I was originally going to write a post about the trials of breastfeeding and putting down a newborn (both take freakin' forever!). But I've been reading enough over the past few days to know that the concerns and frustration (and tears) I've been experiencing are completely normal. Suffice it to say that it will get better--and I'm looking forward to that day. Oh, and I think the breastfeeding is probably going OK (Tyler had gained sufficient weight between last Thursday and Monday. Although I tried to pump again in lieu of breastfeeding today, and only got 1.5 ounces!
No, I'd rather write about some of the emotions I've been experiencing. Today was the first day I was allowed to lift anything heavier than Tyler. To celebrate, he and I went on our very first outing together while M was leading a youth event at church. I was a bit nervous about using the car seat and stroller, but he and I successfully drove to the mall--and I even bought a shirt.
I had to take the highway to the mall. It could be the fact that there's lots of construction on the road, but I noticed I reacted very differently to the drive. I felt like everyone else drove like a bat out of hell, and I have to admit that I was a bit squeamish about everybody's fast lane changes. This coming from an admittedly "offensive" driver. The difference? It's not just me in the car anymore; I now have Tyler to worry about. That changes everything. It feels good...but kinda scary. The world is a big, bad place!
As I tried, tried and tried some more to find a parking space at the mall, I remembered that we're getting closer to the holidays, and that the crowds were probably indicative of early Christmas shopping. And then I remembered that I had visited the mall just two weekends later last year and noticed the same thing. Only last year, I was at the mall to buy an urn for Zach, who had been stillborn just three days before. And I looked around at the colorful falling leaves and remembered looking at those same leaves last year as I grieved, and I was unspeakably sad. The happiest day and the saddest day of my life are in the same season. They will be forever linked together. Because of death, there is life.
I love both my sons with all my heart.
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4 comments:
I remember the first time I took Jonah out by myself I was incredibly nervous, and worried about using the carseat and stroller. I only went out to one place and that was it for the day- I was done. Just yesterday I spent 5 hours running errands with him, and must have snapped him in and out of his stroller a dozen times. What a difference a few months make.
I, too, find myself constantly thinking when on the road, "Geez, ya big jerk, I have A BABY in this car." I swore I would never even consider getting a minivan, but now I plan on it, mostly because it seems the safest thing to cart my child in.
Breastfeeding is SO hard at first, and it take SO. MUCH. TIME. Both get better. As someone who had PPD, I just like to remind moms that if the emotional roller coaster is mostly down, or if you aren't able to enjoy at least 1/2 of the time, please see your dr. asap. Otherwise, know that you're "on track" and things will get better!
In some ways, it's good that your boys were born in the same season, so you don't have a season that only holds a bad memory. I have a friend who was hit by a car one New Year's Eve and hurt very badly. Her boyfriend proposed to her on the following NYE so it wouldn't always be a bad day. I thought it was brilliant.
They are both lucky to have you as their mom.
I love reading about your journey Ann. Are we going to get a peak of Tyler? I would love to see a picture of the little guy!
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