than it has for me though! :-)
My mom talks and talks about people I don't even know. Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. She doesn't have much going on in her life now that she is retired, so I get these weird stories. If it were my nephews and niece she were talking about, it might sting a bit, and sometimes I do get a little jealous of her relationship with them. I dunno, I guess what I am saying, subject matter aside, mothers have a tendency to ramble on about stuff we aren't exactly excited about.
It's hard to listen to your mom talk about another grand child. I have the same feelings when my MIL talks about her other grandson. I still don't know what to do about it, but I do know that once your little one is here, this kind of thing won't matter as much to you AND she'll be telling stories about this little baby boy. Sorry I can't make you feel better.
I think this can go a few different ways and from reading the comments, I'd say you're in the vast majority with how you are feeling. Right now 2 of my husband's friends' wives are pregnant and thats all he talks about and I just flat out say I don't want to hear about them feeling their baby move at 3 weeks and so on (seriously exaggerated stories). My grandma (the babies' great grandma is their only grandma that is involved in their lives. I love love love to walk around the mall with her and overhear her telling those "cute" stories about my kids. I will never handle any other kids as competition and the way I validate my feelings in my family is really immature: the "yeah well mine are twins so that automatically makes them better/smarter/cuter/blah blah blah" crap. It's not right, but I have yet to find a mother who truly wants to hear stories of other people, especially on a regular basis. When you talk to me, enjoy ME and MY kids. Sorry I wrote so much. I think you will find that once your baby is born that he's your world and it will take a whole lot to rock it.
to M's parents, that you're the topic of conversation. Mother's tend to talk about what's familiar to them. She's just excited, that's how grandparents are.
I guess all you can do is listen because I can't imagine she has much going on in her life elsewise to talk about.
Hmmmm. I'm not quite sure what to say, since I don't mind hearing stories about other people's kids or just anyone that I don't know. My mom talks a lot about her friends, most of whom I've met briefly once. Do I really have deep concern about what's going on in their lives? No, but I know it's just my mom's way of making conversation, so I listen and say uh-huh, really?, etc. And if there's something specific I want to talk about with her, I bring it up. I think that if I didn't have children and was still going through primary IF and she talked all the time about other people's children, there would be good reason for her to censor herself and I would ask her to do so if hearing those things bothered me.
If it's just boredom on your part hearing these stories, it wouldn't be a bad thing to make an effort to just listen and nod from time to time to make your mom happy. If the stories are hurtful to you for some reason, that's another thing entirely. Then I'd just try to have an agenda when you talk to her and try to keep control of the conversation so you can steer it in the direction you choose.
You're in a tough position. I think it's totally legit to not want to hear about the stories (My in-laws are the same way about my nephew, I could puke. I can't tell you how many videos and photos I've been forced to sit through when I could care less). I'm puzzled as to why she would feel hurt about you not wanting to hear Little M stories (which really has nothing to do with her personally).
I think what you should makes sure you do is make it clear that there is a difference between 1) talking to your mom 2) hearing stories about Little M.
Validate her first by saying, "Hey Mom, you know, I really love talking to you. I enjoy hearing about YOUR life. It's just to me stories about Little M can be boring since I don't feel the same attachment you feel to her as her grandparent. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy talking to you, but let's continue to keep the stories to a minimum." Hopefully that way she can feel appreciated, but also get the message.
I was just thinking this morning: "Why is it that people think that now I'm pregnant I care about other peoples kids?" I don't. Still.
Your situation is hard. Protecting yourself from hearing about things you don't want to and still keeping up your end of the relationship.
For me, I am so sick of hearing about my nephews. Mostly because my sister has always been the favorite and now I hear all about her kids. I love her kids but I can call her to talk about them. I call my Mom to talk to my Mom about Mom and Dad, not my sister.
It is also hard to love something so much and want to talk about it and have to censor yourself.
Both sides suck. I hope you guys find a middle ground that works for both of you.
I also don't want to hear about other people's kids, and my mom also insists on sharing such anecdotes with me. I didn't care before I was ttc, when I was ttc, and certainly even less after a loss. But, she keeps telling them to me.
I don't have a solution (sorry!) but here's my non-solution. I continue to listen with a vague disinterest that she must sense, but doesn't comment on. It's not ideal, but it's the most I can do in terms of listening and apparently the least she can do in terms of telling. Good luck finding middle ground!
generally, good conversations are had by people who try to find common ground in terms of interests. so if your mom insists on talking about little M when reasonably it would seem that the two of you would have other things in common for subjects...then she's probably being a little unfair, both in her expectation that you will support this converssational penchant unconditionally, and in being wounded that you won't. however, a lot of this depends on how much she really talks about little M - if it's ten percent of your conversations, then maybe you might give her that as being a grandmother is a part of her identity and all (though personally i think in your situation she should be curbing expression/expectation of support from that in regards to you for the time being)...but if it's over twenty-five percent, bah, no wonder you're losing it.
It's a tough situation I guess, but I always find family more difficult. SImply because it seems that nobody has the power to hurt our feelings like our relatives do- there are things that my father or sibling have said that really burn, and yet from someone else I would have figured out a way around it a long time ago.
It is hard to repeatedly feign interest in stories that go on ad nauseum, but I guess your mother would see it differently, and there is no absolute right or wrong.
I hope you figure out a peaceful solution,
J
Like Deborah, it's hard for me to interpret your situation without thinking of my own relationship with my mom...
To me, this doesn't necessarily seem IF related. It sounds like one of the main problems is that your mom doesn't have much going on in her life (my mom has the same problem) so she talks about one of the few highlights she experiences. When you don't seem interested she may be hurt because 1. you are not interested in the most exciting thing going on in her life, and 2. she is a little offended on behalf of Little M and Little M's parents.
I wonder if tackling the Little M stories is the best way to approach the situation. A couple years ago I decided to suggest some options to my mom about things she could do to get out of the house and get her own life (but I was MUCH more subtle and gentle about it). Maybe you could do something similar. Or, maybe you could come up with some kind of joint project you and your mom could work on together. That way she would feel like you wanted to spend time with her and it would give her another topic to discuss...
In my own life my sister doesn't have children so my baby will be the first grandchild (on earth, not in heaven). I live in a different state than my parents so my mom LOVES it when I bring up a topic that she can "research." (For example, see my show and tell post on wall paper from a couple days ago...) I think she spends hours looking stuff up on the internet that she thinks might help me. Often, she will do this without me asking for help. The other day I mentioned that I was having problems finding a new bra and she sent me 5-6 links to places I could order bras, with style suggestions...
Anyway, I was just thinking that if you and your mom had a new joint interest that she was excited about it might meet both of your needs. I hope you figure out something that works for both of you. Mother-daughter relationships are so complicated...
I think I must be in the minority. I don't mind hearing other people's kid stories (even prior to Lucky.) So, this is a bit tougher to gain perspective for me.
I am simply a straight shooter. "Mom, I sense there is some tenstion between us, and that hurts both of us. I understand that it hurts you when I don't get overly excited about hearing M stories. I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I love M dearly, I'm just not one of those women who enjoy hearing stories of other's children. I truly hope you understand. I love you and little M, but can I hear more about you and what you've been doing lately?"
The end.
As a mom of grown daughters who was also (of course) a grown daughter of a mom, I read the original post tand the comments with confusion. I understand the infertility issues - the desire not to have your faces rubed in other people's ability to have children. But I am puzzled by the boredom. I mean, what do you want your moms to talk about? What is fun? Maybe leading the conversation in directions one wants to go would help. I think I do this with people who start going on about work or computers or consumer items (topics that bore me more often than not). I try to pull the discussion back to something that interests me. Its got to ba hard to pull the hurt apart from the boredom, and that makes the situation more complicated. I wish you well.
Thank you Ann for visiting my blog and commenting. I understand now better what bothered you in your interactions with your mom. It sounds like she "wanted you to feel" more tan you do about her stories, and thatis always hard - being wanted to want, wanted to feel.
Okay must de-lurk. Can't resist putting my two cents in ...
Personally, I do think that the whole world shouldn't revolve around one person or one person's feelings.
Now ... speaking from my own relationship with my Mom ... she tends to be a "The whole world revolves around me" person. In other words, if I'm doing something (or not doing something) that she doesn't like ... she will call me on it, saying that I'm hurting her. F*ck it if what I'm doing is to protect my own self. If it isn't about her, she could care the f*ck less.
While I haven't been following your relationship with your mom ... I would think that your mom would be a little more "sensitive" to your situation. But it sure don't sound like it, if she feels she has to go on and on about your niece/godchild.
Okay ... back to lurking mode.
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