I am starting to run out of “safe people.”
To me, a “safe person” is one who isn’t a direct recipient of my jealousy, i.e. someone who isn’t pregnant, hasn’t recently had a child and who understands my feelings about the aforementioned people. When I’m feeling bad or when I want an evening away from all the crap, this is the person I will call. My friend AW was great for this. One night a few weeks after we lost Zach, she and her husband got together with M and me for a night of games and it was a great escape. Well, that’s all changed; I know she has started TTC this month, and I don’t even want to talk to her for fear of an announcement. Strike her from the list.
My SIL (when I saw her) used to be that person, too. I spent an afternoon two days before Christmas weeping at her kitchen table about how hard it is for me to be around my other SIL (the one who is due March 14). Little did I know that SIL #1 was waiting until after Christmas to tell me she, too, was pregnant. Strike two.
My mother has always been my closest confidante. The problem is, now my SIL is pregnant, my mom’s close friend is pregnant (due in March, as well), and my mom’s best friend’s daughter is pregnant. Because my mom doesn’t work, she doesn’t have much to talk about; therefore, one of these pregnant people is bound to come up in conversation. I just don’t feel like dealing with it anymore. Strike three.
And I can’t forget my friend A, the one to whom I lent my TCOYF book last fall. She’s now well into her second trimester, and though she’s been kind enough not to talk too much about her pregnancy, I still feel weird around her and her slowly growing belly. Strike four.
As a result of losing all these “safe people,” I find myself becoming more and more isolated. I’m not mad at any of my family or friends; I’m just trying to shield myself from conversations that I know will hurt. Ironically, the “safest” place for me right now is work—and I don’t even have any close friends at work!
I received a “how are you doing” phone message from my friend J in Florida the other day. Though I know she was likely just calling to check up on her newly-bereaved friend (she doesn’t call that often, but has been calling me more frequently in the past two months, the dear), there’s still a voice in the back of my mind that says, “What if she’s pregnant, too?”
As I read over this post, I realize I sound like a broken record. I wrote a very similar post just a few days ago! But here’s the thing: When we conceived Zach, we had been TTC about 14 months. As my dad had (rather tactlessly) said at the time, “That’s not an incredibly long period of time.” Then I became pregnant and stepped away from the game for a while. Now, the people who said it would be a long time before they started TTC back before Zach existed are ready and raring to go! What a difference 6 months makes!
I just don’t want to be around anybody other than M for a while. It takes too much out of me.
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21 comments:
If you have already tried this and it wasn't an option or wasn't for you, then I apologize for the assvice.
I have a good friend whose story sounds nearly identical to yours. She found a lot of support and safe people in a group for women who experienced a pregnancy loss. If I remember correctly, it was specifically for women who were faced with termination after the baby was diagnosed with a fatal problem (which I think would be a very different group from folks who had an early pregnancy loss). Not to say one is more or less painful than the other.
She took shelter in those folks for a while and, indeed, became a bit of a hermit for a few months. But it was what she needed to do and I know she doesn't regret it.
Maybe it's an option where you are?
Oh gosh I so know how you feel. My list has grown shorter and shorter as the years go by. It's kind of weird to say this but sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the hope that one day I will be on that list for someone else. Not that I would want someone else to go through all this but it would just be nice to be on the other side for a while.
Sending you a virtual hug and remember we are always "safe" to talk to.
I felt you were reading my mind. All I want to do is be home with my husband...I hate everyone else. I hate it someone is overly cautious around me or if they talk about pregnancy in anyway at all. We lost four pregnancies over the past 15 months and it is just too painful to hear, see or talk to anyone about it. Just protect yourself and do what you have to do to stay sane. We are all hear to listen when you need it.
:)
I hear you! I'm almost 47, so most of my friends & relatives have already had their families, but there are still a few pregnancy announcements that jump out to bite me now & then. Dh's cousin & his wife, both 43 (now 44), had a baby girl last year, after 11 years of marriage. They're great people & wonderful parents, but she was always the one person I could rely on at family gatherings to talk with about something other than kids -- scratch that now. And I just wrote on my blog that we found out last night that stepBIL & his wife, both 41, are expecting, after 4 years of marriage & about 10 years together. She has a daughter from her first marriage who is in first year university (!!) so I had assumed she was done with childbearing. Guess not!
It's OK if you need to "cocoon" yourself for awhile. (((hugs)))
It really does sound like it is raining pregnancy announcements around you. I'm really sorry about the difficult timing.
I agree with Whattoexpect -- perhaps a support group would help you with the issue of "safe" people?
I am so sorry that you feel your safe people slipping through your fingers. I still have to seek out a RL safe person everynow and then. It gets hard. We will be your safe people for awhile until you find another RL safe person. What to expect is right though. You wouldn't feel awkward or isolated around people that have been in similar circumstances. Atleast you could talk freely too about what you are feeling around other people and you might get some new friends out of it too. Sorry to repeat the assvice if you have already taken it. Just take your time and do things on your schedule and not everybody else's. Just because everybody else thinks you should be ready to hear the announcements doesn't mean you actually are. Take care of yourself and hide as often as you want to. Hugs to you.
I understand. I haven't been through what you have, but I know where you are coming from. You however are lucky that your husband gets it, and is supportive. That gives you a leg up on the support chain.
Just remember even though we aren't there in person we are your support in spirit!
This sounds so trite...but try to remember the severe part of this mourning will pass, but until it does you NEED to be able to be a broken record if that is what helps you through it! We won't stop listening!
I'm sorry you feel that way, yet another thing infertility does to us....it isolates us. I too feel like i'm running out of safe people...I go to my local RESOLVE group and that is pretty much how I am really able to connect with others that are not PG although many are in the midst of a clomid or IVF cycle. Sorry you feel that way.
I know what you mean, although I haven't been through your exact experience. I've found that with obviously pregnant people, I can talk to them on the phone, but I just can't see them in person and see that pregnant belly. Maybe that wouldn't work for you, but at least it's helped me not lose my friends.
It does sound like you need to meet some people who are in a similar situation to you, though (IRL). I hope there are some resources in your area or blog readers who live near you.
Sorry to hear you're feeling isolated. I completely understand. I'm in a different place, I have one child and am dealing with secondary infertility, but have many of the same feelings. I too live in fear of pregnancy announcments and have withdrawn from several friends who have larger families. The Christmas card with the pregnancy announcement (3rd in less than 4 years!) really put me over the edge. I mostly prefer to spend time with hubby watching movies. Take care of yourself.
I can totally relate! I've even stopped calling my grandmother b/c all she can talk about is her great-grandchildren. I wish it was not this way. I wish I could just switch it off but I can't. Now I sound like a broken record! I'm sorry Ann.
I can completely relate to this post, as I have felt this way a lot lately. I think at times we need to shield ourselves from our fertile friends, if anything, just to maintain a loving relationship with them. All we can do is hope that they understand and are willing to forgive us for our withdrawl. I'm sending you lots of warm wishes.
Just my .02 cents. It may bring no comfort or hope.
I lost a baby last month at 26 weeks. Long story short, I was dying of pre-eclampsia, and the baby had to come, and he was too small and was only with us for half an hour. It took us 2 years to conceive, and there may not be other biological children in store for us now. The pain is horrendous, as you well know.
I went to the community coffee shop yesterday, and froze when I saw a baby - an acquaintance's child. I struggled between wanting to run out the door and needing to be around people other than my husband. I sat and ignored the baby as best I could. That worked for an hour. Finally mom came over and plunked the baby on my lap. I froze and my heart sank like a stone. I did not want this. Didn't she know my baby was dead, and the last baby I held was him? After he had died and my dreams were wrapped up, tiny, cold and lifeless?
She squeezed my shoulder told me she was sorry about Gabriel and stood there. I wanted to throw the baby back, I must have sat like a stone for 10 mins, with this child just looking at me.
I finally stopped just looking and actually started holding. I don't know why. I cried because I missed my son, but I remembered the joy in holding a baby. I don't want to do it every day, but I'm glad it happened yesterday.
All I'm saying is this, and you can take it or leave it, it might be worth nothing. I learned yesterday that I can do some of the things that I think I can't or shouldn't do, and sometimes those things give me peace in ways I didn't expect.
Wishing you peace.
I can totally relate to this. In the 3 years it took us to finally conceive, all of our friends lapped us, they all had #1 and were on to #2 while we were still working on #1. I was terrified of every phone call, email -- I hated going to social gatherings for fear of the "big announcement" or seeing a baby bump on one of my fertile friends. While we were going through IVF I stopped talking to my fertile friends, they just made me feel worse. One of them actually told me I was being selfish b/c I cried when a girl in our office announced her pregnacy after trying for only a couple of months. They just don't get it...
You are singing my song. For a loooooooooong time I had to consider "safe" people to be the ones I knew weren't TTC... Then I changed my definition to people who had Fertility problems, but had a child through treatment, but weren't currently TTC. Then I got ONE FRIEND who was also childless & TTC #1.... Who is now pregnant. All the others are preg #2. There are NO SAFE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE! I do not have any married, non-pregnant or with-kids friends. It SUCKS. And it gets me so mad how all my friends just take their fertility for granted.... and then are RIGHT. I don't know what's wrong in my life, but right now I feel just like you do: my husband is my only safe person.
You are NOT a broken record.... You just live with infertility and now a child who is no lnoger alive.... Either alone are enough to send you into depression and pain... But both together are almost too much to bear. You'll probably have no one else in your life that even comes close to relating.
Just deal with it the way that makes you the most comfortable. Don't do things for other people, because they most likely don't have correct expectations of you. And spend lots of time with your husband. He may have seemed to be less sad and "moved on" some, but it hurt him almost as deeply as it did you I'm sure. If you can, spend time enjoying your Marriage.
Big, big hug. I KNOW where you are. This month is #30 for us and I have until May to wait for IVF #2... I'm dieing in this darned wait. :(
I cant believe how much your story is the same as mine. I cant even go out with friends anymore without looking at their belly and/or wondering if the announcement will come today. Heaven forbid they pass up alcohol or caffeine, I automatically assume. Im constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Meanwhile its been 2 years since we've been trying (and only 3 months since we lost our baby boy) and all of these people who werent even engaged when we started trying are already pregnant. Thank you for posting. It is such a comfort to know that Im not alone in this.
I feel u cos everyone around me (people i know and people i dont) is either pregnant or carrying a child. I dont see anything else everywhere i go.
Be consoled (me consoling myself too) with the fact that u still have hope and surely one day we too will be mothers...........
Thanks for your comments about the adoption issue - I like that quote from Mel...it makes a lot of sense.
Hope you are finding some safe people and places! :)
I totally know how you feel. It seems that every time I turn around, I find out someone else I know is pregnant, or I'm surrounded by pregnant women. I take my daughter to a Gymboree class and there are three other pregnant women in there. It makes me cringe. But what's worse is that they all know what happened to me. I guess I am lucky that so far they haven't talked about their pregnancies around me. I guess I can at least thank them for that.
Oh I'm so sorry. I remember cutting myself off from a lot of my friends for fear of hearing about the pregnancies, too. I lost some friendships because of it that I'm trying now to recover, but in retrospect, I'm not sure I could have done any differently. Sometimes you're fragile and you need to protect yourself.
When I had no "safe" friends left - actually I had one and my husband but I was wearing them out - I found a wonderful therapist. They are paid to care (a good one cares) and to listen and to help you cope with grief.
In my experience, infertility after a loss is very, very difficult. We had been trying for 2 years before we had our miracle pregnancy that ended because of a birth defect. I thought it was hard the first 2 years, but the next 3 - especially the first year - were so much harder. Don't let anyone trivialize it and give yourself permission to find all the support you can.
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