I don't swear often, but there's only one word for all this infertility stuff--mindfuck.
Despite all my "foolproof" symptoms, I have two failed pregnancy tests and a period (that came on Saturday) to prove I was a fool. Oh well. Honestly, the waiting is the hard part. I can deal with failure more than the waiting...the night before I was going to test (on CD13), I couldn't sleep. Yes, I was that keyed.
So, we begin Round 3 on letrozole. I've been counting the months, trying to guess how many cycles my doctor will let me go through (with sex alone, and then with IUI), and I figure that if it comes to this, I would probably be doing IVF by next summer. Not that I'm there yet, but I have to be planning for failure in order not to be too surprised by it.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Dolor exquisito
I was looking through my archives and came across this post on the 2ww from nearly four years ago. Ironically, I could be writing this exact post today.
Just like I was on that cold, January day in 2008, I am 10dpo. And just like they were then, my boobs are killing me now. The thing I'm trying really, really hard not to focus on is the fact that 8 1/2 months after I wrote that post, Tyler was born.
The funny thing is, I've been poking my boobs, hoping desperately for boob pain, for about a year now (with, of course, the 6-month break to fix my thyroid). I've been looking for soreness, but I would describe what I'm feeling now as a sharp pain. Was it like this before? I have no idea--four years ago, people! I do know, however, that I'm not imagining it.
The key difference between now and four years ago, of course, is that I am not freshly grieving the loss of a baby. Instead, I am chasing around a 3-year-old. And that in itself is a reason to take this week in stride...
Just like I was on that cold, January day in 2008, I am 10dpo. And just like they were then, my boobs are killing me now. The thing I'm trying really, really hard not to focus on is the fact that 8 1/2 months after I wrote that post, Tyler was born.
The funny thing is, I've been poking my boobs, hoping desperately for boob pain, for about a year now (with, of course, the 6-month break to fix my thyroid). I've been looking for soreness, but I would describe what I'm feeling now as a sharp pain. Was it like this before? I have no idea--four years ago, people! I do know, however, that I'm not imagining it.
The key difference between now and four years ago, of course, is that I am not freshly grieving the loss of a baby. Instead, I am chasing around a 3-year-old. And that in itself is a reason to take this week in stride...
Sunday, October 16, 2011
13 dpo
So here I am, on the morning of my son's 3rd birthday party, and all I can focus on is the fact that I'm slightly crampy. Crap.
To catch you up...turns out I did end up ovulating on CD18. Yay for me. And so I've been back in the two-week wait again. And let me tell you, the fact that my boobs have not been hurting over the past few days has really been hurting me emotionally.
It's been a year now. We had four unsuccessful cycles on our own last fall and winter, then I took a six-month break to get my thyroid in order, and now this is our first Femara cycle. While I'm grateful I ovulated, ovulation doesn't do any good if you don't get pregnant.
I wish I could just focus on Tyler and all the other things in my life. Instead, I feel like I have mentally put everything else on hold until I find out if this cycle worked. And what happens when my period comes? Well, then it's all for nothing.
God, I wish this didn't mean as much to me.
To catch you up...turns out I did end up ovulating on CD18. Yay for me. And so I've been back in the two-week wait again. And let me tell you, the fact that my boobs have not been hurting over the past few days has really been hurting me emotionally.
It's been a year now. We had four unsuccessful cycles on our own last fall and winter, then I took a six-month break to get my thyroid in order, and now this is our first Femara cycle. While I'm grateful I ovulated, ovulation doesn't do any good if you don't get pregnant.
I wish I could just focus on Tyler and all the other things in my life. Instead, I feel like I have mentally put everything else on hold until I find out if this cycle worked. And what happens when my period comes? Well, then it's all for nothing.
God, I wish this didn't mean as much to me.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Yuck
It's been raining outside for five days. Kinda matches my mood today.
The good news: I'm finally within range with my TSH level, so my endocrinologist gave the go-ahead to do a letrozole cycle, 5 mg.
The bad news: I went in for an u/s today, and my biggest follicles were each 13 mm. On CD13. UGGHH! I go back for another u/s in 4 days, but Mark goes out of town in 5 days. Looks like I'm not responding well with letrozole anymore. So basically I'm in a year into this baby-making thing, and I'm back at the beginning with trying to figure out how to make me ovulate. It sounds like my doctor feels like I'm a good candidate for IVF, but our insurance doesn't cover any of it. Which means the next step will probably make us $16,000 poorer.
The good news: I'm finally within range with my TSH level, so my endocrinologist gave the go-ahead to do a letrozole cycle, 5 mg.
The bad news: I went in for an u/s today, and my biggest follicles were each 13 mm. On CD13. UGGHH! I go back for another u/s in 4 days, but Mark goes out of town in 5 days. Looks like I'm not responding well with letrozole anymore. So basically I'm in a year into this baby-making thing, and I'm back at the beginning with trying to figure out how to make me ovulate. It sounds like my doctor feels like I'm a good candidate for IVF, but our insurance doesn't cover any of it. Which means the next step will probably make us $16,000 poorer.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Something new: Waiting
And so I find myself waiting for a period. Impatiently.
Although my TSH still isn't quite right, my wonderful new endocrinologist feels that we're getting closer. She put me on a new dose of meds last week and gave me the go-ahead to take Femara this cycle, provided I get a TSH level on CD11 to ensure that it has continued to go down.
I took my last Provera pill on Monday, and now I wait. I had forgotten this frustration--trying to plan Mark's business trips around when we think I might possibly get my period. I've already waited 6 months, and now I simply can't fathom the thought that it could be another week before I get my period (in the past, I've gotten it anywhere from 2-12 days after my last Provera pill). One happy thought: The last two times I've had this frustrating Provera wait were right before the cycles in which we conceived Zach and Tyler.
Mark does have a business trip completely riding on when I get this period. It's actually better for him the longer I have to wait, but honestly, I don't think I can stand much more of this! And then there's always the possibility that my TSH won't have fallen enough. Such a narrow window that the doctors want my TSH to be in...
Although my TSH still isn't quite right, my wonderful new endocrinologist feels that we're getting closer. She put me on a new dose of meds last week and gave me the go-ahead to take Femara this cycle, provided I get a TSH level on CD11 to ensure that it has continued to go down.
I took my last Provera pill on Monday, and now I wait. I had forgotten this frustration--trying to plan Mark's business trips around when we think I might possibly get my period. I've already waited 6 months, and now I simply can't fathom the thought that it could be another week before I get my period (in the past, I've gotten it anywhere from 2-12 days after my last Provera pill). One happy thought: The last two times I've had this frustrating Provera wait were right before the cycles in which we conceived Zach and Tyler.
Mark does have a business trip completely riding on when I get this period. It's actually better for him the longer I have to wait, but honestly, I don't think I can stand much more of this! And then there's always the possibility that my TSH won't have fallen enough. Such a narrow window that the doctors want my TSH to be in...
Friday, August 26, 2011
Playgroup drama
For once, I have decided to avoid writing about baby-making frustrations, primarily because there is nothing new. (I'm still working on my thyroid, and I'm now seeing a regular endocrinologist. Lucky me.)
Instead, I would like to talk about playgroups. I am a member of the local chapter of a national organization for moms, Mothers & More. I am the playgroup coordinator. My job is to match moms in playgroups for their kids. We try to match every mom; anyone can join the organization.
My problem is a particular woman who is "playgroup poison." She has tried joining multiple playgroups to no avail. Some of the playgroups have dissolved naturally; others have fallen apart specifically because the other moms just want to get away from her. Every time I send out an e-mail about a playgroup looking for new members, she responds. She is currently in one playgroup, and wants to be in another one as well.
Why does nobody like her? Well, she's a user--she never offers anything herself, like providing a snack or hosting. Instead, she mooches off of everyone else. Wherever there is food, she will come. She sometimes stays well past the ending time of an event because her boyfriend hasn't picked her up on time, forcing the mom whose house it is to feed her and her kids lunch. She often pawns her kids off on other moms and doesn't watch them closely enough. And she just has a really depressing personality. Basically, she's a trashy woman.
I used to think some of the moms who didn't like her were being petty. Except that every single mom who has come in contact with her doesn't like her. It's difficult for me, being the playgroup coordinator, because I know what it feels like to be excluded. At the same time, would I want her in my playgroup? No!
Now, she has responded to an e-mail about an open playgroup, saying she'd like to join. I e-mailed the playgroup leader, and she has requested we discuss this on the phone later today. I know she is going to say they don't want her in their group, and what am I supposed to do? You can't force people to spend time together. Instead, I'm going to have to e-mail this woman and make up some excuse for why she can't join this playgroup I just advertised. Arg! "I'm sorry, A, but this playgroup is open to everyone but you."
Instead, I would like to talk about playgroups. I am a member of the local chapter of a national organization for moms, Mothers & More. I am the playgroup coordinator. My job is to match moms in playgroups for their kids. We try to match every mom; anyone can join the organization.
My problem is a particular woman who is "playgroup poison." She has tried joining multiple playgroups to no avail. Some of the playgroups have dissolved naturally; others have fallen apart specifically because the other moms just want to get away from her. Every time I send out an e-mail about a playgroup looking for new members, she responds. She is currently in one playgroup, and wants to be in another one as well.
Why does nobody like her? Well, she's a user--she never offers anything herself, like providing a snack or hosting. Instead, she mooches off of everyone else. Wherever there is food, she will come. She sometimes stays well past the ending time of an event because her boyfriend hasn't picked her up on time, forcing the mom whose house it is to feed her and her kids lunch. She often pawns her kids off on other moms and doesn't watch them closely enough. And she just has a really depressing personality. Basically, she's a trashy woman.
I used to think some of the moms who didn't like her were being petty. Except that every single mom who has come in contact with her doesn't like her. It's difficult for me, being the playgroup coordinator, because I know what it feels like to be excluded. At the same time, would I want her in my playgroup? No!
Now, she has responded to an e-mail about an open playgroup, saying she'd like to join. I e-mailed the playgroup leader, and she has requested we discuss this on the phone later today. I know she is going to say they don't want her in their group, and what am I supposed to do? You can't force people to spend time together. Instead, I'm going to have to e-mail this woman and make up some excuse for why she can't join this playgroup I just advertised. Arg! "I'm sorry, A, but this playgroup is open to everyone but you."
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Another blood test, another disappointment
I had yet another blood test to find out if the lowest possible dose of levothyroxin levels out my TSH. It doesn't--still too low. So now the plan is to go off the medication completely, wait yet another 5 weeks, then retest.
Honestly. By the time of my retest, it will have been 5 months since my first blood test. And I'm back to where I started. Part of me is furious at Dr. Hot for putting me on the medication in the first place, when it turns out I apparently didn't need it. Yet another part of me knows he's just doing his job; part of his job is make sure hormone levels are appropriate.
The other hard part to swallow, however, is that for the past 4 months, I have comforted myself by thinking, "What if I had gotten pregnant? That would have been disastrous!" when in actuality I don't have a hormone problem at all. In fact, we've actually CREATED a hormone problem by putting my on these drugs. So what was the point? Why in the world have I been delayed for so long?
Honestly. By the time of my retest, it will have been 5 months since my first blood test. And I'm back to where I started. Part of me is furious at Dr. Hot for putting me on the medication in the first place, when it turns out I apparently didn't need it. Yet another part of me knows he's just doing his job; part of his job is make sure hormone levels are appropriate.
The other hard part to swallow, however, is that for the past 4 months, I have comforted myself by thinking, "What if I had gotten pregnant? That would have been disastrous!" when in actuality I don't have a hormone problem at all. In fact, we've actually CREATED a hormone problem by putting my on these drugs. So what was the point? Why in the world have I been delayed for so long?
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