I am woman

I think I am setting myself up for a major heartbreak.

In a weird way, I feel like I have become one of those first-time TTC-ers who assumes she will get pregnant the first or second month. I cannot wait until we start Letrozole again in February! I count down the days until I can call in for a Provera prescription (that is, of course, assuming that I don’t ovulate this cycle; if I did, it would be a miracle!). At this point, I’m planning on calling Dr. Hot Jan. 16 if I haven’t gotten a temp rise by then, which means I will probably get a period by the end of the month.

Here’s what I mean about the heartbreak: In some corner of my mind, I assume I will become pregnant in the first or second month of Letrozole.

Now, before all of you IF veterans go off the deep end, understand that I realize I’m being completely naïve and foolish. (Although, are you really naïve if you know you’re being naïve? Hmmm...) It’s just that I have both ovulated and had timed sex only two times in my life, and one of those times I got pregnant. That’s good odds, right?

And here’s the other thing: When M had his SA in November 2006, he had stellar results--200 million little suckers swimming away! I called Dr. Hot’s office today to ask if M should repeat the test since it’s been a while, and he said there’s no need unless I really want him to. I’m almost afraid to see the results of a new SA. I had always figured that M’s sperm count was the reason we had gotten pregnant so quickly once we finally whipped my ovaries into shape, and I don't know what it would do to my psyche to be told otherwise.

I find myself counting the months and thinking about when my first trimester would end if I got pregnant in February or March. We’d like to go to the UK this year, and an ideal time would be in my second trimester. Of course, that’s assuming I can get pregnant at all...and stay pregnant.

And that’s the problem. I’ve read so many of your stories of having trouble conceiving after pregnancy loss that I should know better. But dammit, for once in my life I want to be a glass-is-half-full kind of gal! I’m so sick of being a pessimist and assuming that bad shit is going to happen to me! I had that kind of attitude last time, but it didn’t me any good! I wasn’t protected from heartbreak simply because I suspected it might come. I have to have hope, because without hope, how am I going to survive? (Have you figured out yet that I’m experiencing a moment here?)

Here’s how the next six months will happen: I will get pregnant in February or March, have a trouble-free first trimester and travel to the UK once I start feeling better in May or June.

I dare anybody to tell me otherwise. :)